One Week of March

3:48 A.M

March 1, 2018
I wake up at 3 am a lot. Maybe it's because some ghost wants to posses me, or maybe it's just because I can stay asleep for over 2 REM cycles. But most of the time I lie awake for an hour or so just contemplating the weirdest things. Like, sometimes I wonder why I painted my walls blue. And why I have blonde hair (genetics obviously) Or why I'm like the ONLY emo/ alternative gymnast. And I think about how perfect my favorite celebs are. Like Adam Rippon, Yuzuru Hanyu, Johnny Weir, Brendon Urie, Shane Dawson, I could go on for days. Then I start to analyze the lyrics of songs. Like what does,"LOVVEE how you, disagree to tell me that I'm wrong," really mean? Probably literally what it says. And if you know what song I just subconsciously sang, then I love you. (By the way it's lipstick covered magnet by the front bottoms. I stan them). But then it gets deeper, and I pull out that stereotypical 3 am dark side of myself and start thinking about my sexuality. I'm about to go into really fine detail of what it's like at 3 am for me, probably because it's what I'm thinking right now.
I only realized that I was pan like less than a year ago. I feel like I'm not allowed to come out yet. Because you see these people who've known since they were 8 and they've been fighting all these years and then they finally come out and it's like the most triumphant moment ever. I feel like I need to wait a few years for anyone to take me seriously. I'm afraid that they'll say that it's just a phase because I haven't endured like 4 years of knowing.
But then again I don't really have to tell them that I only knew a year ago. That's the scary thing about humans, you know. Anybody can say anything at anytime that doesn't have to be true in the slightest but people will still believe them because of who they are or their situation. I'm also afraid that they will say that I'm too young. Because all over the internet they say that kids who come out aren't valid because they're young. LIKE I UNDERSTAND, TEENS ARE FUCKING MENACES OF SOULS AND THEY DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING. BUT JUST LET US HAVE THIS. PLEASE. Sorry. I just hate when people discriminate against teenagers just because of their age and what the media says about them. Like adults always say how we use the media too much. But literally they're getting all this information from the media so, hypocrisy at its finest. (That's literally my favorite thing to say). But I hate when people discriminate against people because of what the media says about those people as a whole. It's very irking.
My mind then starts drifting towards her. I think of it all. From the day we became friends to now. How when we were at level 4 states we tied for 1st on floor and we cutely hugged on the 1st place podium. And that time in level 5 at practice when we "spotted" each other for back handsprings on beam. And then that time in level 6 when Lillia broke her back (hence why she is in level 10 now, and not elite). I remember it so clearly. We were working flights on beam, back walkover backhand spring. They were probably the scariest things to learn EVER. But there's a reason why Lillia never does back hand springs on beam anymore. I had just put mine up on high beam for the first time. And you see Lillia and I had this sort of competition going on between each other. Sort of like the Russian figure skaters Evgenia Medvedeva and Alina Zagitova, but we're more friendly with each other than them. So she decided to go for hers too. Her back walkover was gorgeous as usual, with her beautiful, tall, "5'5 lines. And on her back handspring both of her hands slipped off the side of the beam. Causing her to sort of flip onto her back on the beam and almost bend in half backwards (that would be a good band name) and this happens a lot to girls. But Lillia naturally has a fragile back and the way she bent in half, we all knew that it was broken. And when she flopped onto the dull blue mat, a deafening scream was let out from her soft mouth. I remember how much pain she was in, and how mad at herself she was, and how nervous she was for surgery, and how happy she was when she got out of surgery, and how long it took for her to recover (1 1/2 years).
I snap out of the flashback and I realize that hot tears are pouring down my face. Ugh, it always ends like this, I always end up thinking about Lillia and start crying, then I eventually fall asleep after that. I roll over and groan, checking my phone to see what time it is. "3:48"
Is shining in front of my background of Lillia and I doing handstands together on the beach. I start crying all over again, this time it's nearly sobs.
"Why can't I just be normal?" I cry, "She's just so gorgeous, and perfect, and straight. I wish we could be together. But all I am is a forbidden lover!" I breathe in between sobs. "No! I am perfect just the way I am, my love is just as valid as everyone else's! I'm done playing the game of being less than enough, I am so much more than enough!" I whisper yell at myself. And with that, I closed my eyes and drifted off into the soft clouds of sleep.

July 29, 2013
My body was shaking from fear just the way it always does when I attempt a new skill. My arms are raised above my head, fingers intertwined, my eyes peer at the end of the beam, longing to get this over with. I stretch up through my spine and fold back into the walkover. I feel my hands softly land on the beam and I look down at it. "My feet will go right there, then my hands will make it on safely," I think to myself. Then I plant my feet down and jump with all my might. My hands formed to fit the 4 inch beam and I stood up, sharply bringing my arms back to my head.
"Yeah, C!!!" Lillia practically screamed.
"Niceee Sienna," Coach Lily cheered, high fiving me.
I smiled at all the people who were cheering and happily skipped towards Lillia, who hugged me tightly.
"Now it's your turn, Lil," I said.
"I guess I have no choice," she laughed.
Her long legs hopped up on the beam with ease. She stood there for a few seconds, hands raised and stomach pulled in. Then she did that thing she always did before she went where she wrapped one toe around the other. (Don't judge me for looking at her feet, were gymnasts). And she looked back towards the beam and went into her walkover. Her hands gripped the beam in a white-knuckled fashion and she put her feet down. She jumped up into the back handspring. Her hands landed seemingly safe on the beam. But all of the sudden her hands slipped off the right side of the beam. She attempted to put her feet on the beam, but they slipped too, leaving her bending in half on the beam. She then dropped onto the floor, letting out an awful scream of pain.
Everyone gasped and ran over towards her.
"Oh my gosh are you okay?"
"Do you need ice?"
"Everyone leave her alone!" Coach Lily warned. Meanwhile, I had already run over to get ice for her. I came back and handed coach Lily the ice. Lillia was lying on the mat, sobbing. Her back looked distorted and bent, like in those funhouse mirrors.
After practice my parents took me to see Lillia in the hospital. When we got there she was being prepped for surgery so we had to wait until she got out.
"She's really scared of being put to sleep, but she will be fine," Lillias mom reassured me.
Waiting for 3 hours in a hospital waiting room would be torture, so we headed out and decided to go see a movie to keep my mind off of Lillia. We decided to see Frozen because I had been nagging to see it for forever.
After the movie we went to go get some food. Then we waited the rest of it out in the hospital waiting room.
When we were allowed to see Lillia I walked in and she had this terrifying look on her face, the look of pure and utter pain. She told me how much pain she had been in before the surgery and how scared she was, and how happy I was there.

March 1, 2018
I woke up from the flashback/dream in a depressing state. I checked the date and my heart rose from depressed longing to joyful possession.
It was Saturday, which means I didn't have practice so I could ask Lillia if she wants to do anything today.
I sprung out of bed and grabbed my phone. "Hey Lil, do u want to go see a movie or something today?" I text.