My Favorite Songs and Why

Cancer

let's start of easy.

This is ny favorite MCR song. First EVER MCR song that I have ever listened to.

BackStory:
First Week of June,
Me and my sister was called by our mom. She told us that our nanny of 37 years (way before we were born) who we didnt see in months has stage 4 lung cancer and will only have 3-6 months to live.

I listened to the twenty one pilots cover then went for the original. I never cried so hard listening to any song.

This song gave me hope. Hope that she'll somehow survive. That she is still fighting. She died on December 3, 2017. It was the worst Christmas I have ever had.

Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
This reminded me of all the times I didnt help her.

Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colors
My sisters and my brothers, still
This is way more painful now because I saw my grandparents getting her things from her old room. I didnt want to look or touch them.

I will not kiss you
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
Kissing someone in the cheek as a greeting is what a lot of people do. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her for long when i saw her for the first time in half a year.

Now turn away
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body
All my agony
Know that I will never marry
Baby I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
I can't imagine the pain. I never got to see her. Ever since April 2017, i only saw her once.

It just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)

Good-bye today (good-bye today)
I'd ask you to be true (I'd ask you to be true)
I never wanted to think that she's gone. I'm sure my heart is in denial. I don't like thinking about it.

'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you

'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
You have no idea how heartrenching it was to hear my mom tell us that we'll never see her ever again. From when she was moved back to her home province and to her death. I couldn't.

~~~

It was the beginning of July, she sent me a text via Messenger.
July 6:
"Malapit n birth day m"
She couldn't type properly. It was supposed to Malapit na birthday mo, meaning Your birthday is close already. She was the first one to acknowledge my birthday was coming. She greeted me 2 days late on August 1 though. It's fine.

~~~

It was the weekend of her birthday, she was walking through our house for the last time. My grand dad gave a cain. She talked about when we were little, she would like slouch a bit and we would joke about her being a grandma. She said it around 3 times that day, I felt like crying each time.

~~~

August 22
She sent me pictures of her. She was so thin. I felt so awful and numb. I couldn't handle anything.

~~~

September 10
the last time i talked to her. She sent a heart, i sent a sticker. Beyong my knowledge that it was our last interaction.

~~~

I haven't cried in ages. The heaviness of the news was too much. I couldn't believe she's dead.

~~~

I regret it to this day. We could've talked more. I took everything for granted. All the time. She won't see my graduate on March 17. She wont see me neice and nephew. She won't see me go to highschool. She always supported me and I didnt even get top 15

~~~

My 9 year old cousin just found out about her death. Last week, she was talking about she woukd take care of her. Neither me or my grandmother had the heart to tell her anything. She was looking for her. I couldn't lie. I was gonna cry.

~~~

I'm sobbing so hard from writing this. I miss her so fucking much. It went off topic but I need to let some stuff out of my chest