Networked ➳ z.m [au]

chapter 5

"Why are you both so quiet?" I munch on a lettuce leaf as I glance in between Niall and Paige.

They have been quiet all day and it's not like they're mad at me, but it just seems like they are hiding something they don't want me to know about and it's bugging me senseless.

Yesterday wasn't the best day for me, but ever since my short chat with M last night, my morning had been brighter. He had that effect on me I guess, and I couldn't stop smiling. But I sure did look like a goofy idiot when Niall or Paige won't even turn the corners of their mouths up.

"I don't think you'd want to know..." Paige mumbles quietly after sharing a similar look at Niall.

"Come on guys, just tell me," I look in between them.

"Paige is right, Claire," Niall says.

"Well of course you would agree with your freaking girlfriend," I roll my eyes and stick a small tomato in my mouth. I normally hated salad, but I guess M had me not even caring what it was I was eating, like it didn't matter.

Niall sighs and combs his fingers through his hair before sharing a look with Paige again.

"It's about Zayn," he begins and I feel my heart rate increase.

I hadn't exactly been discussing Zayn at all today and him rejecting me even though he told me it was complicated, decreases a piece of my happiness.

I take a gulp.

"He..." Niall starts but Paige finishes for him.

"He's not ready for a relationship any time soon," she says so quietly, waiting for my reaction.

"Of course he'd say that after he tried to kiss me, but moved away," I mumble.

"He's a jerk, that's what he is!" Paige huffs, turning to give a dirty look to Zayn's table but she just reminds me of the most innocent person i know, and she probably is now that i think about it.

"I don't think I've ever even seen him with a girl before," Niall says, "maybe he's gay,"

I almost laugh.

"Zayn is not gay," I shake my head, "but thank you guys for defending me,"

"That's what friends are for," Paige partially smiles at me.

"Is that what you guys were so quiet about?"

"Well, we'd thought you'd take it much worse," Paige scrunches her nose.

"No, I'm fine," I say.

I'm not fine at all actually. I had really looked forward to getting closer with Zayn, especially after knowing him for all these years. I guess he wasn't looking forward to anything with me or anyone and I guess I should just stick to chatting with M, like the pathetic loser I am. Or maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe Paige was right. Maybe I am just as crazy to do this whole online dating thing.

-

Days pass and I cant bring myself to speak to neither Zayn nor M. I don't know why, but I ignore the two and I pretty much slump around for the remainder of the week, until it is Saturday and I am helplessly laying on my bed motionless. Paige has tried calling lately but I simply don't feel like talking, and she should know why. I guess she had been right not to tell me about Zayn not wanting to have a relationship in the first place. It seems like everything has been piling on top of one thing after another.

The fact that M and I will more than likely never meet in person is getting to me because I had really started to develop strong feelings for him, just like he was for me. I didn't know what he looked like, where he was...heck, I didn't even know if M was his real name. He didn't know that C wasn't mine either.

Zayn was confusing me at all times and honestly it hurt me a lot since I have known him for the majority of my childhood. We start to finally connect the year before high school is over, and he tries to freaking kiss me but pulls away. Then he goes and tells people that he doesn't want any sort of relationship any time soon. Or ever even.

Everything had just balled up inside of me and I have no idea how to cope with any of it.

-

"What do you want, Jason?" I snap at my brother as he opens my bedroom door without knocking like he always does.

"What's wrong?" he asks me.

"Do you really care or did someone pay you to?" I ask him in monotone.

He laughs a little bit, "Actually mom asked me to check why you were moping around lately,"

I roll my eyes.

"No reason, now go away,"

I hear the door shut but when I sit up from my bed, Jason hasn't left and instead he is stepping forward to sit at the edge of my mattress.

"Okay, just tell me what's up," he says more seriously.

I sigh. Is it that obvious that something is wrong?

"It's just that...i'm confused. I've liked this one guy in real life for the longest but we have been so distant to each other. On the other hand, I like this other guy...a lot, but for all I know, we could be thousands of miles away," I shake my head.

Why am I telling my fourteen year old brother this anyway?

"A thousand miles away?" he looks confused.

"It's an online dating thing," I say.

"Ah, I see," he nods.

"I just don't know what to do," I shake my head, knowing that I am leaving out the most important details like the fact that Zayn had almost kissed me, or the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship any time soon. But he didn't need to know that.

"Go with your heart," he says and I snap my head up.

"Are you my brother talking like this or has some alien taken over your body?" I joke.

He laughs and nudges my shoulder, "Shutup, I may be a douche at times, but I am still your brother and I can give you advice,"

I chuckle, "Right, because I definitely am going to learn a life lesson from a fourteen year old,"

"Hey, you never know." he shrugs and stands up.

I think about his words for a while after he is already long and gone out of my room.

Using a pillow to hug, I replay his words in my head.

Go with your heart

What if I don't know what my heart wants? Then what?

Should I keep chasing Zayn although he isn't looking forward to anything with me and continue to be tortured because of how badly I like him?

Or should I continue to interfere with M and fall in love with a person that I could be thousands or even millions of miles away from?

The moment I know what my heart wants is when I grab the laptop under my bed and begin to type on the keyboard to the one person who makes me smile no matter what.

cupcakeswirl12: hey M, we need to talk

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Don't worry! M and Claire will meet soon, i promise!

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