The Art Of Not Caring

s e v e n

The lunch lady scraped a rest of lasagna out of the container and piled it on my tray before handing it to me. Behind me, students were already starting to complain that they had to wait for their food.

I walked towards the table that I'd claimed as mine in the past week. Books had started becoming a necessity at lunch, providing a much needed distraction and giving me a way to seem busy - it didn't work but I still clung to the pages like to a lifeline. Every time a group of people would start laughing, I'd think they were laughing even though they most probably weren't. I never looked up to check.

Today though, it wasn't the student body distracting me from the black on white drama I'd been trying to submerse myself in. Well, technically it was. One particular part of the student body, one who didn't seem to have a problem with me.

She'd been nice to me. I hadn't quite realised how much I missed talking to someone, having someone look at me without judgement. The thing I couldn't stop thinking about was why. Sure, Tessa was always nice, that was about as much a fact as the knowledge that the sun is hot. She'd been nice to me when she'd driven me home. But to actually comfort me when she didn't need to? I'd been just as horrible to her as everyone else, reacting to outrageous rumours as if they were true and refusing to have anything to do with her. It'd be more than fair is she decided to leave me alone and let me deal with this on my own. I wouldn't have hated her if she hated me just like everyone else. Of all people she would probably be one of the few who had an actual reason to - well, except Luke and maybe Kat and Lacey - and still she didn't. At least not as far as I could tell.

I was still mulling things over when I saw her taking her a seat at her table. She never seemed bothered by sitting alone, she was always either journaling or reading or - what I envied the most - doing nothing at all, eating her lunch in peace before leaving the cafeteria again. Not that I had paid attention.

Then, something happened. It was a snap decision really, something I wanted to do and thought about but never actually thought I'd ever put that plan in action. I tossed my book back into my bag, took my tray and walked towards Tessa's table.

"Um, hi", Tessa looked up at me and it dawned on me that I couldn't back out now. I cleared my throat, trying to sound less intimidated. "Could I maybe sit with you?" Weirdly enough, I didn't care about anyone around us, even though I could hear conversations stopping around us and people turning around to stare, whispering and giggling. Looking casual and not fidgeting under Tessa's gaze required an embarrassing amount of effort.

The corners of her mouth lifted upwards and her eyes sparkled with what I and only describe as excitement. "Sure you can." I sat down, relief flooding through me followed by the realisation that I'd have to make conversation. I approached her after all.

"Mrs Siemens asked me to tell you that you can go and talk to her anytime." Tessa said, interrupting the turning wheels in my brain thinking about how to start a conversation, and taking a bite from the medium-at-best lasagna. 
"Thanks." The word hung there awkwardly, somehow seeming unfinished, not enough. For a moment we just sat there eating, none of us saying anything but then Tessa put down her fork.

"So, Avery, what caused you to come out in this pleasant community? I have to say, I didn't expect anyone to attempt that, seeing how well it worked out with me." There wasn't any sadness or bitterness in that statement, it was just that: a simple statement, completely neutral.

"It was... well, it was more of an accident, really. I had no intention of doing it and... well, I certainly didn't want the whole school to know." Would Tessa loose interest in me now that I'd admitted that? Well, if she had thought of me as interesting to begin with, which was doubtful to say the least.