The End of Our Stars

Okay?

Okay.

I tried to breathe in what was left of my oxygen and faced the beautiful fear I was never deprived of. He always feared oblivion while I did not. But then again, he fought his fear despite the guaranteed loss.

Okay?

I can hear his voice…so close.

I’m here, Augustus. I said. Then I hear a sob and I opened my eyes. Am I still here? I asked myself. Mom holds my arms and leans in, desperate to keep herself from crying.

“You’re okay.” She whispers shakily. Dad sobs in the corner. I wonder what had happened; why I was awake, why I am alive, why, in spite of all my waiting, I am to wait further. An hour ago, I was too sure I would die, that this is it. Maybe I’ll get to see him again if there was an afterlife where your fear of oblivion subsided and that you could play basketball and videogames and pretend you’re Max Mayhem.

“Is she okay?” That’s Isaac.

“I’m still alive.” I sighed, almost regretfully when I should be thankful for having an extension. But I wasn’t. I’m pretty pissed actually. I don’t want to complain, honestly. But I was there. I was so close. It’s that feeling, you know, like in an airport and you’re ready for your flight and in the last second, it gets freaking cancelled. “Why is that?” I exclaimed, unable to contain any more of my irrational yet totally explainable anger. “Why postpone it?” I yelled and I could feel the tears attempting to spill over.

“Oh, Hazel,” Mom croons as she breaks away and caresses my head. Dad cries, still, silent. “He would’ve wanted you to live.” She continues and gives me an encouraging nod. But I shook my head no.

“Not like this, Mom.” And I knew Augustus would say this too…if we had this situation in reverse. Mom looks at me with sadness in her eyes and finally, Dad comes over.

“It’s not fair. We know, Hazel. We know.” He says though it was quite muffled. “God, that kid didn’t deserve it. But you don’t either.”

Isaac stranded by the doorway, tears up. He was quiet and even if his sunglasses hide his eyes, it doesn’t cover his entire face. Tears slip by his cheeks and I suddenly felt bad for feeling disappointed of being alive. I tried to pull myself together and nodded decidedly.

“I’m sorry. But…I just—” I didn’t know what comes after that. So I started crying.

“Gus would feel the same thing, Hazel.” Isaac whispered, comforting, trying to disguise his sobs. Maybe Gus would feel the same thing. But I can’t really know, can I?

Gus isn’t here.

No matter how much time passes, I wouldn’t end up in a hospital bed with him holding my hand as he secretly visits me. I guess that’s what I’m really anticipating. I guess I expected him holding my hand saying that it’s okay when I open my eyes.

“Okay.” I said aloud even though he wouldn’t be here to say it back. “Okay.”