The Closet Downstairs

The Truth

     I wake up panting again. I finally was able to go to sleep, but I had another dream. This one was worse.
     I was in a meadow. The long grass was wavy, blowing slightly in the wind. The sun was shining brightly in the blue sky. The sunflowers seemed to smile at the cloudless blue above me. It was just a perfect day. A little girl ran into view, running through the grass and flowers. I instantly recognized who it was: Melissa. She had a flower in her hair and seemed to be gliding through the grass. She looked like an angel. I could feel my blood boiling. She just had to be perfect all the time didn't she? She never messed up, never did anything wrong, and certainly was always beautiful. She skipped through the meadow until she saw another girl sitting about 60 yards away. Even seeing her from the back, I knew exactly who she was. That was me. I suddenly recognized the place. This was a meadow we had a picnic at one summer. When everything went wrong.
     I always had known my dad had a soft spot for Melissa. I'd known that since she was born. But one summer, we had a family picnic. We all ate lunch in the meadow together. But, I made a terrible mistake. I messed up. I didn't mean to... I knew what was coming in the nightmare, but I couldn't stop it. So, I watched in horror as my little sister, who was a toddler at the time, skipped over to me. She was three years old, and I was seven. I watched from a distance as little Melissa ran over and sat next to my child self.
     "Hey Rhiana! Whatcha doin'?"
     "Nothin' much," the older girl said. She didn't look at her younger sister. "Just trying to enjoy the quiet." She had a harsh tone.
     Melissa dug her toe into the dirt. "So, you wanna play a game?"
     Rhiana got a big grin on her face. "Sure! How bout tag?"
     "OK!"
     Rhiana tagged Melissa and scrambled away yelling, "You're it!"
I watched as the two of us ran across the meadow, laughing and giggling with glee. I was faster than her (obviously) and got very far ahead. I ran and ran until I came across a large hole. It was at least four feet deep, probably more. It was just large enough for a small child to fall in. At the time, it seemed like a great idea to make sure she stepped in the hole. Don't ask me why. Now, looking back on it, I hate myself for doing it. I stood right behind it and beckoned to Melissa, who was just catching up. "Come on slow poke!" Melissa gasped for breath. As I watched myself call my little sister to this pit, I saw something else move into he distance. My heart plummeted. There stood my Dad, smiling. I'd never seen my dad smile before. I also never realized at the time that he had watched the whole thing. I tried to scream and tell my younger self to stop but I didn't make a noise. I tried to jump in front of Melissa, but my feet wouldn't budge. Melissa stepped in the hole. I couldn't believe the face I made. My face had the look of pure hatred and revenge. I made that face? That was me? I refused to believe it. I didn't dislike her that much. Then, Melissa's shriek pierced the air. It echoed throughout the meadow, a terrible high pitched shrill. As my young face turned to fear, I couldn't help but look at my dad. His face turned red. His fists clenched and even from this distance, I could see the fire in his eyes. He'd witnessed the whole thing. He'd seen everything. I could only hope he hadn't seen my face earlier.
     My dad sprinted across the meadow as my younger self knelt down next to the hole. I wanted to cry when I saw my little sister. The hole hadn't seemed that big when I pictured it. Eleven feet down was my sister at an odd angle. Her left arm was twisted funny and she was laying at the bottom, all curled up at the bottom. Apparently, the hole had been a little bit bigger than my brilliant seven year old mind had pictured. Then, the scene shifted a little bit. I was now in my little seven year old body. I was kneeling by the hole crying for my sister to get up. Then my dad got there.
     He shoved me to the side and I sprawled onto the grass. His face was full of anger and fear. "Melissa can you hear me? We're going to get you out, understand? Don't panic. I'll get you out!" With that, he slowly climbed in. He could've jumped in, but with my sister all tangled at the bottom, he wasn't going to risk it. I guarantee if it had been me, he would've left me in the hole, let alone be careful not to jump on me. I stared, still stunned by what had just happened. His head appeared and he managed to lay my little sister on the ground. I gasped. Her head was bleeding, and she was covered in sticks, dirt, and scratches. I reached out to grab something out of her hair, but Dad grabbed my hand. "Don't you touch her," his voice was shaking with rage. "Don't you EVER touch her AGAIN!" I was struggling to get loose, but I wasn't expecting him to let go. When he did, I fell to the ground. I squeezed my eyes shut to try and stop the tears from falling down my cheeks when my father's hand came down. His hand smacked my cheek and my cheek screamed in agony. I yelped and huddled in a ball. My cheek burned and seared in pain. I looked at my father's face and whimpered. I saw the exact same look I had given Melissa: a look of pure hatred and contempt. As much as I disliked Melissa, he disliked me more. He always had, and always would. Then, the scene switched.
     I saw Jay, the young toddler from the closet. The woman from the closet was also there, sitting in the grass watching Jay play. Jay was skipping around in the grass, playing with invisible beings. My heart dropped when I saw my dad sitting next to her. He had bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept in weeks and his hair was matted down to his head. He looked like he had gone dumpster diving. His new wife stroked his hair. Dad's face just got more and more tired. "I can't find her," he murmured. "I've looked everywhere and she's just gone."
     "You have us now my love," the woman whispered softly. "Who needs them?"
     "I will find her and make her..." His voice trailed off and he began to slump in the grass.
     "That's it my love," she cooed. "To bed with you. You've had a rough day." My father's head touched the ground and instantly he began to snore. She leaned down to kiss him. I screamed and I heard it echo into the dream. It seemed to stir the grass, shake the ground. The woman turned to me. She had dark brown eyes that bore into my soul. Her long brown hair caressed over her shoulder. Her dark skin blended beautifully with her light makeup. She was gorgeous. "He doesn't want you anymore Rhiana," she said simply. "You hurt his precious gem. Why should he love you? You are evil. You saw for yourself the look on your face. It is all your fault."
     "You don't understand!" I yelled at her. "He's always loved her more! I never did anything before that!" I caught myself. I wasn't going to cry in front of her again. "Why doesn't he want me? What did I do to him?" The woman stared blankly at me for a long moment, trying to figure me out. I watched Jay laughing merrily as she skipped around.
     "Do you see her?" The woman gestured to Jay. "She's innocent. She does as she's told and isn't curious or wanting more. She's perfect." Then she turned to me. "Look at yourself. Why would he want you?"
     I couldn't help it. What if what she was saying was true? Why would he want me? I sobbed into my hands. "You're lying. I don't believe you."
     "Oh I know you believe me," she smiled with mock sadness. "Its your worst fear. You know he doesn't love you, and never has. You know that." She began to walk toward me and I stumbled backwards as she continued. "You know that if it wasn't for you, your family would still be together. One big, happy family - without you."
     "Please stop," I whispered. This thought had run through my head so many times but I always pushed it aside. Someone else saying it to my face was too much.
     "Why? Because you can't bear the truth?" She sneered, her features suddenly terrifying. "He told me the whole story when I met him. He misses them - Melissa, Tyler, Robby, even Gertrude. But, he said the one he couldn't bear to see -"
     "No," I cried. "He wouldn't!"
     " - the one who made him so ferociously frustrated all the time, the annoying, ugly, pathetic child he had been given, the one he hates beyond anything else..." She leaned in close to my face. "...was you." She smirked as I fell to the ground. No, I tried to convince myself. This was a lie. It all was. But deep down, I knew my worst fear was true, and it was now open, exposed. I knew it would now haunt me forever. "I didn't mean to," I said pitifully. "I never meant to -"
     "Of course not honey!" The woman smiled evily. "But no one else knows that. And I'd prefer to keep it that way. I like having a husband who makes good money."
     "You're evil!" I shrieked. "You married him for money! Why? He married my mother for love. You tricked him!"
     "That is not the only reason you brat!" She snapped at me. "My good looks had to be passed on somehow. Someone handsomely stupid would have to have a share in that unfortunately. Don't worry. As soon as I'm done with him, I'll leave him like I found him before - in a bar, mourning, by himself."
     "You monster!" I tried to yell at her, but it came out like a strangled cry. She cackled.
     "Goodbye, Rhiana McConnell. May we meet again. I did enjoy this." She laughed again and the ground below me cracked. It opened into a giant pit. The ground beneath me crumbled and I fell with it, screaming as I fell into a bottomless pit.
     I wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks. My hands are sweaty and I feel clammy all over. My forehead is covered in beads of sweat and I feel dizzy and miserable. I shiver in my bed, hugging my knees. I don't believe it, I don't believe it, I don't believe it. She's a liar, she's fake, it's all make believe. Nothing works. I know the truth. He hates me. Our family broke because of me. If it wasn't for me, they would all be happy together. I push myself up off my bed and let out a shaky breath.
     I let myself remember that day. My dad left me out in the meadow and carried Melissa to the car and drove her to the hospital. She had broken her right arm and leg, and had needed surgery. I don't remember what it was for, but it had sounded serious. My dad never spoke of me in a good way after that. I was always a problem, a burden, a piece of work. He told Melissa terrible things about me, horrible lies. She stayed away from me for a long time. I tried to convince her that I wasn't who he said I was, but she wouldn't listen. Once Robby was born, my dad started to get overwhelmed with things. He couldn't do the things he wanted and felt like he couldn't keep the family together. So, one day he ran off and didn't come back. Mom tried to convince us that he was out working for his job. And everyone just decided to believe. Not me. I knew the truth. But, my dad always said my little sister went through so much pain because of me. She had had tons of pain that I would never know and experience. I was weak, and she was brave. I figured it was a lie. If that was a lie, I could live with this. I would be okay. If not...
     I walk out of my room and see a small shadow scurry across the floor. I cover my mouth to hold in a shriek. I run down the hall, looking in doors, trying my best to ignore the shadow spiders that seem to loom all around me. I have to find her. Finally, I come across her room and see her sleeping pleasantly in her bed; Melissa.
    I slowly approach her, afraid of what I might see. Dad always told me that she had had her entire leg cut open, because of an internal injury I'd caused her to suffer through. He said she had a  robotic leg. I never allowed myself to believe it. He was lying to me, trying to make me feel terrible. She walked, ran even just fine. Now, I was doubting everything. "Please no," I whispered as I approached her. She was so beautiful. I felt a pang of jealousy. Slowly, and carefully, I remove the quilt over her. She was wearing long pajama bottoms. Now that I thought about, she always wore pants. I roll up one pant leg and sigh in relief. It was a regular leg. But, I notice it has no scar on it. There was no scar, meaning the surgery had taken place on her other leg. I hold my breath and slowly roll up the other pant leg. I gasp in horror. Before me was a prosthetic leg. It was cold to the touch. I look for less than a second before turning away. I did this. This was my fault. She lived this way because of me. I roll down her pant legs as quickly as I can, flip the quilt over her, and dash out of the room as Melissa stirs in her bed. How could I have done this? I sob harder than I can ever remember crying before. Why was I such a terrible human being? I reach my room, slam the door a little too hard, and begin to throw a tantrum. I scream into my pillow and then throw it across the room. I fall on the floor and punch it with all my might. I don't care how much noise I'm making. I don't care. I run to the corner of my room, pick up my trail mix, throw it at the door. Unfortunately, I'd left it open. The nuts, raisins, and chocolates fly across the room. I wrap myself in the blanket I found on my bed and curl up in it, making myself such a tight cocoon I can barely breathe. I slowly cry myself back to sleep, trying to disintegrate any thoughts of me being a terrible person. Nothing works or helps. I'm an awful person. No one can change that. No one can fix that.