"How's life?" she asked
"Shitty" Said with a tone laced with sadness
"Why?" she asked again, trying to get me to explain. If only I can...
"It's just shitty" I said with a firm tone, trying to end the conversation.
"Tell me, why?" stubborn.
"As of now I'm kinda okay" I started trying my best to explain.
"I'm not happy nor sad. "As of now"" air quoting what I said awhile ago.
"But when it's 12,1 or 2am... Something breaks" so did my voice when I said the last word...
"Like, I become an emotional wreck. I don't know why, I don't know how. It just happens." She looked at me with an expression I can quite read, so I continued.
"I mean, maybe I do know but I can't quite put my finger on it. Because of the many problems I'm dealing with right now, I don't even know which of it is the reason of these tears." I didn't even realized that I started crying.
"But since that specific night, something broke. I was trying so hard to show everyone that I'm okay, but after that night... I started crying every night before I go to sleep. I've never been this vulnerable, I mean, I've always been weak. I just hid it for a long time, after that night... I lost my mask." Sadness. I can see it in her eyes. She felt my pain.
"I feel lost. I don't know. I really don't know what to do, what's wrong- I can't even smile anymore, or even laugh. Smile without sadness slowly creeping in or laugh without remembering any of my problems."
"We're here for you" she said while crying.
"I know. I just don't know where I am right now. All I know is that I'm in a dark place."
"You can tell us all your problems, we'll listen"
"I want to tell you guys but I don't know how. I don't know what to say or where to start. I badly want to tell someone but I can't. I want someone to listen. Where do I start? What is my problem? Why am I crying this time?" All these sadness feeling, that I don't even know where it came from.
"Please, don't ask me if I'm okay because I'll never be okay. Don't ask me "how's life" because my life is shitty. Don't ask me if I'm happy because you'll see me smiling and laughing but my depression, it's inside lingering."
-🥀
