I’m done. They’re going to get rid of me. It was a physical pain to think about Donna and Matt; a knife cutting a sharp deep wound into my chest. They have been the closest I’ve had to parents since my mother was around. They have also been the nicest to me. They were the ones who forced the foster agency to take me off my medications. I have been given mind altering drugs since I was seven years old.
I didn’t mind it so much; it usually put me into a deep daze. I no longer had to think of what my father did nor what some of the less descent of the foster homes did. I no longer was afraid of the night; that someone would come to my room while I was sleeping.
Although some had unsightly affects. I was on one medication that made me lose my appetite. Now this wouldn’t be too bad but it went to the point where I never ate anything. I was anorexic to the point where I was barely able to eat a strawberry. I was in rehab for two years.
Some pills made me angry. There were times I threw tantrums so strong I destroyed the houses. I broke my foster father’s wrist. When this started to happen they put me back on the drowsy medication. I was apathetic to the world. I felt nothing and to be honest I sort of miss that ability. Being off it, I’m now aware of my surroundings. I’m aware of what the other kids and teachers say about me behind my back.
It hurts.
I wish it didn’t.
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It is his entire fault, that man. My father’s fault.
If it weren’t for him I would never be in this mess. Not that if he was a normal father and not a criminal I wouldn’t have a hard life. But, entirely, I wouldn’t exist. That would be nice. But I can’t help the small shred of hope in my heart that keeps me from killing myself. I want to live, for things to be better.
That’s why I want Donna and Matt to keep me. I want stability in my life; I want a home. I don’t want to be alone; it’s depressing to stay by yourself always. But it happens. I’ve been dealt a shit hand by fate so I might as well play my best cards. I’m not going to let my nightmares shade my days.
