Can I?

One Day

One Day

What about love? What about our promises? You said that one day you would be on your knees with our ties of love. Now it seems like I am on my knees begging for you to come back. But you don’t see me crying. You don’t feel my pain. You don’t see my tears. You don’t hear my sobs. You don’t love me with your heart. How did you do that? How did you lie through that charming smile of yours? How do you live with the guilt that you pushed me beyond my limit? You crossed the line with that cancer curing smile and extended your hand saying that you would never leave me. I hesitated but went along-you promised after all. We had the best time. And I ran ahead getting excited but by the time I looked over my shoulder you were gone. I had gone too far. Too far into a relationship. So you left me stranded on the island of insolation in a sea of desperation.  I thought you would come back so I started making myself comfortable on the island. But how can one be exuberant when in their hearts they know that their loved one would never come back? I would sit on the cold sand at night and the only light that shone was the stars and the moon. Being awake in the burning sun was horrific because there was no where there to bear through the pain with me. But I believe the nights were worse. Because I would drift off into the security of my heart and mind and I would find you there. I would find you in the soft tides of the ocean and see your eyes in the stars. I didn’t need to see or hear to know that I thought of you every second of the day. Yet I knew deep inside that you were never coming back. It was if I was trying to keep off the storm. And every hour, every minute every second it just got bigger and bigger just like the hole in my heart you left me with.

            I set sail as soon as I saw the storm of despair. I was the captain of a sinking ship that was going to drown me at any second. I was the sailor of a dying hope that flickered and died like a wet match. I was the cook that was feeding my starve of love with the food for lonely. So I ask you this now. Did you ever come back and try to find me? Did you get lost yourself but still vow to return? But that’s a question with the hurting answer that I am already aware of. For when I finally returned I found you crossing that line again. Except it was not to cross to get me out, it was a cross to get some else in. I stared at you from my boat and the heavy weights of despair rolled on me. The storm had finally caught up. So here I am, forever in the middle of a hurricane that is never ending still praying for you to turn around.  But I know you won’t return for me. Who would want to venture off into the middle of a storm? Who would want to get tossed around, have depression pelt on their back and pity sting at their eyes, have betrayal impale them with her icy glares and have their wings of freedom clipped off from the rusted chains of isolation? Not you, for sure. So here I am, fueling this monster of a storm with my own emotions. It would swirl and block all sides, never allowing for the glimpse of sunshine on the outside. For a while I had to believe that there was no sunshine on the other side. I had convinced my mad self that it was better on the inside and I feigned to be content with being imprisoned on the inside.

            Did you ever look back and regret this? Did you regret leaving me or letting those kind words leave your lips? Did you ever wish that you never left me or never met you? Because if I had the chance to never meet you I am afraid I would have never had picked that option. I am afraid that my love for you is just my fear to let go and realize that it was never meant to be. I am afraid that you will just forget me while I will always remember you. I am afraid you barely even have a scratch while I have scars. I am afraid that if I ever escape from this storm that I will find nothing worth my while and be just a hollowed version of the person I used to be. Now here I am, finally calmed down and letting go. But that is risky too. Because if I let go I know that a part of me will be let go also and be lost in the storm. Yet I do it anyway because your memory haunts me. It acts as if it was a parasite and it feasts on my soul while drugging me. So here I am, letting go. I am letting go of you. The storm breaks free and once again I see you. You are once again crossing the line, stretching you hand out comfortingly to another girl. But as soon as your eyes connect to mine you stop and stare. Not because of the mess I am or the fact that I escaped the storm. But you see that I care naught for you. You were the past and the past is behind me. You blink before trying to convince the girl to cross the line to the ocean but she knows that you are not what you say you were. In my mind I imagined you running back to me and going on your knees. And you were too but I turned around and put you behind me. You tore my heart into splinters of shattered glass when I left nothing in your heart. You filled my head with daydreams while you kept being awake. So here I am, saying goodbye properly. Because unlike you, I believe a goodbye is needed. Saying goodbye and thank you. You know why? Because I can. Because I am alive and breathing and because I am more beautiful than ever. So thank you for tricking me, lying to me, and hurting me. Because you only hit the shell of the person who I used to be. But now I am more of what I used to be. So I thank you. One day you will look back and realize that I am the one that had managed to steal your heart. But one day when I look back I won’t see you. I will see the island’s sunsets, the dolphins twirling in the water, and the sun that washed over me in brilliant hues of gold when I emerged from not the storm but of my cocoon.