The rest of the walk was continued in a comfortable silence before i made my way up to my room for an hour where i broke down.
Why?
I don't even know myself.
this seems to happen alot lately.I would come home from a good day and tears would just fall from my eyes and my life would seem utterly worthless. Everything over a 5 week period seems to build up like bricks as it lays itself out until one day, the cement gives in and the whole building crashes down and destroys whatever is below. and i am below it all.
The ring tone of my phone echo'd through my room for the fourth time in the past two minutes. The familiar words 'jess' flashing repeatedly across the screen as i sat staring at the blinding light in the dimly lit room. The light bouncing off of the black walls was sort of ironic to my mood;
my mood is the black walls as it lurks in the darkness untilthe light comes along and contrasts to it, making the scary and mysterious suddenly become defeated and known. That is exactly what i need; Light and positivity.what if i never get that. what if the people in my life are justthe continuation of this darkness slowly but surely dragging me under and captivating me.what if i don't find that person that will cut through the darknessand help me see the positives to family,life and love.
The ringing soon came to an end and the darkness dragged me underonce again.
Jess is a close friend of mine and has been ever since imoved here. She's always been there when i needed a shoulder to cry on or when i just need to get out of the house. as cliche as it sounds she really is the the closestthing i have to a family and she is basically the sister inever had. She knows about how my mum is with me,how distant she is and why i moved here.
The past replays in my head multiple times and it reminds me continuously about the life i loved when i was growing up it was kind of the perfect little family as some people would think. I had my Dad,My Mum, a dog name Rocky and i was the only child. our house was fairly large consisting of 3 bedrooms including the guest bedroom. I was home schooled from the age of 7 because i was bullied and my Dad didn't like the idea of his daughter going through what he went through as a child although he was bullied both in and out of school,not only by his school pupils but by his own father. Iv learned to stand up for my self and defend myself due to my fathers advice and encouraging words helping alot as i grew up by myself.as a child my dad was abused by his own father and that drasticallychanged his attitude towards life. My only friend in my old town was Louis. Even thought we where only kids we were attached at the hip. He lived in the house beside mine and if he wasn't at mine,i was at his. His family treated me like there own and vice versa. We grew up together and we couldn't be torn apart. He would come around after school ended and tell me about the things they did. Even though i hated it there is still believed i was missing out on alot;
Making friends.
Being in friendship groups.
Being cared by someone.
But now that i think of it. I didn't need all of that. I had Louis. He was there when i needed him and would listen to my endless sobs about missing my dad while he was away at work. We where inseparable. Well that was until i was 13.
Around the age of 9 my Dad became distant from the household and my mother ,although he still stayed close with me. He began to work long hours and night shifts causing him to drift away from us. Id wake in the middle of the night to hear my mothers low sobs echoing through through the dimly lit hallways. She would never tell me why she would just pass the matter and take me back to bed and lay with me and tell me endless stories about when she was a kid growing up with my aunties and uncle. Its strange isn't it? How she would be at rock bottom,choking on her silencing sobs cooped up in her dark cold lonely room but when she saw her child all of her worries seemed to fade away and dissolve into the bitter air.
