The Tales of an Aromantic Asexual [my rant and author update book]

The Devil's Kitchen

//Trigger warning: suicide and self harm mentioned\\
Hey everyone! I found another depressing writing from 2 years ago in my notes. I just couldn't believe I was going through this at 14. I really thought I needed to end it all. This just really shows me that when we are in deep dark thoughts like that, it's only for that moment.

And yea,

It fucking sucks.

But I'm living proof that things do change and you won't always be in that darkness. There are always times when you are gonna feel like shit.

It's life.

And now 2 years I stand before you, still having my dark moments but prevailing so I can see the lighter days.

Ok here's the slam "poem" I wrote 2 years ago entitled The Devil's Kitchen:

The Devils kitchen

It seems like every damn day of my life gets ruined by you
My tears get heavier and fuller
They overflow and stain my pillows
I often cry myself to sleep
Some nights I don't sleep at all

How could I love someone as ugly as you?
You are the most ugliest person inside and out. You make it hard for everyone and anyone to love you my father, my siblings father, your brothers & sisters, your own mother. But most of all your 14 year old daughter.

Should a 14 year old feel this way?
Unloved, hurt , and abused.

The carving on my bed, 3/8/15. Also the password to my phone. The first time I drew blood from my wrist. Thought the shit was for the people in the movies

But let me tell you one fucking thing
THERES A WAY TO DO EVERYTHING

I'm sick and fucking tired of you putting your god damn hands on me. You put your hands on me and I end up beating my own self up.

I look in the mirror and see a heat bump having thing. I don't even consider myself a person... I continue to look in the mirror and see something that has no curves just ugly love handles and big meaty thighs. I have stretch marks on my ass, I hate them so much that I pick at them. 

I planned on asking a young man at my school,***** (had to blur his name lol I was very upset), to morp (prom). But now after today I feel as if I'm not worthy all because of you. Only time will tell if I go through with it or not

I try to better myself the best way I can but when I try it's like I'm even trying.

Is there even a god? I can't even think of one who can save me from this hell. My life a living hell

People who don't know me look at me as if I live the best life ever. I'm always smiling and laughing cracking jokes trying to hide the pain that you caused. But when those people finally look inside and see a part of my life they could not see behind closed doors they ask how I do it.

C****
H*****
K****
(More names)
All victims of those who witnessed.you can say you don't abuse me. But let's just use the word bully instead.

You are a bully(abuser). You bully me MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY  & VERBALLY

Want kind of mother are you to call your own offspring a bitch? You once told me when I was 10 or so that don't any call you a bitch or out your name.

So now you are a bully and a hypocrite.

You are one crazy son of a bitch. You are bipolar and you need help. Serious help. Cam and I were just talking about how fucking crazy you were.  I personally feel like 1. You should've just put me up for adoption or kept your fucking legs closed. You think you wouldn't make that mistake again not once not twice but three times lol.

You told me how you were never happy as a teenager with your hair and shit. But I bet you weren't as suicidal as me :)

See you in hell ❤️

Ok so this seems overly dramatic and now looking at it, I can actually laugh. I was so emotionally disturbed it's laughable.

Obviously this a kind of slam letter to my mother. I really don't know what was going through my head two years ago.

But I'm here now!

Use this as inspiration to keep going, to keep living:).

-
Y'all like memes ?