The Online Rants of a *Very* Opinionated Teenage Girl

Living with a sexist, racist, homophobic mother - a memoir

Part one: The homophobia, and how my mother's Christianity contributed

I've told this story about a dozen times, all to trusted friends who know I'm pan(sexual, which means I have no real gender preference and am attracted to all sexes, even non-binary sexes).

Growing up, my mom converted into Christianity while raising me, which meant my brother and I converted too out of obligation. I was a pretty hard-core Christian, praying every night before bed and before every meal. We went to church every Sunday, and were pretty embedded into the church society. 

Around maybe 13, I realized that I might've been gay. Seeing as how I've only ever had a heterosexual influence until then, I thought that boys were the only choice, but I was also attracted to girls. I identified as bisexual the end of the secondary 2 school year, and immediately got isolated by my best friend, who didn't know much about homosexuality and thought that I would attack her because I was also attracted to the female sex.

Myth: All gay guys will attack you if you are male.
Truth: You can politely fuck off, not everything is about you.

After almost two years, she learned the truth (as is written above) and wasn't afraid to hug me anymore, which is great because I love cuddles and hugs. (Physical contact, for me, is the most human way of connect with someone else.)

Anyways, this story isn't about that. It's about when my mom forcefully brought me to a church (she didn't know I "renounced my Christianity" and became and atheist, and I was too scared to tell in because she wouldn't dragged my ass to the closest priest within vicinity).

The priest was good at his job—convincing, 'holy', moving. I think that's one of the reasons religion is such a expanded system of beliefs. The salesman was just so compelling you had to buy the product.

It's also why religion can be so powerful and toxic if contributed to the wrong things.

Now, back to my story. There I was, sitting in a pew in a huge church filled with maybe a few hundred people? 200? 500? The priest had said finished the first topic of his sermon and had started his next. 

I had remembered just sitting there among these strangers with a sinking feeling of dread in my stomach. He was talking about the gay parade, which had happened the week before. I only have one clear line from his sermon in my head, one I'm pretty sure will stay there forever.

"And they had the audacity to march on Church Street!"

The sound of over 250 people muttering protest and hate overwhelmed me. I didn't know any of these people other than my mother who sat beside me, who also voiced her hate. But they hated me. I knew if god forbid, my secret sexuality had leaked out, that expansive room full of people would hate me too. 

I felt terrified. I curled into a ball, back hunched over myself as I tried to make myself small. The feeling of terror still flashes through me whenever my mother voices her opinions on the LGBTQ+ community. 

I personally have nothing against religious people. (Take in mind the difference between religious and spiritual, and how a person could be exclusively spiritual without being religious.) To believe in something bigger than yourself to get through hard times if great.

But nothing has ever spread hate faster than religion. For something that claims love and kindness, I see sexism and slut-shaming and homophobia and wars. I see women who couldn't work because apparently "god claimed so" in the bible and trans-people massacred because they were 'abominations' and me, having to listen to my mother how homosexuality is a disease at the dinner table. 

I don't care about your precious religions or beliefs, but if you spew hate in the name of your god than you are no better than the terrorist who kill people in the name of a god they do not understand. 

Because this hate you throw at us like acid to the face, it burns and kills us so slowly even we don't notice it until we're dying.

You cannot hate us like this, in the name of a god that loves and is merciful. If you hate us, than that has nothing to do with religion but has everything to do with your ignorance and lack of understanding what is different than you. 

Difference does not have to be a bad thing—being different is beautiful; we should not be differentiating the different but accepting them. 

*Side note, if you have nothing but homophobic shit to comment, don't bother. You'll just be blocked and comments discarded like the trash they are. But if you have some opposing views to debate, by all means.