Letters: A Troyler FanFiction

Chapter 12

Troye's P.O.V.

Cold.

I can feel the lack of warmth that I now associate with Tyler being gone from my side creeping into my skin. I shiver and roll over in my murky half sleep. Cracking my eyelids a tiny bit, I peer trough my spiky eyelashes into the room. Same old plain walls and same old plain machines making a hushed racket in the corner. Everything is the same. Boring. Dull. Especially when Tyler's not here. I roll over again, opening my eyes a bit more and rubbing them with my knuckles. A dull headache throbs behind my eyes when they open to the full light of the room. Groaning, I push myself into a sitting position and flop back onto the fluffy pillows when all my energy is exerted. Stupid leukaemia. Stupid cancer. I hate how it's rendered me nearly helpless. As if people need another reason to baby me.

Speaking of people.

I glance at the clock. So much boring time until Tyler comes.

Then I remember the notebook.

Frantically, I lunge for the bedside table and my fingers find nothing. then they search the cushion of the chair close beside my bed and close around the spiral binding. I yank it off the chair and into my hands, fumbling with the pages until I find the next consecutive letter, dated June 1st, 2014.

__________________________

Hi again, ya twink.

Ty's back.

It's the second day after they out you under. The nurses finally have told me to shut up because I keep talking and talking to you until I have to leave. I guess I'll keep writing now. I actually think I like it more 'cause I can say more stuff to you without them hearing.

God I miss you Troye...

Its hard going home when the doctors finally force me out because everything at the flat reminds me of you. It's hard to wake up without you next to me because I will always remember that you're here instead of at home. You gotta come home, Troye. Sometimes I think the walls can talk because they're so damn loud without your voice to fill up the flat. I feel numb coming to the hospital. Like its still all just a dream. The nurses look at me with pathetic pity because I talk so much to you and come every day that I can, even though I'm sure you can't hear me and I know you can't see me.

I think about silly little things about you sometimes to keep my memory from slipping. Like what it'll be if or when the chemo takes your beautiful hair. They say that it won't, and I hope so. I'll miss your quiff. I'll miss being able to mess it up or run my fingers through it to bother you. I miss your eyes right now. I've always loved them. Their beautiful blue...

...I wish I had more to talk to you about. Oh. I know. Joe, Caspar, Connor, Zoe, and Alfie are coming over to see you cause they love you too.

Speaking of which... I know I never said it. I know now that I should have, with the prospect of losing you becoming so clear to me.

I love you, Troye Sivan.

I love you I love you I love you I love you. There. Now will you come back? Will you get better? You promised me. You wouldn't break your promise to someone who loves you, would you? I'll wait, Troye. I'll wait forever and a day for you to wake up. But you just have to promise me that you will.

I love you, Troye, and I care. I always have. I always will.

I have to go for now.

-Tilly

__________________________

There is new handwriting at the bottom of the page after Tyler's nickname. Someone else's. I squint at it and keep reading.

__________________________

P.S.

Hello Troye. It's Caspar. Tyler asked me to come down and see you, so I did. Um... I really don't know what to say besides that I miss you like everyone else. I already miss doing stupid little collabs with you. I hope you get better soon and come up to make a video with me.

-Caspar

Hey, Troye, honey. It's Zoe. I wish I could've said this more in person instead of now, but you mean so much to me, like a brother. And I have so many questions. How did this happen to you? What have you done to deserve this? I can't even bear to think about the amount of pain your in, Troye. I would take it all away from you in a heartbeat if I could. Wake up and get better soon.

-Zoe<3

Connor here, Troye. I really wish that I would've known sooner so I could've seen you while you were awake. Tyler told us that you were sick, but I never expected this. Does it hurt? Is it nice in the dark? I hope it is. No one wants you to hurt.

-Connor

Hey it's Alfie. Zoe's in hysterics and I miss you so much. Everyone who came does. It was an emotional blow to hear about the leukaemia. It's hard to believe that you could be gone forever, Troye. But that won't happen. Look what you'll be leaving behind. All of your friends and family. Think of us. Think of everyone.

-Alfie

WE ALL LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU

-Tyler

__________________________

My eyes swim with tears by the time I've finished reading. Everything everyone said is so heartfelt and sincere it feels like I'll explode. And to think that I was the one causing their pain. I want to see them immediately and tell them I'm sorry and see every one of them again.

And Tyler.

I never knew that he loved me. It was only friendship, as far as I knew. I never thought that it was actually something more like the shippers and our fans liked to believe. Something inside of me holds onto the hope that he means it, that it wasn't just some spur-of-the-moment thing. My hands tremble and I shake along with them.

I hear the creak of the door. I hear him walking in. I don't look.

"Do you mean it, Tilly?" My voice is thick and I ask before he can say anything about my state.

"What, Troye?" His is confused and worried.

"Do you love me?" I choke out a violent sob. A sob of fear and exhilaration.

He walks toward the bed, silent except for his footsteps and for a moment, I fear the worst. Tyler slides into the bed beside me and wraps his arms carefully around my waist, settling his cheek against mine. I barely hear him whisper.

"Yes, Troye. I love you,"