I know this is going to sound wierd, but that's what diaries are for, right? Your thoughts that are maybe just too out there to voice with anyone else? Well here it goes. I'm kind of new to this whole diary thing, so its kind of hard for me. Anyways...here it is. The thing thats been on my mind for quite some time, but I don't dare say it out loud. Sometimes I wish that I had some sort of life threatning disease. I know that sounds awful, but I don't know, I just think it would change my life and others, in a good way. Because I'm short on time I would be forces to do the things in life that I've always wanted to do, but I think I will forever be a chicken, that list going no farther than the peice of paper its written on. I would have to become a bold person and accomplish my dreams and goals that I planned on combating later in life. I would also have to face my fears.
There are three main reasons that keep me from wishing this tough. I am not completley oblivius to what I am wishing for. One:the obvious one, death. I'm not really scared of death itself, only if it stops me from doing the things I had planned. Dying at a young age would be tough, not only on me, but on my famimly. They would take it pretty hard, but I also think it would make them stronger than ever and almost do some good in the end. Maybe it would change their outlook on life, give them a new perspective.
Two: I would just hate it if because of my disease I wasn't allowed to go out and live my life to the fullest until my last, if I wasn't able to do the things i needed before I die. Also not being able to go about my day to day routine.
Lastly, but definetly not least: I would NOT like people's pity. I ca not stand people feeling sorry for me or acting different around me veacuse I'm sick. I guess to avoid that as much as possible, i couldn't tell anyone, just my imediate family. I don't want people to treat me different just because I'm sick, especially people at school and my aunts uncles and cousins. I'm the baby of the family, and my cousins hhave always treated me that way, but I'm slowly becoming less and less, "the youngest" in thier eyes. I've worked hard for that. They play just as rough with me as they do with my older sister. -My older sister, thatis another reason part of me wishes I had some sort of disease. We have never been very close, we get along fine, but not mch of a relationship for only being three years apart. I'm fine with it for now, but that needs to change when we get older. She's my only sister, and when we have families i want us to be close, have a good relationship.Maybe not having the time would make us closer sooner? Isee my friends and thier older sisters, the same age as mine, and I can't help but to feel a slight pang of jealousy in my heart, as they share inside jokes and go to thier sister when times get rough, hang out together, and tell eachother everything. That is probaly the biggest problem between my sister and I. We don't really like to share our thoughts, with anyone. I keep all my secrets to myself, and I've got all these wild thoughts in my head, which is why I'm trying this diary thing. I'm afraid if i try to keep it all in myself for to much longer without letting some out, i might have brain diareah and say a whole bunch of things that were never meant to be said.
I think another reason part of me wishes i had a life threatning disease, is because there are SO many things that I can't do and for once I just want a legitimate reason why i am incapable. If someone asked me to do something, and i just couldn't do it, it would be nice to have a reason why. Not that i would have to tell the person, "I'm dying", I wouldn't want their pity, it would just be something to tell myself.
I don't have much going for me, I'm smart, but thats about it. I'm average looking, probably could do with a little better dieting and excercising habits, but I wouldn't say I'm fat, I have no self esteem or confidence, not to good at social aspects, and dont really have a social life. The people around me are so greatwith so much potential, they just don't realize it. We all need a wakeup call, including myself, so why not let myself be the one to do it. I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything I just sometimes think things would change for the better if I was forced to live the life I want to, including helping others along the way. It may seem like an awful thing to wish, but a part of me still does anyway. I just want to LIVE for once you know? Really embrace everything around me, show everyone and thing their true potential, and just finally for once, be able to be myself, and not give a crap about anyone else.
