"Uhm, Dra. Lazaro." The nurse said and I let her in my office.
"What do you need?" I said.
She went near my table and gave me a cup of coffee.
"May nagpapabigay po."
"Sino?"
"Hindi ko po alam eh. Binigay daw po sa guard kanina, binilin daw na ibigay daw po saiyo."
I looked at the coffee. I smiled a bit. May mga happy memories kasi akong naaalala pag may nakakakita akong kape.
And everytime I pass at any coffee shops, I remember her. Kahit ilang taon na ang nakalipas, I still get hurt everytime I remember how we started then ended. We were so happy but unfortunately... we broke up.
"Thank you."
I said then the nurse left my office.
***
"Hindi naman ako ang assigned sa pasyenteng 'yan eh?"
I complained.
"Ano po kasi, absent si Doctor Reyes ngayon eh. Tapos, yung patient niya, malubha yung sakit. The patient is now experiencing the pain attack. We need you there Dra. Lazaro."
She worriedly said.
We hurriedly went to the room of the patient. The nurse injected the syringe to stop the pain that the patient is feeling.
Sa unang tingin mo lang sa pasyente ay maaawa ka na. Babae ito na sobrang payat at halos nakadikit na ang balat sa kanyang buto.
"Anong sakit?" Tanong ko sa nurse.
"Cancer, stage 3."
Tumayo lang muna ko and stared at the patient.
She looks familiar.
"Doc, I don't want my daughter to suffer like this." This is probabbly the mother of the patient.
The nurse talked to me that her mother wants to sign the paper. She doesn't want her daughter to suffer like this anymore.
Madaming tubes, machines ang nakasaksak sa body niya. Nahuli kong nakatingin ito saakin at nang magkatitigan kami ay bigla na lamang siyang ngumiti saakin. Hindi ko ma determine kung ngiti ba iyon na sa saya or ngiti na nasasaktan.
Tinalikuran ko na siya at may mga kinuha lang na mga gamit sa may gilid na kakailanganin ko.
Habang may kinuha akong gamit ay narinig ko ang nakapagpa kirot sa puso na mga salita galing sakanya,
"Ang sakit na mama, patayin niyo nalang ako."
It breaks my heart pag may na eencounter akong mga ganito.
The paper I was talking about, asks for something you would not even know how to give. It's like a contract that has my affixed signature.
The mother signed this paper,
'To end her suffering daughter's life.'
I just asked the mother to give us the consent to put all the tubes and machines connected to her ailing daughter away.
I asked her if I could end her daughter's life, if I could just kill her.
She already signed the paper. Sabi niya, it would be the best;it would end everyone's suffering especially her daughter's.
While I was holding the syringe to be injected, the first step of euthanasia, I could not help but to be nervous.
With all the courage I can summon, I injected it to her.
It was followed by the deafening sound of the monitor na sinasabi saakin na her heart already stopped beating.
Pero do you know what's more deafening? It was her family's silent cries.
After those scenes, I left their room. Hindi ko kinakaya ang emosyon sa loob.
Ewan ko pero naiinis ako sa sarili ko. I am a doctor with specialization in internal medicine and I have earned my degree in the best school in the country and have passed the examination with flying colors. But what am I doing?
I just ended someone else's life when I should be curing them.
Sabi nga ng ibang co-doctors ko, "That's life; it really has to end."
At sabi din ng iba, everything happens for a reason. But isn't it that we just find reason for everything that happens to justify it?
Fuck Euthanasia.
Euthanasia means good death. It refers to the practice of intentionally ending a life in order to relieve pain and suffering at tsaka legal na to sa country natin.
Napasandal ako sa may pinto ng kwarto ng pasyente at napahinga ng malalim. Papasok na ulit sana ako sa kwarto pero napatigil ako dahil sa nakita ko sa may pinto.
Nakasulat kasi roon ang pangalan ng pasyente. Tumulo na nang isa isa ang mga luha ko galing sa aking mga mata.
Patient: Alyssa Valdez
Doctor: Mr. Jim Reyes
Agad akong pumasok sa loob ng room at tuloy tuloy na at bumuhos na ang mga luha ko.
"Babe.."
I whispered.
Tinignan ko ang nanay at pamilya niya. Lalo nalamang akong napaiyak. Naalala ko pa nung kami pa na dapat ipapakilala niya na ako sa pamilya niya kaso hindi natuloy nang dahil sa wala na kami.
Nilapitan ko ang pamilya niya at niyakap ang ina niya, halata sa kanilang mga mukha ang pagtataka ngunit hindi ko na iyon pinansin.
"I'm sorry po. I'm so sorry."
Humahagolgol na sabi ko.
"I-ikaw b-ba si.... Denden Lazaro na m-mahal ng anak k-ko?"
Nauutal na sabi ng ina nito. Tumango lamang ako habang tumutulo padin ang mga luha ko. Lalong lumakas ang iyak ng ina at niyakap pa ako nang napakahigpit.
"Wag kang mag s-sorry, anak. Mabuti na iyan p-para... makapagpahinga na siya."
No, babe. No. No. No!! Hindi ko kaya!! This is the worst fucking thing that I did. Pinatay ko siya.
I killed my love.
--
