You miss the little things when you lost someone
little things.
smile.
I have lost count of all the I love you's, I miss you's, and other phrases that I could muster just to convince her to come back.
Every time I shut my eyes, I see her and then all the memories of us would overwhelm me like it was just yesterday - we held each other's hands, our bodies intertwined under the sheets, my lips were tangled with hers. All at once, never in pieces. It's ironic how something so good can cause so much pain. I want it back. I want her back. But fuck it, no matter what I'll do I can't.
We migrated here in California to start fresh, to get married, to create our own family. It was indeed a lush beginning of our new life, yet I didn't know it would end like this. We had so much plans for the future - adoption, launching a business and traveling the world. However, those were now taken far far away now that she's not with me.
I entered the bar closest to our home, and requested for the usual bottle of vodka to get me through another night of torture.
"Still hurts, huh?"
The bartender, Bambam, would ask me that once I have settled myself in front of him. I would sigh and nod to respond to his question. He's a nice guy - always respecting my privacy since day one. I ended up slowly opening up myself to him as we counted the my single days together. It actually helps ease some pain knowing that someone understands what I'm going through. We were really odd friends I could say because as far as I'm aware, our personalities are way different.
"Day 365, lisa," he stated, sadness somehow evident in his voice
"And counting," I continued as I poured liquor into my shot glass.
I immediately downed one, wincing as I felt the familiar sting scratch my throat.
"So what are you going to say today? I miss you. Please come back? Or I love you so much and I can't take it anymore.
"Geez, Bams. You're being annoying."
He laughed briefly, trying to lighten up the mood. He patted my back before proceeding to the kitchen to slip my order in.
Yes, it has been exactly a year since I've lost the love of my life and I haven't gotten over. I've left voicemails after voicemails hoping that she's respond, but 365 days have passed and there was still nothing.
I drank a couple more shots while browsing through our photos on my phone. I focused on her face and memorized her smile and found myself intoxicated to it more than anything else.
"Oh, Jennie. When am I going to see you again?" I asked quietly while shaking my head.
She's the girl who represented my worst regret because I had her and I ask myself how could I've ever let this happen to us. I don't know if I'm crazy in love, but I would trade a thousand days to have another one with her. That's how much I'm willing to give up just to have her back, but as I've said, I can't.
My head was lightly buzzing when Bambam went back with my nachos and wings. Always the perfect pair and I've always eaten it with Jennie.
I personally cook for her especially on Sunday afternoons - we'd visit the park and enjoy the serene environment while eating our favorite snack. Yet now, I'm in a bar, drinking face to face with my always sober bartender friend, pouring my heart out over a girl who I've lost for a year, munching nachos and wings and pairing it with a bottle of vodka.
"I'm sure you're dying to leave a message. By all means, go ahead," he mumbled nonchalantly like it was so natural of him to support me in my stupidity.
I appreciate his understanding though. My other friends would take my phone away so I wouldn't look dumb in front of other people for begging someone to come back. The thing is, how are you going to help someone move on when they don't even want to?
I can't move on because I don't want to move on. It's hard to do that when there is so much to remember and there is so much love left for her.
Then I ask myself, how do I unlove someone like her? Is it ever possible to love so hard and abruptly stop? Is it possible to forget someone just by closing the eyes? Will she pick me up after I stumble for the 365th time on our doorstep? Will I get the answers to all of my questions after I finish this bottle?
I dialed her number, but it went straight to her voicemail.
"Hey, it's Jendeukiee! Probably busy so leave me a message".A hundred heartbeats. A rush of heat. A fire igniting.
She had a lasting effect on me. I've been listening to her lovely voice and it sounds sweeter when I'm drunk. I want her to pull me into her embrace like before when I arrive home wasted. I want her to whisper I love you's before I pass out. I want to wake up and see her face the first thing in the morning. But I could only want those so much.
"Hello, Jen. I know I've flooded you with the things I should have said before. But please, let me. It hurts so much. I-i'm trying my best to move on, but I still love you. I always will".
I took another shot to numb the aching on my chest. Tears were starting well up in the corner of my eyes. I dialed her number again to hear her voice.
"It's me again. I don't think I can stop leaving you messages. I don't think I can forget about you. Come back to me, Jen. Please tell me its not real ."
"Man, I wish I could help," Bambam interjected after I terminated the call.
I smiled bitterly and told him he helped me enough. My miserable life was bearable with him around.
"Can you say it again, please? Say you love me again. I'll do everything. Come back to me . I miss you so much and it hurts me all the time , Jen."
"Should I call a taxi for you?" He asked worriedly.
I met his eyes and looked at him blankly. Then he knew the answer."Okay after the last one," he added.
"It's me, Jen. I'm in the bar still waiting for you to come and pick me up. It's been 365 days and you haven't arrived."
"Will she ever pick up?"
Bambam took the bill on the countertop and cleared the mess. Answering that question was his hatest part, but he knows he has to do it until his friend decides to move on.
If she doesn't, then he won't stop too. Keeping her alive was the most important part because for sure the tall and drunk girl had already thought about shutting all the pain away.
"No, lisa. She won't because she's dead."
