Trouble

40

The cool air brushed against my skin as I strolled down the road with my mini me by my side as a gust of refreshing spring breeze flushed over me. She was two now and quite naughty. Actually she was well behaved for the most part, just very spoiled and then there were the occasional temper tantrums but that was expected especially at two years old. The main thing is I made sure she had everything she needed plus more. We were doing okay. More than okay actually. Especially considering I was doing everything basically by myself.

I had help obviously from my grandma, Nyah and Kane's family. They were a big help and I couldn't be more grateful. Kaisia was the best thing that had happened to me watching her grow and change in new different ways every day was a sign of Gods grace and work. She was a blessing and I don't know how I would have coped without her. My grandma always used to tell me and it sounded so cliche but the love a mother has for her child Is incomparable. It's nothing like any other kind of love. That made me wonder how and why my own mother didn't have that kind of love for me or dejah.

"Kai are you getting tired? You don't want to go back in your buggy?" I asked looking down at her waddling beside me.

She held onto my finger shaking her head "No. I fine." She replied defiantly.

I think it was safe to say she was an exact half and half of me and Kane. Only, when she done certain facial expressions she favoured one of us more. Like when she smiled she looked more like me but boyyy when she screwed up her face she was the spitting image of her father.

I wished everyday he could've watched her grow and flourish too. Sometimes I'm still in denial about it all.

Especially with Mason gone too.

It all happened in such a short space of time. Kane's funeral was just the saddest thing. I couldn't bring myself to go up and say anything and I felt soo sorry for his Mum. The second child she had lost. A pain no mother should have to go through. I can't begin to imagine how she does it. How she stays strong and perseveres through it all and for that I admired her. His siblings as well... I know how much they're hurting.

The funeral

I woke up realising today had really come. I'm surprised my body was functioning on 43 minutes sleep. This time it wasn't Kaisia keeping me up. I dragged myself out of bed and plodded along to the other side of the bedroom checking on her. I stroked her cheek expecting tears to fall but nothing came. I was pretty sure I had permanently dried my tear ducts out. There wasn't a night where I hadn't cried myself to bed.

I decided not to wake her just yet. She would wake up when she's hungry anyway. Dragging my feet along the floor to the bathroom I cleaned up.  Since I had awaken my phone hadn't stopped going off. I looked in the mirror for a good while chanting words of encouragement to myself in my head. I just needed to get through today. I splashed water on my face which instantly soothed my swollen puffy eyes that felt like they were on fire.

I sighed as I applied a light layer of makeup and lip gloss. I would get dressed after I fed Kai.

As I pulled up to his mothers house my heart sunk as I saw the coffin in the carriage with black horses. I stopped the car gathering my breath. For some reason I didn't expect it to be there. It was all so surreal.
I looked outside at the grey sky as it drizzled down with acid rain.

Outside his house were a large group of people waiting. A dark and sorrowful mummer lingered as I joined everyone with the car seat in my hand carrying kaisia as soon as Jeremiah saw me he embraced me taking the car seat from me. Followed by kadijah, his mum and his oldest sister who I'd never met, Ava. There was a small "parade" as everyone walked to the church following behind the coffin.