Things I Can't Say Out Loud

|unrequited love|

TW: MENTIONS OF ED AND SELF-HARM
e s t r a n g e d
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my skin was blue.

it tasted bitter like raindrops dripping from broken glass into the sinking canoe of self-pity. the decaying petals of my own soul tainted my eyes and blinded them with sorrow and loneliness.

i've never felt so cold, so detached. it was as if thorns had gripped the base of my neck and swallowed me into a new dimension - a foreign era of multiplying colours that melted together to create a life-shattering image. oh, it was beautiful the way everything looked so seamlessly perfect.

the shapes flowered together creating a masterpiece. it was not a masterpiece. i reached out towards it; desperately grasping at the misleading works of art, and managed to tear a piece of the unrealistic artifact. i held it close, examining it. it was everything and nothing.

it turned my hands green.

the clock fell silent as it listened to my heartbeat. it patiently waited for my own claws to slice my flesh before it ate itself from the inside. it was a battle against myself. i've never won.

i left myself gagging in a pit of hysteria, uncherished. laying my head on the edge of the foggy bathtub, i watched the clumps of my own stomach swirl away in the drain. i was empty and as my legs went to stand, the weight of carrying myself overwhelmed me.

the mirror did not hold truth. it folds the metal and bends it to give a deceitful illusion of what it's being asked. Mirror mirror on the wall, how do i become the fairest of them all? it never answers for you. you do it yourself. i told myself that eating was not a necessity.

staring at my face, i looked at my eyes. they dripped with disgust and fell from my lash line, staining my cheeks green in its wake. i hated myself. i stabbed myself with shards of the mirror out of habit while watching the people around me bite and nibble. i heard the echoing clinks of silverware and i was unable to keep myself from feeling resentful.

all i tasted was red.

i was a whole picture of dark lines and dull paper cuts, neglecting the care i needed to provide for myself. my head was submerged in a pool of unrealistic hopes, covering my screams of help from below my rib. my voice was swallowed, caged within my heart. i was struggling against my own skin, tearing holes and frantically trying to breath.

despite my conscience, i pushed myself down and deeper away from the top of my skin. i was sliding into an endless tunnel filled with broken winged butterflies that clashed together creating explosions of new planets that would never be reached.

i was picking away at myself - slowly, and then all at once. i laid my pieces out in front of me, organizing them to look like the masterpieces - the masterpieces i could never resemble. mine looked like a fleshly mess, layered with catastrophe against the strong stench of different coloured flames. i left myself unconnected; particles flaking away from its host. my chest tightened it's hold on me. my stomach turned, not from hunger though. i felt obscene.

i was told that beauty comes from within. i never understood how that was possible when every cell in my body was hideous. i am my own worst enemy.

injecting myself with poisonous inks of lies and eating masked sins for meals was how i tortured the one person who would always be there for me. we conjure our own spirit, but what happens after you've shredded your spirit?

even though my body worked tiresomely every second of my life to take care of me, i had gone and destroyed it. it's left with stained memories painted on my skin and echos of its cries within the hollow depths of itself. this is the results of self-neglect. this is what happens when you overlook something so important because you were too busy watching a fraudulent garden of white lilies infest. when you fail to water your own garden, your flowers wilt and fall. when i failed to nourish myself, i fell apart.

i smeared my skin blue.

~ levan
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an: are you fucking kidding me... my teacher had to read this and grade it. i'm so stupid lmao why did i do this. my sincerest apologies to my old english teacher.