I used to watch you sleep sometimes.
When the lights were out and silence would blanket over this exact room.
When there was no one inside except you and me.
When you don't even know I’m watching because your eyes are closed. In fact you couldn’t see anything.
Your eyes were shut and your breath soft and calm, smelling of mint from your last toothbrush session.
I, on the other hand am wide wake.
Always staring endlessly at your sleeping figure.
Your warm body is laced against mine and I felt my cheeks flare up in imbaressment.
I remember the first time we met was in a bed just like this. Awkward and silent because the secretary gave you the wrong room key and you laid down next to me, thinking I was your current girlfriend. I woke up before you and rolled over expecting to see empty blankets and sheets. Only instead I found something else. A man about my age with his arms wrapped around my waist.
I stared at you for a good half an hour, moving the hair out of your face and playing with your fingers. Then suddenly you woke up and you jumped off the bed terrified. Your eyes were glued on to me and mine onto you. You asked me why I was in your bed and I asked you the same. We both told each other the same questions acting as if we were upset with the situation, then realizing that it was all just a pointless argument and that neither of us minded that much.
A week later, your girlfriend broke up with you and you got drunk. I found you passed out in the hallway and brought you up to my room and put you on my matrice. Again you slept next to me and stroked my hair softly muttering the words, “I’m sorry.”
It took us a month to actually become friends. We did everything together, played video games, went out to coffee shops, jumped off the dock downtown. We even slept together like it was normal. Almost every night. Occasionally I'd stay up and stare into your resting eyes trying to memorize each skin cell and count how many times I thought, ‘How can anyone be as pretty as he is?’
After a year and a half we both realized that this wasn't a friendship. We loved each other. You asked me out and asked me what I wanted to do. I replied, “Let's just chill in bed and talk about Aliens.”
And we did.
Then you fell asleep first, just like how you always did. And I stayed up studying your sleeping face. You know how you kissed me at the creek and said it was our first kiss?
Well it wasn't.
Our first kiss was that very night, after our date. You were fast asleep and my mind and heart took over my body and I kissed you
After that I knew if you ever asked me to marry you, I'd say yes.
My dreams come true a week later. You took me into my bedroom and sat me down looking me in the eyes, holding a worried expression on your face. I will never forget those final words you said as my boyfriend.
“I know this isn't flashy or out in the open where everyone can take video footage and post it online, but this is where I met you and I wanted this to be the most special night ever. Not to the media, or the internet. But for you. So with all the boring backgrounds and the informal dress aside I need to ask you,” That's when you wiped out that ring and began to cry out the four amazing words. “Will you marry me?”
I snapped back with a yes and leaped into your arms. Then we lost ourselves beneath our sheets and never in my life have I felt more bliss. You were no longer my boyfriend. You were my fiancé. That night I traced your body with my eyes, memorized on how beautiful you were and unique. I never wanted to let that go.
After our wedding we slept together every night, holding each other in our arms. You were always the one to wake up first and made breakfast perfectly every morning. Then that wonderful day came when you brought me the exact same eggs and toast and instead of falling in love with it, I got sick. You were so worried about me and rushed me to the hospital where I was told the most astounding news in my life.
I was pregnant. We were going to be parents.
We called all of our friends and family and told them the amazing news. Your mother started crying. It was the happiest day of my life. But I suppose that all good things must eventually come to an end.
About nine months later. I died.
I remember lying in that bed without a soul as you stroked my hair, telling me it's okay. It wasn't okay. I never felt so terrible. I cried so much, bawled and screamed. I was burning in hell. You tried your best to make the pain go away, to make everything better. How could it be when our daughter was never going to see this world?
For weeks we didn't say much, or do much. I felt like the world had ended. Then one night we were lying in bed together and you fell asleep. I watched carefully, messing with our hair and trying my best not to break as you cried. I had to make this life less miserable.
A year later we found ourselves in a new house, in an entirely new state, in an entirely new bedroom. We finally began to grow back to the way things were and smiles flooded our cheeks. Soon enough we were laughing and back to our younger-selves. We adopted our puppy Max and laid all together on that matrice like one big family. Eventually we decided that this life was so much better.
Suddenly a miracle happened.
I was once again pregnant with our second child. I felt so much joy and passion that I could not sleep. I laid down next to you smiling at my stomach. As it grew larger and larger I was more eager to meet my new baby.
And I did. I got to hold him. And hear his soft cry. And speak to him. And kiss his sweet fragile head.
Weeks passed and we were that family that we always wanted.
Then you changed.
I found myself watching you sleep more than I was watching you smile and laugh. You began to get sick, tossing vomit into the toilet daily. And you covered your head with a baseball cap all the time except when you slept. Your hair was no longer as strong as it used to be. It was thin and so light.
In panic, I called the Hospital and got an appointment ready for you. After we arrived they asked me to wait in the hospital room while they took you out for testing. When they came back they told me the most devastating news in my life. More devastating than watching my daughter, who I gave birth to, die in front of me. You were infected with cancer.
They told me that the risk of you surviving was slim.
I wasn't able to breath and found myself stressing over everything. My body ached, my mind went off course, everything seemed to crash. My son was the only thing that made me strong. I stayed a very night with both of you, kissing you softly and waiting until you woke up so I knew you were alive.
Dressed in black I watched you sleep for the last time.
Now I lay here all alone.
The lights are out and silence blankets over this room.
No one else is in here except me.
I no longer can watch you sleep.
