The Greatest Stand After The Deepest Fall

4'

Everything gets harder over time, but I have to be tough enough to get going and survive.

Lumipas pa ang ilang linggo, I seemed to be invisible in your life.

How could you manage to do that? Ang galing mo. Sobrang galing po.

Sa sobrang galing mo, you may have overlooked its darn effect to me.

May mga sandali na bigla na lang akong mawawala sa focus ko sa trabaho, sa buhay, at maiisip kita, kung anong nangyari sa iyo, sa atin, kung bakit nagkaganito.

May mga gabi na hindi ko mapigilan ang luha. Leshee sila. Nakakaleshee silang mga luha sila.

Hindi na ako makakain nang maayos.

Hindi na ako makatulog nang mahimbing.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I miss you.

And the only remedy I have found is to look at your pictures, read our convos or play our memories over my head.

"Hey, how's your day?" I asked you the moment you picked up my call.

"Hmm. Okay lang. Usual stuff na sooo tiriiiiing." I heard you took a deep sigh. "Ikaw?"

"Ayun, hindi na naman okay." sabi ko sa malungkot na tinig, kunwari.

"Why pooo?" concerned mong tanong.

"Tsk. Paano ba naman kase super miss kita. Hindi ka ba napapagod na tumakbo sa isip ko?" I smiled.

"Ihhhh."

"Yiee. Huwag mong pigilan. Baka maihi ka." biro ko.

"Wow ha."

"Wow talaga. As in wow na wow. Iyan ang reaksyon ng puso ko tuwing nakakausap ka."

"Ihhhhh. Corny mo na a."

I laughed.

"Well, I never imagined myself being this way before. Ang cringey, shet. Pero ganun pala talaga, when 'the one' comes along, these so called corny lines seem to be natural na lang."

....

"Hello Jace, don't you have a class?" tanong ko pagkasagot ko sa tawag niya.

"I do have."

"Then why?"

"Just called to ask if nag start na ba yung program niyo?"

"Wew, malapit na. Kabado ako."

"Kaya mo iyan, Cayle! Ikaw pa. Fighting! I love you."

--

"Hello my love, 'di ba ako nakakaistorbo sa iyo? Exams week niyo na o." sabi ko.

"Hindiiiiii. Miss ko na voice mo ee." And I know it's true.

"Yieeeeee." mahirap magpigil ng kilig.

"Nakakawala po ng pagod na marinig ang boses mo. Swear po."

"Kikiligin na ba ako niyan?" pero kailangan magpigil kahit kaunti.

"Hm, oo. Dapat lang."

"Sige, ihi na muna ako?"

"HMP!"

....

"I wish you're here with me." sabi mo sa kabilang linya. "I wish I could feel your warmth with a tight embrace, Cayle."

"Hmm. Let us close our eyes and start dreaming." I closed my eyes.

"Ikaw at ako, magkatabi habang nakahiga sa ilalim ng maliwanag na buwan. But instead of me choosing to look up and stare at the night sky, I'll be staring at you with a smile.. I'll trace the stubborn strands of your hair then your face. I'll trace it gently with the look of deep admiration in my eyes." dagdag ko.

"I'd be lost in your eyes, Cayle." sabi mo. "For sure."

"It'll be my pleasure, my love. Nothing else will matter other than this magical moment."

....

We shared a lot of memories.

And everything makes me miss you more. Namimiss ko na yung boses mo, yung pagtawa mo, yung panlalambing mo.

I miss you so bad.
I miss you like crazy.
I miss 'us'.

Seryoso.

Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap, being lost in this bitter reality.

Pero walang sukuan kahit ang labo na.

I keep on reminding myself.

Kahit na hindi nila makita ang point kung bakit ko pa ito ginagawa.

"Sigurado ka bang tutuloy ka pa?" tanong ni Lesly, one of my close friends na hindi ko pinaglihiman ng aking pinagdaraanan.

Tumango ako.

I'm more than a hundred percent sure.

Pupuntahan kita, walang atrasan.

It was planned long before this all happened.

Yun nga lang, it was planned before for us to have dates. But now, I just have to do it to see you and get my head straight.

"Cayle."

"Hm?" I looked straight to Lesly's eyes.

"This is something uncertain. You don't deserve this, alam mo naman yun 'di ba?"

"But I have to do this. Kailangan kong lumaban. Kailangan kong maniwala. Kailangan ko siyang makita."

"And I'm totally not okay with you being like that. We're not okay about it. It's so unlike you looking like a fool."

"Lesly."

"Pero kahit ano namang sabihin namin o sabihin ko, I know you already made up your mind and you're one hell of  a hard headed lady. Kaya, just take care of yourself okay? Tumawag ka pagkarating mo roon."

I smiled.

"I will. Thank you."