A kind of journal I guess

Oh well...

At school, the two amazing people Andrea sits with can also get quite depressed or emotional. This puts strain on how well she can keep her vail up. But when the both of them are in a down mood, Andrea feels this urge to be happy to make them feel happy. It never works but she needs to try otherwise the vail will come down and won't be able to go back up. She will feel like an absolute failure and a horrible friend. She tells them everything. Everything that has happened in her life, they know about. Her emotions however, she finds difficulties in telling them everything she feels. They know the majority but there are things they would feel upset knowing. She feels like a burden on their already depressed lives. They think that she's okay a lot of the time because of how they ask the dreaded question 'Are you okay?' And she replies with s positive answer. They think she's okay because of how bright she acts at lunch or on the phone when in reality, she wants to slit her throat and bleed out whenever that question gets asked.

She frequently gets visions played on repeat of herself dying in some way. If she sees a road Andrea will feel the sudden urge to throw herself in front of a moving vehicle. If Andrea spots a tall building or ledge, she will want to jump from it. Her imagination takes over sometimes and it feels real for a few seconds until the harshness of reality sets in and she snaps back into whatever class she's in or whatever activity she's doing.

The people she loves the most are the ones she sits with at school. They are incredible and deserve the best. The two of them are dating which Andrea loves. She ships them more than any other couple. They are so right for each other. Unfortunately this means Andrea is often excluded. She knows for a fact that the both prefer each other over her. She asked one of them once and she didn't deny it.

The exclusion can lead to her locking down sand keeping more from them. According to the female friend she has, they are more exclusive because of how much Andy is on lockdown. She is so open with the both of them it's scary. They know everything that's happened in her life. She will try to talk to them but it seems to end in arguments. If she is quiet, people don't approve. Andrea doesn't believe she has it worse out of the three of them. They could both be a little more grateful of what they have, a partner (boyfriend or girlfriend) and a best friend - well now he's starting to call her close friend- it hurts but she knows it's a reality. A harsh one but a true one and there's nothing Andrea can do to change it so why bother caring about it. She knows they are amazing for each other and that she is mostly on the side lines but it also mostly doesn't affect her. It's only from time to time that it finds its way into her thoughts.

Her friends have tough lives, awful parents and depression and all that. Andrea tries her very best to help but she's not good at it. It's something she hates about herself. She wants so much to be some kind of help but they always find their ways to each other for help instead of her. Oh well..right?