The Art Of Not Caring

t h r e e

My reflection stared back at me and even though I knew the notion was ridiculous I couldn't help but think that it seemed to be mocking me as I tried to fit the skirt over my thighs. I knew I wasn't ugly, in fact I could be considered pretty. My five foot two could easily be hidden by platforms and I knew my curves were attractive no matter how insecure I got about my love-handles. I had pretty good skin except for the occasional pimple and I had big eyes and nice - if a bit boring and average - brown hair, so overall I really couldn't complain.

And yet I hated the process of picking out what to wear, the moment I realised I didn't own any clothes and the ones I did own suddenly didn't seem to fit me the way I felt they should anymore. What I hated even more though was shopping. More specifically, shopping with Kat and Lacey. When watching them it seemed like the easiest thing in the world and yet when I tried it, it felt like a chore. I hated that I always ended up putting more things back than keeping and the items I did end up with were mostly thanks to Kat tossing me some things that were currently in style and would look good on me. They did look good on me, I had to give Kat that. But I still didn't really like the pieces I ended up buying, although I never told the two that.

The skirt I was currently trying on was too small, even though it had been labeled large which usually always fit if it wasn't too big on me and I could already feel myself growing increasingly frustrated. I didn't really think of myself as fat but shopping in stores that tried to pretend that everyone was a size zero and "one size fits all" was possible and even a good idea always put me in a bad mood sooner or later. I always left there feeling like the unwanted of us three, the one that no one had in mind when designing clothes which then in turn felt like no on had someone like me in mind when thinking of a person.

Pretty deep rabbit hole to fall into every single time when shopping right? Now try doing that and still feign enthusiasm when going into said stores and you have a pretty good idea of what shopping trips with Kat and Lacey felt like. It was probably my fault - I could probably tell them how I felt and they would do everything in their power to make sure I didn't feel that way in the future - but for some reason my cheeks got hot and my pulse quickened every time I just thought about doing just that.

That was why I kept smiling when put the skirt on the return stack and joined Kat and Lacey without buying anything.

The best part of our way too frequent shopping trips was visiting the small cafe afterwards. We always went shopping in the town that was an hour drive away - the downside of living in a miniature town with no options - and had discovered the small, privately owned coffee shop on one of our first shopping trips and since then it had become a nonnegotiable part of our routine.

Every time we entered I couldn't help but realise how ridiculous we must look - three teenagers with more shopping bags than we could carry - and I tried very hard every time not to care what people thought of us. So what if people thought we were a bunch of artificial teenagers, only talking about boys and clothing? It never really worked, even though I knew it was nothing I should be embarrassed about.

We sat down in our usual corner, a sofa and a few chairs surrounding the table, obscured from sight by some plants. Even though we didn't really fit we all crammed onto the sofa, piling our bags onto the chairs.

The barista came to take our order. She couldn't have been much older than any of us and her orange checkered uniform fit her auburn hair perfectly. The kind smile on her face seemed actually genuine, reaching her piercing blue eyes. My staring was interrupted by an elbow to the side and I felt myself blush.

"One latte macchiato please." I finally sputtered out. The barista didn't seem to care about my weird behaviour, she continued smiling as she walked away to get our orders. I however only fully got back to my senses when she disappeared behind a corner.