The Journal of a Lost Soul

11/04/2017

Why would I think he would be any different. We come from two different worlds. Even if he told me I was meant for his world and not here.

I finally know where I belong. And maybe if I was there he would stay.

Maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore. There would be more people like me there, he said there would be.

I would have a family, that loves me for who I am on the inside. Dark thoughts and all.

How do I go home.

When do I go home.

I want to leave this place, but I cant. He says I'm not ready, he's not ready. But if he loved me he would want me to be happy, right?

He wouldn't want me to endure the constant rejection I get everyday from this world.

He would want me to be with him as soon as possible.

Right?

Or am I just a fool, for thinking someone like him would love something like me. I don't disserve his love.

I am unworthy of it.

And yet I am selfish, because even though I don't disserve him. I want him all to myself.

But I don't think he loves me anymore. He's seen how I am treated by the others who supposedly love me.

After I opened up and told him all this. I think he realized that I was broken beyond repair. He told me not to believe her.

But how can I believe him when he doesn't love me anymore.

How can I believe him when he's the one pushing me away now.

How can I trust him when he's the one telling me not to come home.

I want to go home.

But he tells me I am not ready to. I have always been ready to find my home. And now that I have he wants to prevent me from achieving my dream, of returning to where I belong.

I have told him, I don't care about life or death anymore.

I am tired. So tired of trying anymore.

I want to give up, let it all go. To be at peace.

But I can't I can't be at peace here. I don't belong here.

He doesn't speak to me anymore. I don't sense him anymore either. He left me after he said he wouldn't. Just like all the rest.

Who was I to joke myself into thinking he would stay.

He can have any girl he wants. What made me think he would choose such a screwed up monster like me anyway.

All I want is love.

Someplace to belong.

A home.

But that all seems to be a joke to everyone. Why would a monster need any of those things.

Monsters only know how to destroy other peoples happiness. And that's what makes them happy.

I am not the monster.

Everyone else is.

All the people keeping me from my happiness. They are the monsters, not me.

And when I finally find my way home, I'll have to face him there. But maybe I'll be more confident in myself. Maybe I'll be able to put all the cruel things people have said to me and about me behind me.

Be able to start a new.

Where people will accept me. Because there will be others just like me.

I wont be called broken or defective.

I will simply be me.

And people will love me for who I am.

I can only wait.

And ... hope.

~Nymph