Well, it's another boring Wednesday. Gosh, I can't wait for the weekend to end. I am excited. Half excited. 90% excited, the other 10% anxiety. I want to get out of this place. But I am gonna leave behind my mom which does make me sad because she is my best friend in the whole wide world. And what am I doing at work? Working 8-2 but so unhappy with work. Usually I am invested in work. I want to do work. Serving the greater community but right now, I just don't want to start that commitment whilst I have few days. And I really hope no one comes to see me at work. Or else it will be another day, another pain at work. Today I am thinking of going out to break at around 11:15. I am my own boss, I did not owe anyone any explanation. But I fucking hate this. I hated this job.
If you told me 5 years or even 2-3 years back, that life would have come to this. I wouldn't have believed. After all, I came back "happy" after I graduated college. I was at peace. Finally, I was home. Then, came a very spiritually awakening month and that was when I met HIM. HIM, how do I describe him? Him basically emotionally gaslighted or manipulated me to speak to him. He used to tell all these sob stories. I am a dumb bitch. Lets admit that. There is no shame in accepting that I was a dumb bitch who believed all his sob stories. I continued speaking to him even though I knew he wasn't perfect in anyway. He again emotionally manipulated me to speak to my parents about him. And he knew how to fuck with peoples emotions.
4 years later, I am married to him. One question lingers, Do you regret it? YES. If I knew what I know now, I would have most certainly dodged that Bullet. He was okay for me, but he isn't the most right for me. And for what do we even need someone? But thats bullshit. With the societal norms I needed him. I needed him for my desires. My sexual desires, my desire to travel and basically I need him. I recently found out, he texted a girl in a friendly manner. Well, fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him because I am better than him in every way. And Fuck him, because he is a fucking liar. A fucking liar. He did lie but I forgave him. I am a dumb bitch. Let's all admit to that.
Recently, I have been dieting. More like DIE-YING. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Why do we need to this? To keep up with the bloody societies desires. Their pursuit for perfection. To be honest, I don't give a fuck. But, I was going with HIM to a resort. A resort where his co-workers worked. And I can't be the ugly one. Of course, everyone around us should know that I settled for him and I deserved the best. Wow, writing this is making me feel like a narcissist.
Am I one though? Despite everything all I know is I love my mom, my dad. I do have issues with my dad. I don't know ever since the beginning my father has not treated my mother with what she deserves. She loves us all so much. She basically lives for us. Why can't dad see that? why can't he respect my mom and love her and be caring towards her like she deserves. He is a great father but a shitty husband. Thats what I feel sometimes. I am sorry dad and I definitely do feel like I am dad's least favourite. Ever since we were kids. Perhaps thats on being the middle child. But I have been brought up in a blessed home. And now for the most important part, my relationship with god. It cannot be explained. I used to pray to god to send me a "stitch" just how he did for Lilo. I used to cry. I used to feel bad about it. But HIM, despite everything I feel like I love him. I feel like he was always there for me when I needed. Through lifes ups and downs. Every little emotion, from hunger, joy, uneasiness, happiness, fear, panic, everything I have share d with him. Am I talking about him or him? I realized I was talking about him.... but in real it should have been him. I don't want my heart to unnecessarily be attached to something worldly. Humans. They cannot ever be trusted with anything. Feelings, people change. Only one thing is constant in life that is change and Him.
I hope I make him happy. Right now, I am doing a shitty job. But I will improve. I hope one day I can do something which makes me happy. Something I am passionate about such as helping someone I need. I hope I can bring happiness and joy into this world. And I hope to leave this world while making him happy.
I want a baby. A sweet little baby angel. And a little fighter baby boy. I hope I do get one someday.
