Things I Can't Say Out Loud

|class discussion|

t r e p i d a t i o n
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the chatters came to a stop as everyone focused their attention to the centre of the room where the teacher stood. she traced her eyes from face to face. when she spoke, it was smooth; velvet-like, it enchanted you. we were dazed in her world of knowledge and experience - but the spell crumbled slowly once she addressed the group with a question. her gazed carefully covered the room.

that was the moment the storm of swirling emotions hit. it started as a light drizzle, then blew in all at once. my stomach fell into an endless pit as rapid thoughts of what what would happen next exhausted my mind. everything around me was still.

i sat with sweating palms and a darting heartbeat that clogged my ears. a sense of impending doom dripped from the ceiling and kissed the wall, magnetised by panic driven gravity. hands started rising, bright and eager faces wanting to start discussion and share ideas. it happened all too quickly. a split second image that made you look twice amidst the blur of colours. she turned towards me and raised an eyebrow expectantly.

she asked for me to speak.

a shiver danced up my skin as if i was dunked in ice, yet the room seemed to heat up. Every movement and sound seemed bigger; everything towered over me like a skyscraper that only scraped me. i was shrinking behind multiple dimensions of walls built as a pathetic shield from the judgement of the world.

my mind skipped from one thought to another, unable to stay unmoving no matter how hard i tried to gather the scattered pieces with my trembling hands. the web of anxiety wrapped every inch of my body. my limbs shook as every eye was trained on me. it felt as if i was drowning in my own dry throat. self doubt cocooned my rigid body and my chest constricted as i tried to take a breath; my lungs almost forgetting the taste of air.

as i began to speak under the blanket of calculating looks, my voice sounded abnormal and every syllable had the aftertaste of bitter stained glass on my tongue. concentrating on what i was saying instead of the immense pressure that had almost crushed me; i saw nothing but my own words tumble out of my mouth. i watched it float in front of me, and childishly taunted me.

boiling heat crept up my face into an unflattering blush. i lowered my head to glance at my shivering hands, an attempt to covertly cover the flush as i softly mumbled out my last few words like the light patter of rain.

no one seemed to notice that their eyes painfully  stabbed at my smallest movements. Swallowing loudly, i peeked up through my lashes to dart my eyes around the room. a small snicker from beside me erupted causing my torso to involuntarily sink into my chair; wishing my body would be set on fire, and evaporated into smoke and ashes. whispers of judgement bounced off the walls and I wanted nothing more than to inhale the ashes like a cigarette and suffocate myself with the exhaled swirls of smoke.

my breath scratched the insides of my throat. it was like the moment after dropping a glass cup. the strained feeling crawling into your neck, chest, stomach and limbs, as you listened to the echoes of ringing silence.

It was an eternity until I was reeled away from the world of ugly self-wreck.

silence. deafening and terrifying silence. the dark strings of my thoughts cleared momentarily, though i was still tangled in it. blinking through my slightly foggy vision, i observe all heads were focused down, hastily jotting the notes displayed at the front of the class. my thoughts caught up with unforgiving reality.

discussion was over.

we had moved on to another topic. everything came down at once; a tidal wave of undoing. my head spun lightly, repeating the scenario that had happened just mere moments ago like a film playing over and over again. it was so achingly vivid. the wash of fear that had consumed me was now settled at the bottom of my stomach.

overthinking was the breeze after the storm, cold and unwavering. frustration coursed through me. i had carelessly gone into the darkness instead of fighting against it.

fear was like a stain, unwilling to taint anything but the purity of a child. it creates a catastrophic mess of everything it seems fit. chaos within itself. it was self-destructive and dark, yet it can't be seen. as a result, it blinds you of your actions, paralyzing your logic, until you stop and think excessively hard about it.

it was impulsive.

conflicting thoughts and emotions were carefully tossed between myself. until it landed in my palms, my mind stopped. everything became bafflingly clear.

it was all in my head.

~ levan
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