Waiting to Exhale [Larry S. Alpha/Omega Dynamics]

Smitten

(Dedicated to: Stylinson_Fight because her heartfelt motivation for me to continue was very refreshing.  Thank you)

-Harry

I used to think that finding the right one was about that person having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a check mark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractiveness. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together. And I want that with Louis, I want to feel that pull again, to have that connection.

I made my way up the stairs to the front door which was locked. Leave it to mum to be scared in this small neighborhood. I chapped at the wood three times, not having a key for myself and wait for mum to open up. I heard soft feet ascend down the stairs in an almost musical tune before the door opened to reveal Gemma. I sigh and pushed passed her and headed to the stairs not quite in the mood for her ignorance and constant blames of 'its your fault', and 'you upset mum and dad'. Its never her fault, of course it never is, she's an angel.

I walk to my room , hearing the fifth step creak. I've grown to love that step, for I remember tripping on that very step. I remember how bad it hurt and how much I cried. I also remember my dad scolding me about being weak. He never was tough himself but of course as a kid I never called him out on it. And that makes me wonder. Would Louis and I have something like that? A video, or a picture that's a constant reminder of the good times we had. Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before anything can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act of self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it? I smile at the thought but it is quickly washed away the second that it appeared. I'm in over my head.

Sighing, I enter my room and kick off my shoes and lay back on my bed, not once glancing at that clock that hunted my mind a few hours prior.

Future... I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list. Like for example, I'm still beyond obsessed with the winter season and I still start putting up strings of lights in September. I still love books and quotes and really old cats that are only nice to you half the time. I still love writing in my journal and wearing boots all the time and staring at chandeliers.

But some new things I've fallen in love with -- mismatched everything. Mismatched chairs, mismatched colors, mismatched personalities. I love the the smell of the green grass in the school yard. Of course this isn't something that a 'normal' person would think about, but it brings me back to the days of trying to get a close parking spot at school, trying to get noticed by the football players, and trying to figure out how to avoid doing or saying anything uncool, and wishing every minute of every day that one day maybe I'd get a chance to find love. Or something crazy and out of reach like that.

I love old buildings with the paint chipping off the walls and my dad's stories about college and how he found the perfect mate there. I love the life that comes with being a mated alpha, sure I haven't experienced it yet but I see it all around me and see how perfect it would be, but I also love things that make me feel seven again. Back then naivety was the norm and skepticism was a foreign language, and I just think every once in a while you need fries and a chocolate milkshake and your mum.