I fear abandonment so much. It's like my deepest fears. One day, he would wake up and decide that we are no longer going to work out and he just gives up on me, gives up on us. And that day, I can't imagine that cursed day. What a useless day would that be. I love him. I love him so much that my heart hurts. Because of these intense feelings I have for him and because he might not be able to return them back, I feel like I should let go. Yes, let him go. That would be painful, alas, it would save me from the potential heart break I might go through. I remember the last time someone did that to me. I deleted all my social media, I didn't touch my phone and I would just cry. I would cry to god. I felt hopeless. Hopeless. I felt like the world was a miserable place to be in. I felt like confining myself to the four walls of my room. My own safe haven. I fell for him, hard and fast. But I don't ever wish to go through that again. I would just break into two, if that were to happen again. I will drown myself in the wallow of sadness, and this time there will be no coming back. Like, I will just sink into that deep dark hole. And that is why, I try so hard to maintain relationships now. I give and I give and I give. Sometimes I get it back and sometimes I don't but it's okay. I don't expect him to feel the same intensity of love I feel because, this type of love, this is insane. Words cannot express how I feel. Its like I am blinded because of this. Sometimes, I like to think, "why did you fall for him?" but there are no words. No explanations. I just do. I completely do. May be there is so much love in me which I want to give out to some one and may be after years I did find that someone. And now I can't refrain myself from appreciating it. from touching it, from showing it affection. It's like I have got a brand new toy after wishing for years and even though its not the finest or prettiest and it can harm me in some ways I still love it. I am infatuated with it. Does this make sense to anyone? may be it wasn't good for me but I still couldn't care less. And this makes me so scared. I am so attached to this person or toy in this example, what if lost it one day? what if ???
