Chasing the End

one

Photo of Mary-Kate's outfit on the side

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My mom thought I had shrunk into my own dark hole. I didn't talk to anyone, and I didn't even try to eat. That was only because my mom was making me eat vegan foods all week. It was supposed to be good for my bones.

My bones were very fragile and weak. I could easily break a bone and it had put my life in danger. I was diagnosed with Ewing's sarcoma, a cancer that cause a tumor to grow in my pelvis bone, when I was fourteen years old. That had consisted of eating foods that were supposed to strengthen my bones, a shorter way to say it is that I had to drink a ton of milk a day. That would explain why I was so tall.

I remember when I was fifteen and my hair fell out, a side effect of the chemotherapy. I tried not to let it affect my life so drastically. I didn't want to become depressed and think about the fact that I was going to die and it could've been any minute. I tried to live a normal life as a normal girl. I did, but I never made any friends, nobody wanted to be friends with a cancer patient. I didn't blame them, if anyone got close to me they had to prepare to lose me.

Every week I would go to see my doctor, Dr. Smith. She had been there with me since I was diagnosed, so she was like a second mother.

I can never forget my visit to her when I was seventeen.

"Her lungs and her heart are impaired," she said.

"What does this mean? Is she going to live?" My dad bombarded her with questions.

"Calm down, this is just part of the long-term effects of treatment."

"This isn't normal, my daughter is dying!" my mother exploded.

That usually happened when my parents got bad news. My mom would freak out and I would just sit there with my head hanging low, not being able to say anything. I was dying and I couldn't do anything about it other than fight.

"I need you to fight as hard as you can for me because I can't lose you," my mom said.

She would tell me to fight every day. That only made it harder for me to be able to live like a normal kid and not worry about my cancer.

Since then, I had to have a tube that would help me breath under my nose. Sadly, I had to carry around a large oxygen tank around with me in a backpack that was on wheels.

It was during the summer when my mom actually decided to do something about my "depression." She sent me to a summer camp for peacemaking and having loads of fun! Basically she sent me to a camp for hippies.

"Do I still have to go?" I asked as my mom and I sat in the car outside of the camp.

"Yes, don't worry you'll have fun," she replied. "Maybe you'll make some friends."

"I'm not good at making friends."

"Maybe you'll get better at making friends. I'm doing this for you."

I sighed and picked up my bag from the floor of the car - which had my oxygen tank in it - and opened the car door before stepping out, with my backpack on my shoulders. (She has a backpack on her shoulders and she also has one on wheels with her tank in it).

"Hey!" my mom called as I started to walk towards the camp.

I turned around and my mom had rolled down her window and a smile was played on her lips.

"I love you once, I love you twice, I love you more than..."

"Beans and rice," I mumbled, embarrassed that my mom was doing this here.

I quickly turned back around and speed walked to the camp. I wasn't too fond of the idea of having to be outdoors all day. My life used to be several pills a day, America's next top model, and pizza on the couch. Now, I have to go out and be social with people I barely even know. It's a lot harder than it sounds. Especially if you're like me.

The first thing we would do is sit in a circle around an unlit campfire first thing in the morning. We would tell each other anything really. How we were feeling, what was going on at home; everyone seemed genuinely interested while I on the other hand was picking at my nails that were painted black.

"Mary-Kate, why don't you introduce yourself to everyone?" Leo, our counselor, said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Um, I'm Mary- Kate. Everyone calls me Kate, I'm eighteen."

"What do you feel right now?" Leo asked.

"I feel," I started. "Tired."

I told them I was tired, but not the way they thought I was. I was tired of everything. I was tired of the treatment, having to carry a fucking tank around with me everywhere I went, and being scared of everything.

I was just tired.

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of bed this morning?"

"Something like that."

That's how it usually went. We would get into a circle and talk, play some peacemaking games, and get back in a circle; then we would go home. It was a pretty basic camp. We didn't go on hikes or go swimming in a pond. We just do a bunch of activities that help us build community and trust each other. Typical hippies.

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Sorry it's so short it's really late and I need to get some sleep. As you can see, this story is kind of like the fault in our stars. I imagine Kate being played by Miley Cyrus with her short blonde hair. (Photo of her outfit and who plays her on the side)