The Journal of a Lost Soul

11/01/2017

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I Don't Know Anymore~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not a day can go pass without a dark thought crossing my mind. I just ... I don't know what to think anymore.

My mind is a mess.

I don't even know what I'm saying, I don't know. Everything is just so confusing. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I try pushing people away, but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I'm always alone, people never stay long.

I made a new friend last year. She's like me, she sees them too. I met her brother, he makes me feel ... different.

She says he likes me, I feel guilty neither of them know the whole truth about me. They only know a little of what my real self is like.

And its going to stay that way.

We became close real quick, I opened up to them rather fast. That's new for me to do. But I can't keep from thinking it wont last long, these things never do.

People get bored with me.

And never want anything else to do with me.

I couldn't help from thinking maybe ... maybe they are different from the rest.

I was wrong.

He asked me how I would feel being his girlfriend, I felt so warm knowing someone wanted to share their life with mine. We talked together. We laughed together. What could have gone wrong.

Everything went wrong.

Those memories came back. The memories I tried to suppress for 5 long years returned. I caused everyone to worry about me.

I felt so guilty.

They all had things to do in their own lives. And yet because of one little incident I caused all of them to worry.

Why couldn't I keep it in.

I should have been able to keep it all bottled.

Why did my control over my fear... why did it all snap.

I don't like remembering that day. The day when everything changed.

I don't like change. It scares me. It means that everything I know, everything I'm use to might disappear. And it all did, in a cloud of black smoke.

~Nymph