Short Stories & Compositions

I'm a Lesbian? I Mean- I'm Gay?

   It's the summer before you head into middle school. You've already come out to your best friend as bi, and she accepted it without much thought. Still, as time passes you're dissatisfied. Something doesn't feel quite right. You say that you like boys, you do, but that you could only see yourself with a girl. You begin to think that maybe you're forcing an attraction to men. That you don't actually like boys at all. You do much research, watching YouTubers that are lesbians to get their perspective, and deeply analyzing your feelings. As you ponder you realize that you do in fact have some kind of aversion towards men.

   You begin to identify as a lesbian. Well, not really. Because actually calling yourself a lesbian makes something churn in your stomach. Even the word Lesbian feels wrong in your mouth. Dirty. Which it clearly isn't. You know there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian. It just doesn't Feel right. You blame this on the sexual connotations from fetishistic straight men, and on your own internalized homophobia. Which you obviously must have. Though you've always been supportive of LGBT people, a progressive child, you never thought that you could fall under that spectrum. Thus, clearly you must have some sort of struggle with self-acceptance. You ask that people call you gay rather than a lesbian. When they ask why you, calmly explain that you just feel uncomfortable with the word lesbian, and that gay can be used for both men and women.

   You become comfortable under this new identity. You're gay!! You absolutely love girls!! This all rings true today. You watch content creators that are gay. You read gay media. You have gay ships and you make gay friends. You have completely immersed yourself in LGBT culture and you couldn't be happier. You feel that finally you almost completely know yourself. However, there's still some missing links to be uncovered.