Harry spends the next week in bed. He's awake but he's asleep. He can't tell the difference anymore. He seems to float in this in between space where he constantly dreams. Well they're not exactly dreams, mostly just memories. Each one kills him, sends an invisible cut across his body. He pulls himself out of bed when one in particular plays in his mind.
They had been talking about what they wanted to do before they died. One that interested Harry on Louis' list was to learn sign language. Harry liked that idea. They'd found this app on their phones which taught them a new sign each day. Soon they could sign simple messages to each other. Louis was better than him but he understood what Louis told him each time. There was this one night, Harry had had an awful day at work, not being able to concentrate properly and burning a few things as well as himself. He'd walked to Louis's and it had started to rain, he was soaked and freezing by the time he got in. Louis had friends over and Harry just wanted to curl up on the couch. Louis had let him in and pushed him towards his bedroom to get dry and changed. Harry had done just that and out a fake smile on his face greeting the quests with kindness. Louis had noticed and saw the way Harry's smile stopped at his mouth, the way his forehead contained a few frown lines, the way Harry was shaking slightly from being out in the cold. When Harry had gone into the kitchen to fix more drinks Louis had followed making the excuse that he should probably help Harry. He had come into the kitchen to find Harry shivering still and leaning on the counter with his back to Louis, waiting for the kettle to boil. Louis had put his hands on Harry's tense shoulders rubbing them gently and then turning Harry round before enveloping him in a hug. Harry had shuddered at the warmth and held Louis tightly. Louis had pulled back too soon and had smiled, leaning over, pressing his arm against Harry's. He closed his fingers into his palm and sticks his thumb out.
Harry had briefly looked down, something in his chest contorting, and then rolled his eyes, a smile playing upon his lips. He mimicked Louis' hand and gives him a thumbs up, to which Louis answered by angling his thumb to connect with Harry's. The gesture was brief, but the message clear. A promise, a sentiment.
I love you.
Harry didn't want to be in the in between space after that memory and so he gets up, eats something for the first time in about 5 days and heads out on Louis' birthday to the only place that could make him better. His mum welcomed him with open arms and he'd ended up sobbing on her whilst Gemma and Robin tried to wrap themselves around his back, forming a group hug with Harry in the middle. He'd eventually calmed and Gemma had been able to make him crack his first real smile in ages. Harry was sure they all remembered that today was Louis' birthday but no one brought it up. Harry didn't know if he was glad of that or not. He's awoken on Christmas morning by Gemma jumping on him like they were kids again. He put on his fake happiness mask and they made pancakes and coffee before waking up his mum and Robin. The family was gathered in the living room, all clad in slippers and dressing gowns, fire crackling softly, giving the room a warm glow. Presents are exchanged and so are hugs and kisses and if Harry tries hard enough he can forget that something so big is missing that he only felt half there.
Once they're all washed and dressed Harry is forced to go and get his haircut before the rest of the family arrives for Christmas dinner, which he does, it's not Lou but the woman does a fairly good job and even styles the front of It back into a sort of quiff for him. He can see now but he misses being able to hide his bag laden eyes behind the fringe he had seemed to grow.
He hurries home and greets the rest of his family with warm embraces and kisses on the cheek. Dinner is delicious and Harry eats more than everyone there as he hasn't eaten a proper meal in days. He gets a few odd looks but uses the excuse of him being a "growing lad" in order to eat thirds as well as dessert. Although he was hungry, eating was a way of distracting himself. Everyone around the table seems to be happy. His Grandma's hand rests gently on top of his Grandad's on the table cloth, his Auntie bounces his small baby cousin on her knee, Gemma is talking animatedly with their other cousin who was a few years younger than him, his Mum is giving Robin a loving stare and Harry, well Harry was just sort of there, sitting opposite the empty chair that should contain a grinning, blue eyed boy.
The rest of the night passes quickly, he gets a little drunk, not smashed but just enough that he's sleepy. Family members leave one at a time before it's just the four of them again. He plays on his drunkenness and Gemma helps him to bed. Once she's made him comfortable she goes to leave before he whispers through the darkness of his room.
"Gem?" Gemma stops and turns back to the bed.
"Can you maybe just....stay?" He asks, his voice barely audible.
"Really Haz?-" Gemma starts, putting a hand on her hip before Harry interrupts.
"I can't sleep....haven't slept in weeks..." he swallows. "Not since I left him....I hate waking up and having no one beside me." His voice is quiet, slow and Gemma knows that tone. Knows he's not as ok as he's making out. She bites her lip at his confession and makes her way back over to his bed.
"Ok" she whispers and he holding the edge of his duvet up. Gemma slides in next to him.
"Thank you." He whispers back, shutting his eyes tightly.
"Harry c'mere." She says quietly and he shuffles closer to her. She holds him close to her. His arms fold around her and she hears his uneven breaths. She doesn't speak, hoping her presence is enough and sure enough Harry falls into a dreamless sleep.
Harry leaves his mothers the day before New Year's Eve with promises to call her. He sends Niall a text telling him that he's home and opens his flat. He jumps when a figure in a leather jacket is already sitting inside on his couch.
"Zayn?" Harry says, startled.
"Hey mate, I would hug you but I can't at the moment because you hurt Louis." Zayn says sincerely and Harry nods and gestures for Zayn to follow him to the kitchen. Zayn sits at the breakfast bar and Harry fills up the kettle before turning to face him.
"Not that I don't want you here Zayn, but why are you here?" Harry asks, meeting Zayn's eyes before looking away. There's a hardness there, not the usual softness that Harry's used to.
"I need to talk to you. This isn't going to make much sense but listen to me ok?" He says and Harry nods.
"I had a crush on Perrie for a hear before I did anything about it. I had myself in all these knots because of a story I was telling myself. The way I felt about her scared me so I decided that she scared me and I made up all of these reasons for me to be afraid of being with her. Anyway i thought there was no way in hell that she would wanna be with me. I very nearly convinced myself this was true because that was easier than actually taking the risk." Zayn's looks up from his hands and looks Harry in the eye. "That scares the hell out of me Harry, the fact that I almost tricked myself out of the best thing that's ever happened to me because I was convinced I could never be that lucky." Harry isn't sure if his ears are ringing or if Zayn's words are ricocheting inside his brain. "So I had to approach her and I'm so glad I did because Perrie had given up on trying to get my attention and if I had never taken the chance then I would never have got to see what we could have been, which is pretty amazing. I just, I love her so much and I can't imagine anything worse than if we had never even talked and if she lived the rest of her life not knowing what she meant to me. That's the worse thing I can think of. But that's the thing, there isn't really ever an ending is there? There doesn't have to be, not unless we want there to be. Life keeps going and we keep going and even if we can't rewrite we can still change our minds. It's like we've got to write our own stories but we don't have to stick with the plot we picked first, Harry. So that means that happily ever after doesn't exist but a lot of better things do, if we go after them." Zayn stops talking, apparently out of words and Harry stands there frozen for what feels like at least a minute, staring at Zayn. And then it's clear, fuck it. Fuck being afraid, fuck talking himself down, fuck pretending he doesn't feel the way he does, fuck giving up. Fuck running away. And then he's suddenly kissing Zayn on the forehead holding him close and then he's grabbing his Keyes and sprinting out of the building, one thing in his mind, it's not too late.
He's in the building before he even realises and his legs just keep going up each flight of stairs and his head is racing. He doesn't even know what he's going to say. But he's there and he's going to do it because he doesn't want to be afraid anymore. He's knocking on the door in the pattern that Louis knows as him and there's footsteps on the other side of the door, and then there the sound of a deep breath, a pause before the door is opened with utmost care.
