Letters: A Troyler FanFiction

Chapter 13

June 8th 2014

Hey, Troye.

It's Tilly.

You're still under. But you seem so far away even though your hand is in mine. I wish you could hold mine back, really.

Obviously, we've been separated for longer than these last few weeks before, but this time is so much more different. It's so frustrating.

Last night, I went through your tumblr tag. I really liked the gifs of you smiling with your teeth. It's cute. And the pictures, with your stunning eyes bright against everything else. I'd give anything to see them again. Or to hear you say my nickname, Tilly. Anything. Especially when you're so tired that your beautiful accent is stronger. 

I watched some of your videos too. Even our face painting one. You were always so happy, smiling and laughing.

I also slept in one of your sweaters last night. But I much prefer you in it. The spot on the bed where you slept is a mess, just like you left it. So am I, though, so it doesn't even matter.

I thought you were going to be okay. I thought there was no way you could possibly be this sick. I thought I was helping. I was wrong on a lot of things, and I'm so so sorry.

One of the worst parts of this all, Troye, is the pain that splits through my heart every day. I love you. I mean it. I want you to wake up already so I can tell you because those three words are etched into my brain, and are tearing my heart apart into more pieces every time I see you lying on that stupid hospital bed. You look so exhausted. I know that probably sounds stupid, but really you do.

And the cancer. The stupid cancer. It's kind of ironic. You're slowly destroying yourself. And to pick yourself back up, the doctors have to fill your veins with poison so you can try to catch up with a battle you're slowly losing anyway. I don't get it. Why this has to happen to you.

Sometimes I whisper to you because the idea of you sleeping is just barely enough. Enough for me not to completely lose it. I love you too much to do that though. I know you wouldn't want that.

So instead, when I hold your hand, I think about how we would just lay together, whenever we would go on tumblr or watch movies. With my arm around your shoulders so that your head rested in the crook of my neck while I played with your hair. My best memories are of you, you know. You're my dream. But without you I always have nightmares, horrible ones. All about losing you. I can't let that happen though. We even made a promise.

But some are made to be broken.

I know that sometimes you don't always feel confident in yourself which makes me really upset. You're perfect. And I want so badly for you to believe me.

Your laugh is perfect.

Your smile.

Your adorable blush when I tease you.

Your intense blue eyes.

Your voice.

You're so beautiful, Troye Sivan.

You're so kind, and generous to everyone you meet, and the genuine love you have for your viewers is amazing.

And your raw talent for everything you do.

Just you.

Troye, do you remember that saying, 'ignorance is bliss?' I know you do, and I thought I'd let you know that every word of that phrase is total bullshit. Because I don't know if you'll be okay, ever. And that's the worst kind of ignorance. And it's certainly not bliss. Let me tell you what is true, though; I should have saved you from the pain that you were drowning in. But I was too busy digging my feet into the sand to notice the waves pulling you under. And every time they did, the tide rose.

This is the last wave, Troye. I'm trying so hard to move my feet out of the sand and into the water before it pulls you under completely. But it might already have. And I'm afraid that you have to get back to the surface on your own while I'm useless, watching you struggle.

Goddammit, Troye, if you can't find your way back, I'll just have to find you myself.

Don't make me.

Troye Sivan, watching you lay there has given me a hell of a lot of time to think. Mostly about us. I'm so in love with you. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, I guess, because loving you is the best feeling there is in this stupid, unfair, cruel world. And I can't thank you enough for letting me, even if it's without you knowing.

Please come back. Please please please I don't want to live in a world where you aren't here to let me love you. I'm begging you.

I'm so sorry I couldn't help. I tried, I tried really hard. Now it's your turn. You can do it, I know you can be strong.

Trust me.

-Tilly