Let's start with this quote from my sisters and family "I won't let you go back to moms" I believed them, trusted them, and counted on them. Then they either gave up on me, didn't want me, or didn't care. That all happened when I came out and told people what I needed. Maybe they couldn't handle the truth? Maybe they knew I needed them more then anything? To this day, to this second, I still don't know. My mom has never really been a mom to me. She's never been there when I needed her the most. My family thinks I'm always upset because I'm not getting my way. When I heard that, it hit me so hard. My family thinks I'm going down hill and wanting to die because I'm not getting my way. I'm thinking and wanting to do those things because it seems like the only way out. Do I want to die? No of course not! I just don't understand what I did, or what to do anymore. I just want it to stop! To go away! To leave me alone!
I'm not saying I'm the only sister that went through this, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm not trying to hurt myself. Everyone is saying "she's trying so hard Elizabeth" oh and this is my favorite one "try to move on and forgive her" So you want me to forgive the woman that hurt all of us mentally and physically?! To be honest I will never forgive her! There are so many things that no one knows she has done. My best friend doesn't even know, and I tell him everything. I can forgive but I will never forget.
I have screwed up, I have hurt people. I really didn't mean to. Being an alcoholic is a disease and I understand that. But doing drugs was a choice that she made. I don't have a mother I have a child. I have never been a kid. I was taking care of someone who should have been taking care of me. I have been fighting and trying so hard to move on, I really don't think I can anymore.
I have another best friend and she is a sister to me. I call her mom my mom. She feels like a mother to me. I want her mom to be my mom too. The best friend I mentioned before has been there for me sense I met him. He tells me everything and I do the same (sometimes). His sister and mom and dad are another family to me. Yes I know I have a lot of friends there for me, but I want my own family to understand and really truly listen to me. Go ahead family don't listen, think I'm making this up, think I'm doing this for attention. I honestly don't care anymore. But I'm not going to lie, it hurts that you think that.
If you were me, you would understand. But you're not me, so you don't understand, and you never will.
