"Good morning students!" The teacher calls to my class in a shiny voice. Her hair is pulled back into her usual braid and her outfit is glamorous as usual with a green sweater and a long black skirt. I silently take note and scribble across the page as a random wave of lead escapes from my pencil.
I am bored and tired. This classroom is dull and painted with grey and white. The carpet is black, like a never ending ocean. I could sink into it and disappear, and no one would realize I'm gone.
As a result of my empty boredom, I begin to tap my my pencil against the cold surface of the useless desk, one tap every three seconds.
Everyone replies quickly, repeating back her welcome in soft tired voices. She is pleased to hear the response and continues the morning telling us a story about how her weekend went. My mind refuses to pay attention as I simply nod and go back to taping my pencil against my desk softly, without meaning.
I turn my gaze around the room and begin to study each desk. Books full of unknown adventures litter each table made obviously of artificial wood. The teacher speaks again, this time catching my attention. Her voice is soft and is hardly heard through the thunder and rain in the distance, tumbling towards the school.
"Alright then, today we have another poem to read." Half the class groans in anger and disappointment while the other half mutters a small yes. I simply sigh and begin to tap at a faster rate. On any normal day, I would be one of the students to exchange excitement for the new poem and practically be jumping from my seat in pleasure. My face would look like a child on Christmas morning, prepared to open their gift and see what's inside.
“This poem is called ‘The Good Children’”
I hear those words and suddenly my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. All emotion is erased from my eyes as a saddening memory floods my mind like an oil spill. I can feel myself tense as their voices echo in my head.
"Why can't you be a normal kid?!"
"What's wrong with you?"
"I raised a brat!"
I tap my pencil. Faster this time.
With my mind slowly consuming me, I turn my head to the window where I hope to get some fresh air. That is the only thing keeping me alive right now. Slowly the voice of my teacher turns into light muffles and all faces become blurry. I feel like a ghost. As if no one can see me and I could do anything, like float through walls or fly. My eyes sharpen as I catch view of the outdoors. There is no longer a parking lot like before. Instead the concrete is replaced with a field of flowers. Sunflowers to be exact. The sky is a bright blue and all I can see are white puffy beautiful clouds. For miles they stretch across the sky. I feel like shouting the simply yet complex words, “This is amazing!”, but I am too amazed to speak.
I climb out of the window, not even thinking about the lesson going on from inside the building. Almost like I was a wolf with the instinct to hunt. My body was telling me to leave the building.
The flowers brush softly across my ankles and I begin to walk forward into the bright yellow sun. A smile on my face shines brightly and suddenly I begin the skip. Soon enough I am running.
Dashing.
Chasing.
Escaping everything.
I clamp my eyes shut and burst out into laughter. My own voice echoes loudly throughout this wonderful world and I can't help but cry. I stop running and land harshly on my knees. Tears are cascading down my cheeks like waterfalls and I am silent with heavy breaths escaping my chapped lips. My body moves on its own and lays down in the tall field and I find myself staring at the sky above me. Suddenly the colors begin to change and day turns to night. Stars spread across the sky like sprinkles on a confetti cake. Feeling confused, I sit up and look forward. Instantly I am surprised that in front of my stands, me. As in myself. My own body. My mind. My soul.
Though, it is not the fifteen version of me that I see every morning in the mirror. This me, is younger. Five years old and smiling brightly with pigtails pulled into her hair. The kind my mom used to give me. And my dress. The dress she made.
Without warning, she runs the opposite direction with her arms out and the blubbering of her lips impersonating the sound of a plain. She is flying. Or at least she is in her mind. A great pilot soaring through the path above the earth and below the depths of space. I feel panicked and know deep down that I have to follow her. It doesn't occur to me why. My body simply moves on it's own and my heart screams to me, “Follow her!”
As I trail behind her, she runs faster.
"Wait!" I call. Her laughter continues and I am still chasing her like a game of tag. "Please don't leave me!" I cry.
Her body moves through the sunflowers and suddenly it drops like a pebble in an ocean. I dash forward and right before I trail her into the abyss I stop just in time for my feet to grip the edge of a cliff. I gasp knowing that I could not see the cliff before because of the height of the flowers. They were almost as tall as me, blocking my view, making it impossible to see the end until it was already to late.
I trace my shaken gaze down to the bottom of the ridge and I feel my body tense when I notice that the younger me is glaring up at me, waving with a smile on her face.
“Come join me!” She calls. I take a shaky breath and look back behind me to the cold American flag flowing through the wind from a large pole. The school’s flag. I trace my eyes back down to where my childhood self is and can feel my lips curve upwards. With hesitation, I walk backwards a few steps before clamping my eyes shut and running forward and leaping outward, as far as I can go. My body falls only for about a second before I open my eyes and realize that I barely jumped at all. In fact I wouldn't even say I fell a foot downwards.
I look around me and can't comprehend were she ran off to. She was right in front of me a minute ago. Now she had disappeared.
“Who are you?” A voice says. My eyes widen and I turn around to see myself looking up at me with a large and confused expression. I stay silent and can already feel boiling tears begin to flood my eyes. Her words feel like daggers.
My mind begin to race and the only words I can hear in my head is ‘Who am I? Have I forgotten?’
She again asks as if I don't exist. Suddenly she stops and turns around with her eyes out if front of her, plastered ahead. She then points and smiles. “Mama.” She mutters.
I stand next to her and bend down to my knees, ignoring her pointing and kind words. I lock eyes with her own and gasp in shock. They are cloudy and have no life, yet they are filled with saddened tears that fall onto the dirt below her feet. I pause before tracing her eyes and follow her gaze. I feel my spine tighten as I catch a glimpse of what she is pointing at.
Again, I am crying after I fully process what she sees and why she says that one word. A tree stands strongly in the middle of the field with a swing hanging off a large branch, swaying back and forth slowly with a shadow following behind it. Sitting in the swing is her. The only person I care about. The only person who loves me. The only one who believes in me. Instantly I rush towards her with my arms wide open, screaming at the top of my lungs her name. Repeating it over and over.
"Hey! Snap out of it!"
I stop tapping my pencil and I flick my gaze around the room as quick as I can. In front of me is my teacher holding out a piece of paper. My classmate is leaning next to me in his seat tapping my shoulder. I sigh and take the paper from her hands and mutter a quick "thanks" before leaning back in my chair. I blink and close my eyes for a second longer wishing to see sunlight and that beautiful field once again. I can feel disappointment flood through my body as I turn back to the window.
It's pouring rain.
