Notice me

CHAPTER XII : ANALYSIS

Zoe sat on the cracked dusty grave rose in hand. With black blotches scattered on her cheeks. She could feel the air around her closing in all at once but it was the only place she felt welcomed. After all her mother had meant a great deal to her.

"Something just feels off Grams" GramsThe name felt bitter on her tongue. She didn't want to be crying to a cold skinless corpse covered in dust! She wanted the soft warm hands of her grandmother around her embracing her and telling her she was the best ever version of herself.

"He didn't even glance at me, just slammed the door in my face and walked off " had he been so uncommitted to what she thought they had that he couldn't have cared less what she thought.

She needed time, to think, to focus on what she needed and not what others wanted to shove into her face or so blatantly disregard. It was time she took up the mic and stop waiting for someone else's speech to be over. Rory couldn't see her for what she was and she knew she expected too much from what they had, but it was expected he'd give them a try.

"I literally pined over him for my two years  high school and now I have him I don't know what to do, he doesn't even care. It's like I can read him but I can't" sniffling she continued. " I used to always dream of that friend I could tell every thing and it took so long until I could, but even with her I can't fully express myself" what had she really accomplished in life.

She had the well paying job, decent salary, failed Biology and lost her chance at being a neonatal nurse but now she had the house, the rent, the adult life, something most thrived for only now she desperately wished she could turn back the hands of time and be a child again. A sweet chubby princess who always loved her grandfather considering he was the only father figure she'd ever know and a loving extended family.

"I miss the Sunday dinners, the early morning washing, doing responsible things like mopping because I didn't always get the opportunity to and promise I'd love doing it as a child even though you knew I wouldn't"
By now she could vividly see everything she missed as a child and always bickered about hating. They were only preparing her for the little drops in the bucket.

"I miss never having to worry, I guess at this point your the only one I have to confide in" the truth hurt her most. After all these years  this was the reason she came here. And for the most inconvenient of circumstances.

Had teenage hood taken her by storm, reliving all the most dramatic of moments and turning them on herself. Was she so selfish for wanting to air it all out or was this the other side of her conscience.

She spent way too much time thinking about others that she barely even got time for herself. Maybe this was what she needed.
When Rory left she spent all her time waiting,wondering why he didn't even say goodbye, a small part of her blamed herself. But now she was happy; when he left he took an unwanted part of her and that made her whole.

"When he left it was like the whole world came crashing down, it took some time for me to get to the point in my life where I worried what everyone thought to not giving a damn at all" she sighed in disappointment. "Maybe it was a teen crush but overtime I got to know that even if he wasn't there my world would always keep spinning. I would always be breathing and no one but myself could make my world stop it me, cause if I was gone, I'm gone" the light feeling came back over her heart, and for once a small part of herself was proud.

Rory may have had no idea the impact he left on her but she made sure no one else could make her feel the way he did.

When she was in high school as a freshman he was all she ever noticed, whenever he passed she was the first to notice and the loud dreamy shrieks,fast beating heart, even the incessant jabbering in Dacia's ears; everyone knew what her admiration really was except her.

"Maybe I was too deprived, I acted as if I was older than I was. Had relations older than I was and always ended up reverting back to the good old 'saint' most thought me to be but you... you knew me for who I was and you did everything in your power to help change me for the better"

Her mind flashed back to her first ever break. It was at school and before she even knew it her facade just broke, she was shut in a tight room and the water was leaking in from all corners. Her anxiety and stress caved in, panic for what others would think of any of her secrets cake out or for the worst part what her family would do. She was underperforming and over procrastinating, it all lead up to the point she phoned the closest person to her and just flared it out.

That night she tried to kill herself, the next day she was consulted by everyone seeing as her usual chatty self was diminished and she was back in her antisocial shell. Angry tears came to her eyes when she woke up alive, she even failed to kill herself-but that all turned into physical harm. Hitting herself in the stomach verbally abusing herself and for what!

Half the people she knew then know nothing now. They didn't know how strong she was or how determined her will to survive became.

She came a long way. There was no way in hell she'd go back.

"Tissue?" A suggestive hand brought a clear tissue sheet over her shoulder. The unfamiliar voice persistent.

Turning around she saw a large man in a button up navy shirt, long black coat with matching slacks and old leather combat boots.
She saw the faint glare of light on the dog chain in his clothes but brushed it off. She wasn't the only one who lost someone special.

He was a good Samaritan.

"Thank you" appreciatively she took the paper from his rough hands.

His build was muscular, faded sides with a sort side sweep barely grazing his ear, a silver scar running from his eyelid, giving his brown eye a silver blue tint from the obvious injury. Freckles lightly dusted across his face boldly painting his Roman nose, the thick trimmed beard covered the rest even his rose lips were marred in freckles. He looked dangerous but she knew better than to judge someone by their appearance.

"Beckham" he reached out his hand.

"Zoe" having heard the name somewhere but not able to place it she smiled.

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