Bora Bora Bora

12: Remember us, Nicky?

Nicky's POV

Fucking Luschek.

That's all I can think those few seconds after he pushes me under the bus at electrical. Fucking Luschek, fucking piece of shit betraying asshole. And fucking me, for not taking care of that shit sooner.

I woke up this morning ready to live through another day of the two happiest weeks of my life. I sat next to Lorna at breakfast, I kissed her good morning and she told me off for messing up her lipstick so early in the morning, and I just kissed her some more, and we held hands under the table and she laughed in her New York accent while I tried to decide what kind of animal's puke today's breakfast looked like. Vause likes to joke about what will happen when the honeymoon period is over, but I paid no attention to her, because I was too busy being happier than I've ever been. Fuck, I've been so corny lately I make myself gag, but it's true. I am married to Lorna Morello. Nothing in my life can compare to that. To knowing that she plans on staying with me forever, that she chose me, of all people, she chose me. To intertwining our hands and watching our tattooed fingers fit together. To hiding in the broom closet, to sneaking into her bunk late at night and running my hands up and down her body, knowing she's mine to take. To being touched in a way no one has touched me before. To holding her close, while the dim dawn light plays tricks on the specks of dust dancing over her and whispering "I do, I do, I do," a thousands times again, because I don't want her to wonder if she's worthy of love ever again.

To the sex. Oh my god, the sex.

At work, I was so caught up in my honeymoon-secret-dream-come-true that I didn't realise what was going until I heard the scumbag yelling: "It's hers!! She's a fucking junkie!!"

Caputo looked at me, holding the tiny bag of heroine in his hand, and just like that, my whole world came crashing down. I was fucked. And right on cue, there were those unsettling little voices again, the voices from the laundry room:

"Remember us, Nicky? Yes, we've ruined your life before, and we came back, to do it all over again. What, did you think you could actually get away from us? Did you think you could actually be happy?"

"Who, me?" I say, trying to speak over the voices, "Nah, it could be anyone."

Shockingly, Caputo turns back to Luschek. "You're a scumbag," he spits.

"Scumbag, seriously? You gonna talk to me like that? I don't even do drugs, man! I-I used to smoke marijuana, but it made me paranoid! So did meth, but heroine? Fuck no. It's her," he says, pointing straight at me.

I feel sick, like I could throw up all of the zebra vomit I had for breakfast. Zebra vomit. I think about Lorna, and the nausea turns to paranoia.

"What is this?! This is hearsay, you don't even have an evidence!!" I blurt.

"Be quiet!", Caputo orders.

"It's her, I've suspected it for a while," the scumbag goes on.

I push the hair out of my face, starting to sweat. I'm breathing way too hard, and my heart is pounding against my ribcage. I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

"Alright. Take her out. Down the hill."

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

"What?" I manage to ask.

"Get going."

"What the fuck is happening?!"

The panic breaks out, and it's worse than a panic attack. It's....

The C.O that's with them walks towards me and holds my arms behind my back.

"Mr. Caputo?! Come on!!"

It's hopelessness.

"Max?! Is that where I'm going?! Wait, wait, wait!! WAIT! MAX?!" I kick and scream as he drags me out. "FUCK!"

A panicky, raging hopelessness.

"I didn't do it!!" I scream, as tears start spilling down my face. I faintly hear Caputo saying: "We will not tolerate this...", and then, as I am pushed away by this fucking CO, his voice fades away.

Hopelessness blurs my vision, and pain makes almost everything go numb. I'm aware of my shaking shoulders, of the CO's hand on me, of my body'spasms, of the fact that I'm crying harder than I have since I got here, of my soaked cheeks. Fucking me, fucking me, fucking me. I want to blame someone, I want to blame the old bitch luck or destiny or Lorna's God, who has failed me, yet again, but I keep thinking, fucking me. Why didn't I get rid of the drugs as soon as I found them? Why couldn't I just flush it all down the toilet? And, why, for fuck's sake, did I trust Luschek?

Because I'm addicted, that's why. No, I'm more than addicted, I'm obsessed. And yes, oh yes my friends, there is a difference. You can live with addiction, I think, not forever, but for a very long time. It's obsession you can't live with, because in obsession exists a universe where nothing makes sense, where the rules of reality don't apply. There are monsters that climb into your bed, monsters that touch your hair and promise they will help you fall asleep, there are shrill little voices that mock you and dark eyes that don't blink, and needles that keep cutting your skin long after they're gone.

I've fucked it up. They're taking me down the hill. And Lorna is up here.
The sound of her voice and the feeling of her touch snaps me back into reality. She came running and collapsed against me.

"Nicky? Nicky, what's happening?" she sobs, clinging to my clothes.

"Stay back!", the CO yells at her, making her sob harder. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I try to pull myself together, cause I know it breaks hers to see me falling apart, and I suddenly realize I've stopped crying. It's like somewhere in the walk from electrical to the prison's main building, the part of me that was able to cry shut down. I can no longer do anything about my feelings, all I can do is walk and let them drill a hole inside of me, a hole that's just big enough to make me want to stop living, and small enough to keep me alive.

Red comes running down the hall. "I need to talk to her! I need to talk to her! I'm her mother, God damn it!" she stands in front of me and grabs me by the shoulders, while Lorna keeps clinging to my shirt and asking "what happened? what happened?"

"Nicky, what happened? Where did this come from? I thought you were doing okay-"

"I fucked up," I sob tearlessly.

"You know you could have come to me if you were struggling!"-she grabs my face, and as much as it hurts to do it, I turn it away.

"I know-"

"Then why didn't you?!" she demands, shaking me.

"Because that's not what I do, okay?!"

The CO loses his patience and starts pushing me again. I turn back to the two people I love the most in the world.

"I love you!" I say, and before he gets me outside, I hear Lorna crying "I love you too."

He pushes me inside the van, my hands are handcuffed behind my back.

Pennsatucky's sitting behind the wheel.

"Down the hill to Max," the CO indicates.

She starts driving and adjusts the rearview mirror to look at me. "Hey, Nichols," she says, "you wanted out! You're getting out!"

I'm too devastated to fight. "Yeah, how about that."

"Hey, look at the bright side! Can't get any shittier!"

"I don't know about that, Penn. I'm very resourceful."

"Well, you know. Did you say goodbye to your people?"

"What people?" I ask, pretending I didn't just leave the love of my life behind. Maybe it's better this way.

"All the dykes, your mom..."

"Red's not my mom. I wouldn't wish that on her. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

And down we go, down the hill. Down where I have no one, down where I have nothing. Down where all I have are the voices.

"Remember us, Nicky? We took everything from you. And here we've come, to take some more."