Smashed
(adj.) very drunk
"Louis, it's been a month! He's not coming back." His best mate Zayn says gently.
Louis looks up from his phone where he had being sending message after message to "him". Louis didn't like to say his name anymore, if he says it it makes it real, it means that he did leave him and he's not ready to accept that yet. The messages all came up on his screen with red crosses next to them. He had changed his number or blocked Louis'. Tears prick the corner of Louis' eyes as he takes in what Zayn says. He shuts his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, remembering the promise he made himself. Zayn stays silent, watching Louis with concern.
"Sorry mate" he says and pats Louis' back.
Louis opens his eyes and runs his hand through his hair, which really needs cutting but that means leaving the flat for 30 minutes more than he had to and that means he won't be here if Harry comes back.
"I'm worried about you, Lou" Zayn says In his gravely, accented voice. Louis cringes at his nickname as it brings back the flashback of Harry speaking it, the way that only he could.
"I can't do this Lou"
Louis shakes himself out of it and gives Zayn a forced smile which probably looks something like a grimace.
"I'm fine Zayn, don't worry about me." He says with false enthusiasm. Zayn doesn't look convinced.
"Will you come out with me tonight? We can call Liam, go get some drinks, have fun?" Zayn asks for the third time today.
"Zayn, I don't kn-"
"Come on Louis! I'm not taking no for an answer! You haven't left the flat in a whole month!" He says exasperated.
Louis looks down at his hands. He can't leave, what if he comes back? Besides that's not exactly true. He's been to get some food from the corner shop a couple of times, plus he had been to work three days a week.
Louis is shaken out of his thoughts by Zayn's voice.
"Liam! You free tonight? Wanna take Louis out?......Yeah he's still moping around....it's been hard on him....please?.....ok....thanks....come to Louis' yeah?....ok see ya"
Louis glares at Zayn as he hangs up his phone.
"Get in the shower Louis" Zayn says smiling.
Louis is about to protest but Zayn shoves him towards the bathroom and Louis doesn't have the strength to fight back anymore. He shuffles to the bathroom where he strips and gets in the shower. Once he's clean he pulls on some skinny jeans which he hasn't worn in weeks and he instantly misses the comfort of his sweats. He puts on the first t-shirt he finds which isn't dirty (he needs to do the laundry) and it happens to be a white one with navy stripes. The memory that comes from looking at the shirt pains him but he doesn't take it off. If he's being forced into going out he might as well drink. It might make him forget for a while. When he's managed to blow dry his now longish hair into a sort of style, he is greeted by Zayn and Liam. Liam pulls him into a hug which is a little too tight but makes Louis feel a little better.
They take Louis to his local down the street. The walk is short but Louis doesn't feel like talking so they walk in silence, Louis walks a little bit behind Zayn and Liam. Zayn turns around and Louis smiles but he feels like he's dying, trying not to drag his feet. When they get there Liam gets the bar tenders attention and orders them all something strong. Louis doesn't care what it is and downs it, earning a cheer from Zayn and a pat on the back from Liam.
They tell Louis that a few drinks will help him to forget "him". Louis doesn't often find himself in this state of mind. Usually he and Liam are the ones who stay at least somewhat sober, but it's just one of those days where Louis finds himself taking whatever drink is shoved his way, downing them one after another. He doesn't want to be buzzed or even somewhat drunk. No, he wants to be so smashed that he can't even remember what his name is. He wants to be at the point where he wakes up ten hours later and is still having trouble placing the simplest thoughts.
"I think you should stop." Liam warns from somewhere behind him. Louis's too lazy to turn around to face him and the bartender leans forward, pressing another glass into his hand. He just chuckles and downs it in one swift movement, letting the alcohol burn his throat and intoxicate him to the very core of his being.
"Don't want to." Louis finally slurs back. Liam sighs and walks off towards Zayn.
The rest of the night goes by in a blur. He drinks to forget Harry's name but ends up forgetting his own first.
A while later Louis' mind starts racing and he gets up and stumbles out of the door. One of the boys starts calling him, following behind, asking him what he's doing. They know what he's about to do, but Louis thinks that they can't see how this is going to end, they both think he's crazy but to him it's perfect sense. He doesn't know what he's doing but he's shouting and walking in the opposite direction to his house. Zayn and Liam are stopping him. They should be helping, after all they were his mates. But no His "mates" are there trying to calm him down but Louis doesn't listen, he's shouting "his" name all over town. He stops and smiles at them a crazy smile that Liam doesn't like the look of and he's swearing if he goes there now he will change "his" mind and turn it all around. Zayn's saying something trying to get him to stop shouting, telling him that it's a bad idea and that he shouldn't. Liam's trying to hold Louis still, trying to stop him from where he's going because "you're better than this." Louis's not having any of it and pulls himself out of Liam's grip, surprising himself at how he hasn't fallen yet.
"I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words and he'll listen this time even though they're slurred." He tells the boys who are still trying to stop him. He blocks them out and he stumbles there along the railings and the fences and he knows that if they're face to face then "he'll" come to his senses. Every drunk step he takes leads him to "his" door. Thinks that if "he" sees how much he's hurting, "he'll" come back for sure. He suddenly stops earning a "thank god" from Liam. Louis' hands are shaking and he realises that even if he does this, if he goes to Harry's, what are the chances of him coming back? He left. Liam and Zayn are talking to him trying to drag him back home but all he can hear is his pounding heart and as he pulls out his phone. So he dials "his" number and confesses to him, he's still in love but all he hears is nothing. There's not a sound coming through the other line. Nothing, nothing.
He finds himself in his bed hours later with no idea when and how he got there. His mind is all over the place, unable to hold onto a thought for longer than a few seconds but there's always one thought that keeps coming up. Louis sighs and sits up, his bedside lamp is on, giving the room a dim glow and on the floor beside his bed he finds his jeans folded with his phone on the top. On his bedside table is a glass of water and after letting the cool water slide down his throat he feels a little more sober and able to at least see straight. He finds two tablets placed also on the bedside table and smiles, he would bet his life on the fact that Liam did this for him, he takes them quickly, his head is fuzzy and he can feel a massive headache coming on. It's worth it he thinks, he managed to numb the pain, but his face appears in Louis memory and he turns the light off before sliding under his duvet. Even when he is out of his mind that face still appears. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and curls himself into a ball. He tells himself it doesn't count, when he feels hot moisture prick the corners of his eyes and slowly trail down his cheek, because he's drunk. So this is what his life is like now. Without Harry. He had survived November, he could do this, it will be alright. Maybe letting himself forget how good it used to be will make it easier. But when Louis slept at night he dreamt of Harry, and even in his sleep he knew how good it used to be. How right it was, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can't stop yourself from dreaming.
