Liar, Liar

Chapter 23 - Free

After taking the subway home, I enter the elevator in my apartment building. My clothes are soaking wet after having walked outside for five minutes, but I don't find it in me to care. Today went as bad as days can go and all I feel like doing is sleeping for five years or move to Sacramento.

However, life has got other plans for me when I enter the apartment.

"There you are!" Fern shouts, barging into the hallway. "I've been calling you non-stop the last thirty minutes!"

Confused, I pull out my phone, and true to Fern's statement, she has called me fifteen times. I double-check my settings and my suspicions are confirmed when I see that the don't disturb setting is on.

"Why?" I ask and drop my bag down onto the floor. It is now that I notice that she is wearing a dress and boots. Dean comes around the corner and my stomach drops for three reasons.

"The gallery opening?" she exclaims in a duh tone, flailing her hands. "We have to leave in twenty minutes!"

1) The gallery opening is today, 2) I'd completely forgotten that I invited Dean and 3) Dean is here. After everything that just happened, I'll have to pretend that I am fine.

I don't get to say anything before Fern pulls me by my wrist into my room and throws a dress at me. "You're lucky you have me, you know?" she states irritatedly, exiting the room. I know I don't have time to be sad, so I force myself to suck it up and change into the dress that she (or probably Willow whom I noticed is in the living room) picked out for me. I quickly slip into a pair of heels and run for the bathroom. But before I get that far, someone grabs my shoulder gently.

"Hey there, Tiger," Dean teases, turning me to face him. "Forgotten someone?"

Absentmindedly, I smile at him. He gives me a confused look, but I just point towards the bathroom. "I need to get ready."

And I slip into the bathroom, blowdrying my hair and washing off my old, runny makeup and applying new. Willow, Dean and an impatient Fern is waiting in the hallway when I come out almost out of breath I was hurrying so much.

Willow tilts her head at me curiously, but I just wave her off. "Shall we go?" I propose, reaching to grab a dry jacket from the hook next to the door.

"Let's," Fern replies sharply, essentially stomping out of the apartment like a five-year-old. I don't blame her though. This is a huge day for her, and I forgot it. Even though so much shit happened today, when it comes down to it, it is nobody's fault but my own.

I grab two umbrellas on the way out and we all take the elevator down. Dean grabs my hand and kisses it. He, like Willow and probably Fern, is sensing that something is off, but they're not saying anything. I appreciate it, but I still feel like puking or passing out. I've become a royal fuck up.

When we reach the outside doors and the others notice the pouring rain, I hand Fern and Willow an umbrella to share and keep one for Dean and me.

We brave the rain and run to Dean's car.

**

The gallery is buzzing with people. Coats and jackets are brushing against each other in the doorway before they are taken off. It's all white walls and floors, only interrupted by the colorful art pieces of local artists. I hand my jacket over to an employee and look over at Fern. I'm relieved to see that her annoyance is gone. It actually seems like it vanished into thin air the second she stepped inside the gallery. I'm happy for her.

On the other hand, I still feel the devastation from earlier burn in my chest. I try to push it down, the overwhelming feelings of loss, but they keep appearing in different parts of my body. My palms will sweat, my legs will feel weak, my head will hurt or my heart will race at a thousand miles per hour. Did I make the right choice by giving her space earlier or did I lose Ashley today?

I walk off without waiting for the others. Usually I can appreciate art, and I'm pretty good at extracting a deeper meaning out of something that looks plain to the naked eye, but tonight I can't seem to focus on it. I just walk past the works at a steady pace, taking in the colors, strokes and pictures but not seeing them for what they really are.

And in some twisted sense, that can be applied to myself.

For days on end I would long to meet Adam; I would dream about him and the next time I would get to see him. Blinded by my feelings, I would know of all the damage I could do if the wrong person found out, but I didn't take see it for how bad it really was. I didn't do anything about it, even though I knew the devastation that was almost inevitable.

I chill runs through me and I feel my knees go weak. Hurriedly, I walk past the paintings I had stopped in front of and hug my hands around my waist. I was on the brink of having everything – resolution, happiness, Adam as my friend and also Ashley – only to see it all fall off the edge. I saw two of the biggest characters in my life for the last few years just disappear like smoke in the air. I could try to catch them as much as I can, but either way, they will slip through my fingers.

I reach another section of the gallery. Few people have gotten this far yet and I look around. I see my own face in several of the paintings, a devastated face looking back at me. I'm in Fern's section, I realize to my own horror. A lot of the paintings are of me, stupid, naive me who once had everything I needed, but threw it away, all for a fucking affair.

Looking back on it, it seems as if I put on a blindfold, ran at full speed and waited for something to crash into.

Suddenly, I feel someone lace their fingers through mine and I look to my side to find Dean cautiously approaching me.

"You seem lost in your thoughts," he comments mellowly. He lifts my hand and kisses it. I flinch.

"Uhm..." I utter, but nothing else comes out. My whole body has gone rigid.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks concernedly, but I only pull out of his proximity and hold my hands up in a stop position.

"I..." I pause, look into Dean's vulnerable eyes. He looks genuinely scared for me and I don't blame him. I can't blame him for anything.

"I don't love you."

The whole world doesn't stop. People don't turn their heads. Time doesn't slow down.

Dean is simply confused. "What?" he splutters.

For Dean this must be a complete turn of events, going from our relationship being fine to me telling him this. For me, however, it's something that has been on my chest for a long time – at times without me knowing it. I don't love Dean. It should have been obvious to me, really. This whole time, I was pretending, without even realizing it myself.

"I'm breaking up with you," I say, taking a big breath. Dean's features immediately frown but I continue. I'm having a hard time believing my own words, but I try to say them with as much conviction as I can. "Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Dean, you are wonderful and great, but I'm not the one for you."

And with that I turn away and speed towards the door. By heart isn't pounding as much as I thought is would, but then again, it has been through worse today. I exit the building and walk out into the rain that has turned into more of a drizzle. As if a huge boulder has been lifted from my shoulder, I feel light as a feather. I smile and look up into the sky, closing my eyes.

I would never have thought that a breakup would ever feel this good. I should feel bad for being so happy about it, but I'm free. I'm finally free from my lies and secrets. Everything is out and even though it might have dire consequences regarding my friendship with Ashley, at least she isn't in the dark anymore.

And right then, as if it is a sign, the sun peeks through the clouds and hits my face. There is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.