A Day Without You

Hoping For Forgiveness

I thought the worse was over. It’s never going to leave me… the pain, the horror. It’s not fair, for this to keep happening to all of us. My hands keep shaking and it just won’t stop. A week has went by already, but he’s still not waking up. Hyung never deserved this… he didn’t deserve this life.

I was trying; I really was – to forget about whatever had happened while I was in the hospital. Those words kept ringing in my ears again and again… the things hyung said to me that day. I wanted to forget about it all. I was away from him, I wasn’t attempting to find him anymore, I was not trying to be a part of his life again… but what is this huge mess. Everything was supposed to work out wasn’t it? He was supposed to be happy. But it had to come to this again. When I got the call from Detective Yang, I refused to pick up. As selfish as I was, I didn’t want to speak with anyone at that time. He called me thrice but I foolishly kept ignoring it. My mother picked up the house’s phone, and that’s when it all came crashing down on me. It was sunbae who had called at that time. My mother almost couldn’t speak and she had this horrified look on her face when she came running to me. She stuttered as she said the words, “Hwitaek he… he jumped off a…” and I knew… I just knew what that meant. I ran to the phone to speak with sunbae but my voice wouldn’t stop shaking. I tried to ask him what was going on and I couldn’t stop being scared of the answer. But when he said, “Get to the hospital first, I’ll explain everything there” and I didn’t say a word before I rushed out through the door.

Everything started to spin after that.

My head couldn’t process what was happening anymore. I hailed a cab and told the driver the name of the hospital but my voice was almost lost. I was breathing weirdly and I knew it wasn’t the running. Every second I had to myself inside the cab was a nightmare. I kept thinking the worst possible things over and over again. It wasn’t far but it felt like it was taking way to long for me to reach there. I wanted to see him… I just wanted to see him and I didn’t want it to be the last time. I felt ready to leave him, but I was foolish to think that I was ready to say goodbye for good. I wonder what I was hoping for… seeing him again, reconciling…  I didn’t even know anymore, I just wanted him to be alive. When I reached the hospital, I ran out of the cab after paying and I couldn’t come to a stop till I reached the reception. I could feel my whole body shaking but my feet refused to move slowly. I obviously had a terrible expression on my face and I could see the person sitting in front of me getting worried about my presence. She spoke slowly asking “S-sir, are you alrig-“, but I couldn’t wait till she finished. I had to ask where hyung was, but she simply wouldn’t reply. She kept trying to change the subject but not too long after, a familiar voice caught my attention. I heard Detective Yang call me “Shinwonshi” from across the hall, after which he continued by saying “This way”. I was on the verge of breaking down by then.

Even standing seemed like an impossible thing for me at that moment.

Somehow, my feet gave up. I couldn’t even walk properly anymore. I followed him slowly and the whole environment went blurry. Halfway through, he held me to help me walk. And then I saw the glass window through the doors. After having to wear clean clothes, they finally let me in. I heard later that I wasn’t even allowed to go in since it was a police case and hyung was one of the suspects. But Detective Yang brought me in nonetheless. And as soon as I reached the window, I couldn’t breathe anymore. My neck felt jammed, my chest felt stuffy and I couldn’t even start to understand what I was looking at. He was just lying there all still, several tubes attached to him and just machines all around him. He was white as paper and it felt like there was no life left in him. The only thing that made me believe otherwise was the heart rate monitor. I couldn’t look away… even though I soon lost my sight as my eyes started to fill up. I felt absolutely sick but I couldn’t move. I kept staring at him like an idiot… like the good-for-nothing idiot I am. But as soon as Detective Yang said my name again, I came back to my senses. “Washroom… the w-washroom”, that’s all I could say to him. No sooner than he showed me the way, I couldn’t keep it anymore. My throat started to burn as I let it all out and the crying made it worse. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror in front of the basin. Every bit of strength I had left my body after that and it just felt too heavy to handle. I washed my face and mouth and got out and I saw sunbae standing next to Detective Yang. They were speaking with each other before I caught their attention. I could see the expression the both of them had and I knew I didn’t look too good.

But it kept getting harder and harder to stay there.

Sunbae sat down with me while Detective Yang stood beside him, as I listened to what had actually happened. I couldn’t even look at sunbae as he spoke with me. My head refused to rise up as I kept looking at my hand shaking throughout the conversation.  And soon enough, I could see the water on them… and I couldn’t stop anymore. I buried my face in my hands and bent down. Everything was dark from that point onward. I couldn’t stop, my voice came out by itself and so did the tears. I could feel sunbae holding me from behind but I couldn’t react to anything anymore. All I could do was lean into him. I can’t even remember much of what happened after that. My eyes still feel sore… since it’s been like that ever since that day. I can’t control myself, every time I see him like that… I can’t stop. I keep worrying sunbae and Detective Yang but I’m not getting any better even when I’m trying to make an effort to.

But it was as if hyung’s voice kept echoing in my head. “You’re the reason I am like this in the first place”… that sentence kept torturing me again and again. The more I looked at him, the more I remembered that this was all my doing.