Lie Until You Laugh

43- Fixing Things

I don’t know what to do. I’m mad but I’m also not that mad anymore. I don’t know if I should really call him or just go to sleep because I don’t know what’s going through my head.

I’m upset that he didn’t tell me about Lacy because I feel like if he’s over it then he would have told me about it. He told me about Elizabeth so why couldn’t he tell me about Lacy as well? Maybe it’s just because he didn’t want me to worry like I am now because Lacy is so close to us. Maybe nothing is going on at all, he was just worried about me feeling self-conscious about their history and her presence. Maybe I’m just worrying too much about nothing at all.

But that’s not the only reason that I’m upset. I’m also upset that he went to Lacy instead of me when he had a family issue but as he’s said a few times now, he did it to protect me. It’s dumb that he thinks that he has to protect me but I guess it’s sweet of him. If he’s telling the truth then that means that he wasn’t confiding in Lacy because he trusts her more… I don’t think.

If Stella was here, I’d ask her for her opinion, but she’s with Andrew and she probably won’t be back in the dorm until around ten and it’s only seven so that’s obviously not a choice. I have to be a big girl and make this decision on my own so I lay down on my bed (it took a lot of effort to get up there with one sore ankle) and try to decide on what I should do. I told Penn that I’d call him, so I should do that because I feel like if I don’t then he’ll worry and I don’t want him to worry.

I also feel like if I tell him that I forgive him over the phone then it won’t be very special. I mean, maybe a declaration of forgiveness shouldn’t be special but I just don’t think it’d be right to say it over the phone. Before I decide on how I’m going to talk to him, I should probably decide if I actually do forgive him now or not.

I sure as hell do not want to lose him because he… I mean, he just makes everything easier. I love him so much and no matter what, I just don’t want to lose him. That’s the bottom line here.

I trust Penn with my life so obviously, I’ll believe him when he tells me that nothing’s going on with Lacy. I should believe that, right? Why wouldn’t I? He loves me and I know that. He says it all of the time and I know that he’s telling the truth. Okay, so yes, I forgive him now because I’m sure that I’ve overreacted about it all due to my lack of self-esteem.

But like I said, I don’t want to just call him because I feel like I should explain myself and we can just talk everything out. I just want to talk to Penn without yelling or snapping at each other and then I’m sure everything will be back to normal.

It takes me a good ten minutes to find a way to get down the latter of my top bunk without hurting my ankle and it ends in me bruising my elbow but I eventually get back down on the ground and I grab my crutches and walk out the door. All the way to Penn’s dorm, I’m trying to think of what I’m going to say to Penn when I knock on his door.

However, even when I get to his door and I’m knocking on it, I still don’t know what I’m going to say and when he opens the door in front of me, I’m actually at a loss for words. He looks at me for a while, waiting for me to speak but I can’t think of what it was that I needed to say.

“Are you okay?” Penn wonders after a minute of me just stupidly standing there.

I nod. “Yeah. I, uh, I just wanted to talk.”

“Good,” He sighs, stepping aside so that I can come into his room. “Do you want to start then?”

“You can go first if you want,” I assure him. He shuts the door behind me and I sit on the edge of his bed with my crutches propped up on the wall beside me.