My Name is Andrew Lee Cooper.

Chapter Twelve

(MAJOR, MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING; DETAILED SUICIDE+NOTESvv)

Elliott,

I don't even know where to begin with you. Where do I start? Do I start at the very beginning, or do I just say goodbye and leave it at that? I'm not really sure. I'll start at the beginning since I won't ever be able to explain this later. So, on the first day of school I walked into our second period. Once I saw you, I knew you were it. I fell for you at first sight. And once I got to know you, really know you, I learned that you were wonderful and amazing and kind. You were gentle and loving and caring. You were charismatic, charming, and outgoing. You befriended me without hesitation. We were best friends from the start. I've always loved you. So much. I used to be so awkward around you, it almost makes me laugh writing this. I wonder if you ever noticed. A while after, I learned how to be comfortable around you without being so nervous. I don't know why I haven't told you my true feelings until now; although I'm sure you have picked up on them before. But yeah, I'm in love with you. There. It's off my chest. I always have been. I just thought you deserved to know before I said my final goodbyes. So here that goes, I guess.

I'm really, really sorry. Truly. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I can't hold on any longer. It's getting so hard to do this, I just can't anymore. I can no longer deal with the hunger, I can no longer deal with obsessively tracking my calories and numbers on a scale. But as long as I take up space on this earth; as long as I have matter, I'm obsessed with making sure it's as small as possible. I can no longer find the motivation to brush my teeth or take showers or dress myself. It's getting harder and harder to carry on and I'm just done trying. Every time I try to get better, every time I try to fix myself, it all goes downhill and I'm right back where I started. I'm just done. I'm going to miss you so much. I love you more than you'll probably ever know. You mean the world to me; you are my world. You're so amazing and wonderful, you're a blessing to this world. Keep soldiering on, for me. Push through, for me. Carry on because I can't. I'm sorry I left you to pick up the pieces. I'm sorry I left you to clean up the mess I've made. I'm just so sorry. I love you, goodbye.

Tears are pouring out of my eyes and I can't breathe correctly. My everything is shaking and I don't have enough energy to cry but somehow I manage. The water in the bath no longer looks like it was ever water, and it's grown colder and no longer is warm. I'm dipping in and out of consciousness. My phone continues to vibrate. It's the fifth call I've gotten in a row so far. Finally it stops and all I can hear are the birds chirping next to the window and the wind blowing outside. I hope and pray he gave up and I can just fade away. That's what I want. To fade away and never come back to this world; this ruthless and evil place. I hate it here. I can't stand it. I hold my breath and lower my head, as well as my face, underwater.

I'm not sure how long it's been now. It feels like it's been thirty or forty minutes, but realistically it's more than likely been only five or ten minutes. The room is disappearing now and everything is slowly getting more and more quiet. My lungs are telling me to come back up for air but I don't.

Then, I hear a loud bang downstairs. I stay still and hushed, hoping it's just my mother and she won't notice until later when I'm finally gone. I hope I'll bleed out or drown before they find me. She wouldn't care much anyway. The only reason she'd be upset would be because she could no longer hit me or force me to do things for her. That makes me feel a bit better, knowing that she can no longer tell me what to do or boss me around. I no longer have to hear her lectures or listen as she screams at my sister. I no longer have to listen to her laugh at me or contradict me. I'm finally done.

But now I hear footsteps through the water bounding up the stairs loudly and quickly. I can hear someone shouting my name, my real name. And I know it's not Mother.

"Andrew? Andrew! Oh my god, please tell me you're here..." I can hear the voice go into my room and quickly rummage through it. "Andrew!" The voice is screaming my name and it echoes through the house. I clench my eyes shut as the origin of the voice draws closer. I hope I go unnoticed. I'm so close to achieving what I've set out to do so many times. I'm so close to leaving this world and the body it put me in behind. It's all going to be over soon.

I open my eyes under the water to see something blue and immediately close them again. The room is starting to spin, with Elliott in it. My lungs are aching but I won't give them any air. They don't deserve it and neither do I. I'm beginning to swallow water as a replacement for air.

"Oh my god, Andrew." I can barely hear him through the water. He rushes to me and sits me up, is arms wrapped around me, holding me. I pull back and cough, and water comes up with it. I'm throwing up water and it doesn't seem to stop. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Now I'm breathing again. Elliott pulls me back into him. I'm getting him wet and probably blood-stained, but I don't think he cares or even so much as notices. My arms burn like they are on fire. I hear sirens outside and I feel sick. "What did you do to yourself, Andrew? What did you do?" He's sobbing and I'm beginning to feel guilty. His breathing is shaky, shallow, and uneven. His eyes are red and swollen and tears are slipping down his cheeks. But I'm also upset that he found me. I pray silently that I just die and that they can't save me. Elliott is shaking me now. "Hey, stay with me. Please, don't leave me. It's okay. It's gonna be alright."

"No..." It will never be okay. Never, ever again will it be okay. "Let me die." I plead quietly with him. "Let me go." He sobs some more.

"I can't do that, Andrew, I just can't. You mean so much to me..." Yes you can. Just let me go, set me free. You can release me. Let go. I want to shout this at him but I'm too tired and I barely have the energy to breathe. So I close my eyes and let myself fade away, even when he yells my name in my ear I don't say anything. Even when he shakes me I don't say anything. My breaths become more and more shallow and Elliott begins to fade away. I love you, Elliott. I think I say it out loud even though I meant to just say it in my head, but at least he knows.

I wake up in a hospital bed. Monitors beep and machines hum. I have an IV in my arm and the air smells of medicine and cleansing wipes. I sit up, quickly gathering that I'm in a hospital and I've woken up. I'm not dead? I rip off the cords and cables attached to me and throw them to my left. The room I'm in is small, and it just houses me, a cabinet, a chair, and a television. Standing, I look down and realize I'm in a pink hospital gown. I roll my eyes. Pink. A color Mother must have chosen. The room is dark; gloomy. I press the nurse button that's near my bed but to no avail. What kind of hospital are they running here?

"Mom? Claire?" I stand up and walk to the doorway. Peaking my head out, I try and call to anyone out there.

"Nurse? Doctor? Anyone?" No response. The lights are all off and aside from my room, I hear no machine hum or mechanical whirr or engines. No beeps from any monitors. The hallways are even darker than my room. I can't see any farther than maybe five feet in front of me. The hospital has an eerie aura to it, and I have chills going down my spine.

"Andrew." A voice, deep and rough says my name from behind me. It sounds like a man, maybe in his fifties. He sounds gruff. I whip around and tears are already flowing.