Youtuber One Shots

Let You Down - Smii7y Centric

Genre: Im sad so this is v sad and im sorry, except I'm not bc this is the only thing im good at lmao This is also gonna be very much like a rambling fic. It's meant to be that way to give off the right effects I want people to feel from this fic.

Trigger Warnings: There's lots of discussion of depression and anxiety, as well as a small suicidal undertone, but it's never fully mentioned. Pls do not put yourself through reading this if you are easily triggered by such things. Ily all and do not want to hurt any of u sweet beans. <33333333333333

Summary: Smii7y is just a young sad boy trying his best, but sometimes life is too much and people hate him; at least, that's what he believes. (this is all in third person by smii7y bc no happy endings. Also, this is about to get really deep for me and i hope none of my friends read it bc its probably gonna be v concerning for them to read actual thoughts portrayed in a story that i've actually had. :-))

Pairing: None, v Smii7y-centric with only a few mentions of the others.

Okay honestly, Lucas was fine. He was totally completely fine. He was doing great with YouTube and had finished unpacking in his new house. He was doing fabulous. Well, at least, he wasn't panicking about anything at the moment. His mind, however, was becoming much more unbearable as the time passed. He wasn't aware of the changes in his demeanor as he began recording with the others. His body felt almost fragile, unable to make sudden movements or even speak. He hadn't said a single thing besides a greeting to his viewers and to his friends. That's what he liked to think they were, at least. You know like when you feel sorta out of place and that you don't belong, but they keep you around for some unknown reason? That's how this whole situation felt. Or, well, that's how it felt to him. He wasn't actually that concerned with it. That's a complete lie, by the way. His whole fucking being was terrified of the rejection and abandonment of the people he trusted, and fuck, it would actually break him if something ever happened. Although, he reaaaaaally would never admit to it, at all. It wasn't that he meant to be this way. It all just kinda happened at once and these friends he's made along the way have ended up being the sole reason he hasn't given. He's had multiple chances, but man, he could never do anything to upset any of them and if he did, he'd apologize profusely.

He was certain, though, that the others noticed how quiet he was being. He'd read the comments on his videos, he'd seen the harsh things people said about him and how he didn't deserve the friendships he had. And wow, he sure fuckin agreed with them. Though he's met several of his friends, he's found himself absolutely unworthy of their presence. He's genuinely cried about it, on multiple occasions. He likes to try to convince himself that it isn't true, but it's really hard when you find yourself to be having a panic attack over it every single time you think about it. The intrusive thoughts always seem to put him on edge. No one ever really notices, though. Which, it's really nice, but at the same, he'd at least thought someone maybe would notice when he isolated himself for four days without contacting anyone. He shrugged that one off as the others being busy with their own stuff. He knew they had lives outside of youtube and girlfriends and blah blah blah.... None of that really helped the overwhelming feeling of the idea that he maybe fucked something up and no one actually wanted to talk to him. He probably cried himself to sleep that night, if so, he'd never tell anyone about it. Actually he most likely would if anyone asked. He'd panic and tell the truth, instead of the lie he totally was not thinking of in his head. The whole ordeal definitely didn't suit Lucas, but he didn't have any other options nor did he have some magical abilities to make all of his worries vanish. No one actually knew about his depression or anxiety. He didn't believe it was necessary for any of them to know, even though they probably wouldn't care all that much. As much as he hates assuming things about others, this was something he'd dealt with far too many times to ever actually believe someone would stick around long enough to actually want to be around him and help him get through his issues because they'd maybe understand that it's hard to get through shit on your own. Things don't usually work out like that, so Lucas keeps his feelings to himself, even though he more than happily helps the others when they want to vent or cry or anything. He knows they struggle, too. He'd think that would ease the pain and maybe help him get more comfortable with the facts, but it really doesn't. In fact, he found it to be his motive for not talking about his own troubles with any of them. They all had their own issues and struggles. They felt comfortable talking to him about it, which was far more than Smii7y could've ever anticipated. It terrified him to talk about his own issues, but man, he wish he could at times.

Smit was afraid of letting the others in, to say the least. It wasn't that he didn't trust them or anything with his problems. He just...didn't wanna feel awful every time he got bad again and his friends couldn't handle it. His body shuddered at the thought. There was no way he'd ever allow himself to vent to anyone, really. He hated himself for it, which made it all worse, but man, he couldn't help it. He really couldn't. The idea of going to anyone, even a professional, was absolutely out of the picture. He felt better dealing with it all on his own, but everyone knows just how awful that can end up being. The stress, the anxiety, the pressure... none of it can be handled by just one person, no matter what they believe.It all made sense in Smitty's mind. He could do it, be confident and make it through all these issues by himself. None of that changed the fact that it fucking sucked. As much as he hated the fact that he had a hard time trying to explain himself, he hated letting people down even more. Whenever something came up and he knew he wasn't in the right mindset for it, he tried so hard to be there because he was aware of the others excitement over it all. He found it difficult to allow himself the satisfaction of being excited and happy over new things with content. Sure, he'd give himself some benefit of the doubt, but either way, he knew that some things just weren't meant to be. The idea behind this all was really just from his own self doubt and inability to even believe or accept that the people around him genuinely enjoyed his company. There wasn't much to it in his mind. He just wasn't aware of how this mindset was truly hurting him and those around him. It was especially damaging to him, though. He was never one to actually defend himself on certain things and people were rude or hateful towards him, he'd let it slide. He would mull over the words; allowing them to take over his whole being which would lead him into an anxious wreck as per usual. He was nothing without the protection of others, or at least, that's what he believed.

There was something about the way people, his friends especially, treated him that would almost begin this self doubt. It wasn't that they were particularly mean or misleading to him. They were just being themselves at certain times that wasn't good for the younger male. He had no intention of ever letting anyone around him notice his misfortune when it came to feelings and such. Smii7y became almost closed off during these times, especially when recording with the others. He became unsure of his own words and humor. He constantly worried that whatever he said would be ignored or misunderstood, and often times, it was, but those times continued to add up within him. Sometimes, all he could do was cry. He wouldn't leave his bed for hours, crying until he was too numb or too tired to continue on. These were the times he truly needed someone, yearned for someone to be there. He knew that no one would be there, though. It was always him being left to his own devices, even when he so clearly showed signs of depression or anxious tendencies. He appreciated his friends so greatly, but he was terrified that they didn't appreciate him in the same way. He would never be able to be the person they all thought he was, especially when so much has built up that it seems endless. There's an endless string of stresses he has to worry about that even just sitting down for a few minutes brings him severe panic.

It definitely wasn't always like this, but as time has passed, it all built up on him and now traps him in this state. He wants to be free, wants to be able to open up, but he's terrified. He'd hate to even to bring up something so personal with anyone. It's his own mind that keeps him from doing so. He'd be there for anyone that needed to vent or talk things out, but for some reason, he truly believed no one wanted or needed to be doing that for him. He kept it all bottled up, sealed tightly with a lock and thrown into the depths of a slowly rising well. Nothing was cemented, but he was certain that all of his fears would eventually come true. So on this day, Smitty took a big step.

"I'm sorry that I let you down."

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