My Name is Andrew Lee Cooper.

Chapter Ten

(MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING; SELF HARM/ABUSE)

I can't seem to catch my breath. I haven't been running. I feel sick; like I'm going to throw up any minute now.

"What?" My voice is almost a whisper.

"You heard me." Her voice drips with acid. She's right, I heard her. I heard loud and clear what she said to me.

You're a girl. You're my daughter. You have breasts, you are a female. She. Her. Girl. Nothing will ever change that. You're not a man, you're not a boy. She just woke me up after I came home and slept when I came home from Elliott's.

"You're wrong, Mom." I can tell her anger with me is rising fast. "I'm a boy. I am male. My name isn't Lilian, or Lily. I am Andrew. Please, just listen to me for a minute. I am a boy stuck in the wrong body. I hate this, I hate me." I finish my statement in a huff. She's rolling her eyes at me now. I can tell she's getting to her limit. I slowly walk closer to her, closing the gap between us. She's never accepted me. She's never treated me with any respect. She wants me to be her little puppet that she can morph and mold into whatever she wants. But I'm not. I am my own person and she can't do this to me. I've spent my whole life worrying and hiding. Letting people walk all over me. I'm not going to let anyone use me as a doormat anymore. I ball my fists and try to calm myself. I have to do this. For me, and for no one else. I have to stand up for myself.

"I'm a boy. I'm not a girl. I've changed. I've found out who I am, finally. I know who I am. I've never liked dresses or makeup or pink, even as a little kid. I always knew I was different, Mom. I just didn't know what I was, what I was feeling, or what to call it." I take a breath. "I knew I was a boy stuck in a girl's body. I knew something went wrong. But I didn't know it happened to other people or that it had a name. I know now. I am a transgender boy." I'm trying and trying to get this through to her but I don't think she's getting it. It's raining hard outside and I can feel the house shake, and lightning lights up the house every few minutes. It's freezing in here and I'm trying to shrink deeper into my sweatshirt. She's staring at me and I have one last thing to say.

"I am your son." I practically spit it at her.

Before I know it, her opened hand is raised high over my head and it has come down on my face and my cheek is on fire. It stings. My hands fly to my face. I can feel hot tears running from my eyes and I'm numb. She stands rigid.

"I'm not discussing this any further, Lilian. You're my daughter, you are not a tranny. You're a girl." She pauses, looking disgusted with me. I can tell her hatred for me is boiling over, I know mine definitely is. "Go." She waves me off to my room as if nothing happened. She seems bored now. She won. She saunters out of the hall and into the living room.

I fall to my knees. My face still stings like hell. I can't seem to piece together what just happened. I was there, but in my memory it's like I was sitting across the hall. What just happened to me? What occurred here just a minute ago?

There's a body-length mirror in this hall and knowingly I turn to it, sitting on my knees on the carpeted ground.

I don't know who's sitting there staring back at me. It's a stranger. It can't be me. It's not. It's a girl my age. She has long, light brown hair that cascades a little past her shoulders, and she has dull, lifeless blue-grey eyes that are reddened all around from her tears. She's wearing the same sweater as me, but it looks three sizes too big and she also has on black skinny jeans that are ripped and tattered. She looks empty, broken, and defeated. Her left cheek is a bright, cherry red.

I turn my face a little to examine my cheek, it feels raw now. When I put my hand to it, it feels warm. Hot, even. My hand seems like ice in comparison.