Insanely, Madly, Perfectly (Reddie)

we could've been beautiful.

as expected, eddie's mother was yelling the second he walked in the door. but the teenager ran upstairs before she could grab him, clutching richie's hoodie close to his neck.

"eddie kaspbrak you get down here this instant, young man!" sonia yelled at the top of her lungs. eddie flinched, and made sure his door was locked. water, his mind told him. he flopped onto his bed, squinting against the tears that were filling his beautiful brown eyes.

"eddie! open the damn door! right now!" sonia was screaming things over and over, making his head hurt. then she was pounding on the door and screaming, and eddie closed his eyes. richie's leaving. richie's leaving. richie's leaving. then soon, eddie was silently sobbing. he was sobbing so hard the bed was shaking. it hurt, it really did. the pain was the worst he had ever felt. worse than earlier when richie had initially told him. worse than outside. no, this time was different. it had actually sunk in; it was actually true. richie was going to leave him. no, please no! he can't! no, no, no, no! fuck, please no! eddie turned over, onto his stomach, and sobbed into the pillows.

"eddie!"

it hurts! please make it stop!

"open the door!"

this isn't how things were supposed to go! we were going to be so happy!

"god damn it!"

It could've been beautiful. we could've been beautiful.

"let me in!"

that stupid man destroyed everything! everything richie loved is gone because that son-of-a-bitch can't keep his mouth shut!

"now!"

i'm so sorry, richie. i'm just so, so sorry that you have to go through this.

"edward kaspbrak!"

i'm sorry, richie.

"eddie!"

eddie rolled over, and marched to the bedroom door, tears still leaking from his eyes. he tore the door open, and his mother gasped.

"eddie! what happened to your neck!?" she asked, walking closer. eddie backed up, shutting the door a bit more. he mentally cursed himself for not fixing the sweatshirt, but who cares now?

"none of your business!" eddie yelled, his voice cracking as he held in the tears.

"why are you being like thi-"

"because i don't need a fucking babysitter!" eddie screamed, cutting his mother off. she looked him in the eyes. if you're looking for the old eddie, you won't find anything. i've changed, and you need to as well.

"just go away! you're just gonna try to give me more pills!" eddie said accusingly.she backed up a bit, a dumbfounded look on her face.

"eddie..." sonia started, a hand on her chest. she looked hurt, but eddie didn't care. he was hurt too.

"no. i need to be alone. just go. and when i come downstairs, don't talk to me, don't run after me, just stay in the living room. i'm not dealing with this right now," eddie told her. eer eyes widened, and tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

"but your neck, eddie," sonia whispered breathlessly.

"i'm fine." eddie lied before closing and locking his door. i'm fine. no, no, eddie, you're not fine. you're far from fine. you're lying to her. you're lying to yourself. just cry, eddie. focus on richie. don't focus on the pain. focus on how happy richie is going to be in a different town. focus on him being happy. because he will be so happy. good. that's all i want. i just want him to be happy. oh god, richie, i hope you'll be happy in a different town. you should be. you'll be away from your monster of a father. if there was one thing i could ask for, the one thing i want more than to go with you when you leave, is for you to just be happy. i just want you to be happy, and if you can do that, then forget the part about me coming along, because it will obviously never happen. so, richie, all i ask is that you stay happy.

eddie was on his bed again, though he didn't remember going back to that side of the room. he wasn't crying anymore, but he was pretty damn close. he held the hoodie close, inhaling the scent. it made him feel somewhat safe, like richie was with him.

just focus. just breathe. close your eyes tighter. maybe then the awful memories'll just get crushed. eddie felt insane. he felt like he was going crazy, and he was afraid of it. he kept telling himself to breathe and focus on the hoodie, but he couldn't. of course he couldn't; how could he? but he couldn't talk to anyone about all this pain, it would just be creating more problems. besides, bill doesn't know anything about this kind of thing. he wouldn't know what eddie was talking about.

please just breathe, and get rid of this fucking bullshit. its not your fault. but goddamn it! then why the fuck am i paying for it!? no, no, eddie, you can't think like that. richie has it so much worse than you. and he's still going to write, and call, and visit. we'll have to take that chance...no. i can't. i won't be able to. i don't want this to end yet, but it may have to. knowing richie, he'll never come back to derry. i know its for the best but...holy shit this hurts so much. so, so, so fucking much. just don't say anything about it to him. if he says that he wants to cut it off, then we will, but i'm not saying anything. i just can't do it.