A Day Without You

The Truth In Your Eyes

I'm shaking right now... I can't stop it. Stop already... It's no use. I didn't even wash off the blood from my hands. The OT door's not opening either. It's been more than half an hour now. How long of an operation will it be... God, please let him be okay. How did it come to this? Why did it come to this...

I can't help it. Sitting here idly like this, I keep thinking about what happened a few days ago. That's the day it started... the day that led to this one.

Shinwon was... is a really nice kid. The place I work at is pretty strict when it comes to work so when I first joined, I didn't say or do much out of what I absolutely had to do. It was the fear of being treated as a kid I guess. I never liked it when people didn't take me seriously, so I worked hard to earn everyone's trust and respect. I loved being a crime reporter, so putting all my effort into my work wasn't exactly hard on me. But Shinwon... he was different. He always has this smile on his face ever since the beginning. I still remember the first day he came to the office 6 months ago. He's basically a walking talking tower compared to me, but he has this innocence on his face which makes it pretty obvious that he's just a kid. I always end up laughing when I remember how he called me "Sir" the first day.

"Who are you calling sir?! Just call me hyung or Jinho sunbae or something like that... What is up with the sir?"

We were both laughing like young children after that. I couldn't help it. Ah, that was a good day. It didn't really take us too much time to get close. I had been working there for quite a while but he's someone I enjoy being close to. He's my cameraman, so we had reasons beside personal ones to get close. I was ecstatic when I heard someone was coming for the position. I already had high hopes and Shinwon never disappointed me. He worked hard, too hard at times and he had the eagerness to learn. Sometimes, it felt like he was reaching out to something too much. I never understood why he worked as hard as he did, until finally he opened up to me about it a few months back. He started the conversation saying "Sunbae, is it possible for us... to try and find someone?", looking at me with both hope and worry in his eyes.

It felt like he was holding something painful within him.

His eyes didn't have that usual brightness in it. They looked sad. That got me curious as well - just who was he trying to find... I answered him almost immediately saying, "I can try and help you. Who is it you want to find?", smiling slightly so as to make him feel comfortable about opening up. I'm guessing it worked because he didn't think twice before telling me who it was. "Hui hyung... Ah no, his name is Lee Hwitaek. He left home about 6 years ago and he...", he kept on saying, describing every detail he possibly knew. He looked frantic, impatient... he looked like someone who had just gotten hold of a sliver of hope after years. I felt worry for him. He didn't look like his usual self and that scared me. I wondered to myself, who this 'Hui hyung' was. I took down all the details he told me and gave him a few words of encouragement saying, "I'll try my best. Don't worry too much okay?". But I could see it was of no use.

"Ah... This is what he truly looks like"

That's what came to my mind at that moment. That worry, that helplessness... he had been living with it for a long time, it was pretty clear from his expression. "Sunbae, thank you", he said right after whilst trying to get a hold of himself. The way he stood in front of me, I couldn't help but feel like I had to try and help him. He became his previous self later on but, from then on... he never looked the same to me. I knew what lied inside and I slowly started to see through what he showed on the outside. Well... I went to the one person I knew who could help me the most with it. I went to the detective bureau to meet Hongseok. We've been friends for a long time now. We went to the same middle school and high school and we both wanted to catch the bad guys so, we got along well even though I was 2 years older than him. Being in the same field - him being a detective and me being a crime reporter, we still have heated discussions about familiar topics. Well, he was obviously the first man to came to my mind.

I went in to find him in his division. That place is quite familiar to me so I know my way around a lot. It's kind of hilarious actually. Anyhow, I went ahead and I saw him sitting there on his desk with his face buried into the laptop screen. I called out to him as I usually do by saying "Oi Hongseokaa". He wasn't even surprised to see me. I doubt anyone in there is surprised to see me there anymore.  "There's no new big case as of yet so why is hyung here?", he said with his face and hands still plastered to the laptop. It's true, I never went there without a reason, but it kinda hurt when he said that. I do remember saying something like "Why? I can't just come to meet you?", whilst smiling a bit to which he replied with a simple stare. I knew that the stare meant something like "Who are you kidding here...". My smile got wider after that happened but I finally proposed we get down to business soon. I explained everything I knew to him and he listened quite carefully to it.

But it surprised me, when he said "Ah wait... I know this guy."

My heart dropped. The guy had been missing for 6 years so how was it this easy to find him. "You know him? Wha-- How?", I said in quite a hurried manner. I knew I was being pretty obvious with my interest in him but I never mind acting like this in front of Hongseok. He replied to my question quite fast saying, "He was recently caught in the neighborhood district for starting a huge fight at a pub or something like that. I thought the name sounded familiar and remembered people here speaking about it. It was something like 6 against 2 so he was pretty badly hurt, along with his accomplice". My next question was to ask where he was now to which he replied, "I'll find that out. Give me a couple of days". I felt like that was fair enough. He wasn't in this district and it would take time and permissions to get his information.

Hongseok had already done a lot for me and I trusted him completely. I never had to tell him to hurry up... he knows what I'm like all to well. So even back then, I didn't say anything to his answer. "Call me when you find something okay? It's... quite urgent", I said before starting to get up from my seat but I got interrupted by Hongseok as he replied, "He's a regular troublemaker... Why are you interested in someone like him suddenly?". The question was justified coming from him and I had no reason to hide anything from him. I told him clearly about Shinwon, what he had told me and how this was of importance to him... and also, to me.  He didn't ask anything more. "I understand. Leave it to me", he said with a grin on his face.

I knew he would be able to do it... and he actually was successful in getting the information I asked for. But I wonder... Would things have been different if I... would've handled them better.