A Day Without You

Lost In Silence

It was as if his bruises never left his skin. Even after days, I could clearly see the red on his body. Rather than getting better, they kept getting worse.

The time between our encounters grew longer and longer. A few days quite easily turned into weeks. As I grew up, we fortunately started seeing each other at school. Not that we interacted as much as we used to, but every time we would meet, I got to see that same radiant smile of his. I never quite got along with the crowd he used to keep, but he never forgot about me and I was thankful for that.

Middle school was quite normal for me. I had other friends, I had work to keep my mind occupied... but I still felt bad about not seeing hyung anymore. I waited to graduate to high school, mostly to see him again. We hardly ever saw each other at home. Although I sometimes saw him return at the same time as I did... I could never approach him.

He seemed way too different.

When I spoke with him, it always felt like he was the same kid I knew 9 years ago... but he looked like a completely different person when he was with his friends. He spoke loudly, used languages that were somehow unpleasant to my ears and he was almost always covered in bruises. I was old enough to understand what was going on more or less. That's when it felt like I was the only one who was still standing at the same place. I was still the coward I was 9 years ago.

I saw him smile and laugh... I felt it was enough.

I was an idiot.

I finally graduated middle school. On the first day of high school, I went out of the apartment all well and prepared. As I went out the main gate of my building, there he was... standing by the side waiting for me. "Wow, the uniform suits you", he said with a happy yet idiotic smile on his face. I couldn't help but say, "What are you even saying", laughing at him. It had been a while since we genuinely felt that natural around each other. He wrapped his arm around my neck tightly, kind of forcing me to hunch down a bit. I had grown taller than him already back then and hyung never quite stoped sulking about that. "Come on let's get you to school", he said cheerfully, still holding onto my neck.

As we walked to the bus stop together, I kept looking at his face from the corner of my eye. There was quite a large bruise right above his left cheekbone and it was obvious that it had happened quite recently.

We were alone this time round... and I was tired of waiting anymore.

I finally asked the question I had been dying to ask since I was 8. "What is happening with you hyung?", I said quite seriously and slowly so that he had no chance to demand that he didn't hear it. I was expecting him to ignore it or to outright deny it.

But the look on his face left me terrified.

I had never seen such an expression on his face before. He looked like a completely different man. His eyes were piercing into mine, leaving me speechless and making my heart feel all curled up inside. "You never asked this before. Why now?", he said, in a voice which was nowhere near what I was used to hearing. I felt guilt beyond belief. I wanted to ask that question so much for such a long time and when I actually asked, his reply left me at ruins. I couldn't get the words I wanted to say out of my mouth.

"I wanted to ask for so long", "I always worried"... "I'm sorry"... Nothing came out, absolutely nothing.

As I struggled desperately to get something out, he stopped me by saying, "You don't need to know. Don't ask this again". My mind went blank after that. I couldn't hear anything, nor see anything clearly. I kept looking at his back, as he stood in front of me to probably see whether the bus is coming or not. I never felt that much amount of pain at once before. "He doesn't trust me", "He thinks I don't care", "He doesn't want me to pry"... "I think he despises me".... that's all I kept thinking over and over again.

I couldn't even look straight at him after that. I still remember regretting asking him that question. I almost jumped at the sound of the bus's doors opening, for I had no idea it was already in front of me. As the doors opened, hyung got in without even looking behind him. He simply walked into the bus, paid for his ride and walked to the back of it, finally sitting down at the opposite side. I just stood there, looking at him... as the bus left from right in front of me, getting lost amidst all the other vehicles in the distance.

It was the first day of high school... and the day it all started going to hell.