Chasing the End

three

Death is probably one of my biggest fears. I think about it all the time sadly. It just can't seem to leave my mind. Why? That, I don't know the answer to. Everyone has a certain thing that they think about all the time. Mine just happens to be death. This is why my mom thinks I'm depressed. It's hard to be dying when death is your biggest fear. Just imagine going to bed at night knowing that you might not see tomorrow, it's devastating. All I can think about is the end. Every day the end gets closer and closer and everyone has to accept the fact that it's going to get to you. I've accepted it, only because for me the end is a lot closer.

I thought it was the end when I was getting gas.

My mom trusted me to go to the gas station to get myself a snack on the way home. I usually don't get gas for the car because the fumes are a lot for me to handle. But I was just so fed up with my mom hovering over me that I just wanted to prove to her that nothing bad was going to happen.

When I pump the gas pump into the car, I had this burning sensation in my lungs. It felt as if someone took my lungs into their hands and was squeezing the air out slowly. I took deep breaths to calm my breathing but that only made it harder for me to breathe.

I fell to the ground; it was so painful I could barely even stand. On my hands and knees, I laid down on my back and I could feel the tears threatening to spill. This is the end, was all I could think.

"Miss, are you okay?"

A young blonde boy who I, to this day, still don't know the name of kneeled down next to me and shook me lightly.

I fisted his shirt between my fingers and pulled him down so he could hear me. "Get my phone," I ordered, gasping after each word.

He searched all my pockets until he finally found my phone. "Who should I call?"

I didn't want my parents to come and get me. It killed me to see my mother cry more than it killed me when I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even believe my own words when I breathed out an answer.

"Rider."

The rest of what happened was pretty much a blur. All I could hear was Rider yelling at me, telling me to hold on. It surprised me how much he cared for his friends. Even if he only knew them for a day, he would still care so much for them. He cherishes his friends as much as I cherish my life.

I wanted to tell him that I'm fine, that nothing bad was going to happen. But I didn't even know if that was true. I didn't know if I was going to survive. This happened all the time, I have "asthma attack" like breathing problems. Sometimes it happens when my lungs fill with fluid, or when I'm just around a smell that is too strong.

During the whole car ride I just sat limp in the passenger seat like a vegetable. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, and I couldn't breathe.

When we got to the hospital, it felt like everything was going in slow motion, Rider carrying me to the front doors, him yelling at the nurse to help me. It was all just so much for me to handle.

"I'm sorry sir, but you need to wait," the nurse said.

"I don't want to fucking wait, she can't breathe!"

I took the energy that was left in me and reached across the front desk and pulled myself closer to the nurse who wasn't helping at all.

"Call Dr. Smith and tell her that Mary-Kate is having one of her attacks again," I gasped.

Rider pulled me back into his arms and I rested my head against his chest. I remember how fast his heart beat was. My god was it fast. I had never heard anyone's heart beat go that fast. He was worried, he cared.

The nurse came to her senses and called Dr. Smith. But, Dr. Smith called my parents; she had to call someone part of my family.

I was too scared to see my parent's reaction; it was the same every time. My mom would cry and my dad would have a meltdown in the bathroom. They always expected the worst when they took me to the hospital.

"Just give her some time to rest you guys can come back in the morning," Dr. Smith told my parents.

Everyone was out of the room and I was finally able to think about what hell had just happened. I could never really take it all in at once. It was just so much for a person to handle.

Just as I was slowly about to fall asleep, the door opened. It was Rider. He had a look of grief and when he saw me, he looked like he could never have been happier.

"Hey," he breathed.

I smiled a pathetic smile. "Hey."

He pulled up a chair next to my bed and took a seat, as well as my hand into his large warm one. I closed my eyes at the pure jubilation of his touch. I knew just then and there that I was falling for a boy I had met just a week before.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

I smiled at his question and squeezed his hand to make it clear that I was fine.

"You're really beautiful you know?" he commented.

"Don't do that," I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't make me fall for you; it's not a good thing."

"Why not?"

"Don't you see why Rider? One day this going to kill me. And everything that falls gets broken and I don't want to see you broken."

"But I would break any day if that meant that I got to be with you."

Everything he did literally drove me insane. His words, his jokes, even the way he walked. It should be illegal to be as perfect as he was.

"And you're not just beautiful physically," he added.

"How so?" I smiled once again.

It was amazing how quick he was to make a situation ten times better. "Everything you do is beautiful. Everything you say, the way you smile, and especially the way you fight so hard for your life."

"Well, you only live once and I don't want my only life to be as long as eighteen years."

"See, you did it again. Your fucking beautiful words of wisdom are really getting to me."

I laughed and looked down at our hands that are still intertwined.

I had never had a friend before. And I was glad that Rider was the first one, he was everything anyone wanted. He was funny, encouraging, and he made everything better. No matter how bad the situation was.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Mary-Kate?"

"No, I mean your full name."

"Oh, Mary-Kate Walker."

"Your name is beautiful too," he muttered. "Rider Alexander."

"Yours is okay," I joked.

"Oh shut up Mary-Kate Walker."

________

This chapter almost made me cry. I didn't realize that I quoted the Fault in Our Stars until now. But Kate and Rider are so freaking cute it's inhumane. Anyway, there will always be photo on the side for what she's wearing, expect for the last part she was in a hospital gown, but whatever.