A Day Without You

Don't Say Goodbye

Things became different from then onwards. I felt shattered, thinking that I ruined whatever good thing we had left between us. I hardly saw him at school after that.

Rather, I was afraid to even want to face him.

A few days had already passed. I became busy getting used to the new environment. I already had work to do and things to look after. I joined the photography club, for that was always my main point of interest. But even with so many things to work at, I couldn't help but wait for hyung. That's all I ever did... wait. I despised myself for that sole reason... I always waited too long to do something. I was too scared to see him give the same expression he gave me at the bus stop. I couldn't bare to watch him look at me like that again. We were in different floors so we hardly met by chance. I was somehow relieved about it... and at the same time, regretful.

It was almost hyung's birthday. I thought that it was the best time to try and mend things with him. My mother once took a photo of just the two of us playing in the park as children. We both adored it, so I thought I would give him a copy of it inside a frame. I was quite excited at that moment... just thinking about him being happy made me smile. But then I remembered that I had to speak with him first, so that we could meet on the day of the occasion.

The fear was back again.

I went up the stairs, glancing at the hallway, which was filled with seniors. I went in front of his class, asking a senior, "Sunbae, is Hui hyung here?", running my eyes through the classroom trying to find him by myself. "No, he should be returni- ah there he is", the senior said pointing right behind me. I turned around to see him with some other students, chatting in quite a lively manner about something. They were the same people I saw a few times at home. As he came a bit closer, he saw me standing in front of him and he just... stopped. He stopped walking and paused his speech. The other guys seemed surprised at his reaction. I doubt they knew who I was in details or what had recently happened between hyung and I. No matter what they said, he stared at me for a few seconds before speaking again. I could tell that I caught him off-guard."You guys go back first", he said to the others before turning to speak to me. "What are you... doing here? You needed something?", he said in a calm manner. Although that wasn't what I was used to either but it was a much better reaction compared to what had happened before. "Hyung... it's your birthday soon. Can we maybe, meet on the day?", I asked quite hesitantly.

I didn't want to hear a 'no' for an answer.

That was the last thing I wanted and the first thing I expected to hear.

Hyung looked at me with the same consistent and calm gaze. "I don't mind", he said while smiling lightly. I should've felt happy then. I actually did, but not fully. I could see that his smile was not a genuine one. I had already seen his smile for almost 10 years by then. I could tell the difference between a forced and a heartfelt one. But my mind was too occupied with the fact that he agreed to meet up with me. I smiled saying, "You will love your present, I know it", still trying to figure out his thoughts from his expression. As the bell started to ring, hyung walked towards me, patting my shoulder with his hand saying, "Go back now Shinwonna or you'll get scolded". I looked at him while he went by me and into his classroom.

It had been such a long time... since I heard him call me 'Shinwonna'.

I was happy beyond belief at that moment. I ran to my class, not because I was afraid of being late but because I was too excited. I was grinning like an idiot for almost the whole day.

I prepared the gift with utmost care. I did everything faster and more carefully than usual. I had about 4-5 days to prepare it so it wasn't a hurried work. The gift was ready and packed by the night before hyung's birthday. I thought that everything could be back to normal after that.

I didn't see what was coming at me.

The day finally arrived. I got up early, prepared myself for school, for I was hoping we both could go to school together that day. I didn't get to see him much after last speaking with him but, it didn't seem out of the ordinary to me at the moment. I went out of my apartment with my head filled with wishful thinking and my heart filled with excitement. I went out of the building gate and walked straight to his building's direction. I opened the gate and went up to his apartment. I rang the bell and knocked on the door twice and stood there, waiting for a response. I waited patiently for about a minute or so, but then I rang the bell once again. After my third attempt, I heard sounds from inside.

But I didn't know the man who opened the door.

"What do you want this early in the morning?!", said the man in a very irritated manner. Although I was taken aback by it, I replied "Is... is Hui hyung here?". I could hear my voice shake a bit, but I somehow got my question out. And the reply that came next, ended all of my excitement and expectations.

"That trash of a human being doesn't live here anymore! Don't you dare come here asking for that IDIOT AGAIN!", said the man before slamming the door at my face.

I stood still in front of the door for quite a while. I still remember my mind going completely blank back then. A man I had never seen before just told me he wasn't there. For that, I couldn't readily accept that fact. I was hoping for it to be a completely different day than how it actually turned out to be. I wasn't ready to understand the truth. Later on when I heard the same thing at school, it became clear that he had left for good. Although I knew what was happening, I was still not ready to believe it.

I became dazed beyond help. I could feel nothing... see nothing.

The day we spoke about meeting, that was the last time I saw him. I still have that birthday present with me at home. I looked at it this morning and all those feelings came back to me. Who am I kidding... those feelings never left in the first place. I still feel as helpless as I felt back then.

Today is his 24th birthday... and I still don't know where he is... or how he is.