insufficient || larry au

04 || Group Therapy ||

“Maybe they’re angels that want to go home.” –m.l.b.

Chapter 04 || Group Therapy ||

I expect to wake up in a hospital room, or a morgue, but I don’t. I don’t exactly wake up either, though. I can hear Louis’ worried voice telling Zayn to call nine one one but that’s all I can focus on; I don’t hear if Zayn called them or not; I don’t hear multiple men come in; all I hear is Louis’ voice telling me to hang on, damn it.

If I were to be ever scared of waking up in a hospital room again, it would be now because I know that Louis is going to be there with his comments regarding how stupid he was to leave me alone and how he couldn’t be there to save me. But even now in this dark room, I am listening to the sound of Louis’ soft snores and I feel anxiety creeping up on me and disappearing as if it was never there.

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if the first time had been a success; if I had never really met Louis; if Zayn had never gotten the chance to try to make up what he had done. I know things would be different with my parents; I’m sure they would be selling my bedroom things instead of planning an empty funeral. I wonder if things would have really made a difference had I decided to hang myself when no one was home.

I feel a sense of stupidity for myself because I knew Louis was coming back and yet I attempted to commit again. How idiotic and selfish could you be to do things like that to people who cared, or pretended, or whatever the heck they were doing because even I’m not sure anymore.

The clock reads two in the morning, and I know that in a matter of hours Louis is going to wake up with jumbled thoughts and remarks. I don’t know if they will be good thoughts, that he’s glad I’m back, or rude remarks. How could I do this to him? Do I realize what I’ve done? Anxiety has crept further up my body until I hear an annoying beeping that I realize now was my heart. A nurse comes in quickly with a pill and requests I take it, but I don’t want to sleep; I want to stare at Louis for a bit longer before he decides that I’m a lost cause and leaves me.

“Darling, you need to take your pill. It’ll help with the anxiety and I’m sure you don’t want to be awake at two in the morning.” The nurse is sweet and I feel awful for ignoring her, for sliding down lower in my bed to roll away from her. She sighs sadly, “I know you’re going through a tough time and I know my opinion on you doesn’t really count, but I know you’ve got a big heart and big dreams and I know that one day you’ll realize all that you have and all that you could lose in a matter of days. Don’t think too much on the things that dwell negatively in your life, but things like those young men over there that saved your life. You’ve got to think of the outcome in things before you push too hard.” I hear her set my pill and the glass of water on the table beside me. “Goodnight, Harry.” And she leaves.

                         

Maybe it was when Louis’ snores stopped that made me wake up because when I opened my eyes, he was starting to sit up. I close my eyes quickly and breathe slowly, as if I were still asleep. He walks over to me and plops down on the chair beside the bed, sighing in distress.