they say distance means nothing for two hearts binded by the red string of fate.
but for me, it makes it worse. i wish i could skip this trip overseas - a seminar or something, i couldn't care less. i had to leave her for a week. our busy schedule comes in the way of our relationship and i hate it. we no longer share conversations late at night, both of us are too tired to do it.
with myself constantly revising and studying for the upcoming finals and and herself buried under her journals working for her thesis, mindless conversations just doesn't seem... efficient enough amidst our packed schedules.
thea has always been the patient one. even with me and my incapability of saying those three words, she stood by my side through thick and thin. and i'm mad. i'm so mad at myself for not being able to say it to her.
yet the anger isn't enough to make me say it. i don't want the words to lose its meaning.
she knows that i say it through other ways but there was this one time where we fought about it and it took us a week just to make up.
it happened again earlier today. perhaps she had a tiring day and she needed some words of comfort from me.
i should've known better.
"do you love me?" her voice was low. she called me while i was on the way back to the hotel.
"yes." i answered quickly.
"then say it."
"what?"
"say those three words."
"i-"
there was a long pause and i could hear a heavy sigh from the other line before she ended the call just like that.
the red string is barely holding these two hearts together and keeping it close.
i've seen her instagram lately. there's this other guy who's in the same department as her. i know that he's kind of helping her with her assignments and all that.
but it's getting more frequent. when there's thea, i see him being in the same frame, too.
i don't like him.
it was lunch time when i called her.
"where are you now?" i questioned, cutting the chase.
"eating lunch." she hummed.
"alone?"
"no, i'm with a friend. why?"
"who?"
"bram."
this time i'm the one who hung up.
thea only called me a few hours later, asking for an explanation as to why i hung up on her.
all the stress have been piled up and i feel pressured to always give more than i could, doing all too well in tasks for my peers and then this- this jealousy is eating a huge chunk of my conscience.
before i know it, i lashed out on her. it was a wrong move. i know that i'm not just hurting her but also myself. but i can't hold it in any longer.
"why are you always with him?"
"excuse me? he's just a friend. why are you so worked up on this matter?" she sounds confused.
i, too, am confused. why am i like this?
"i don't like him."
"you don't have to. he's my friend, not yours. why does it concern you so much?"
"i'm only away for a week." i tried to reason but she wasn't taking any of it.
"and? that means i can't hang out with my friends?"
maybe i'm the one who made no sense.
"stay away from him!" i shouted.
"why are you raising your voice at me?" her voice remained calm.
the next few exchange of words i couldn't really remember. i got too emotional. too reckless.
my head hurts and my eyes are burning. hot tears run down my cheeks as i blink and she ends the call first. good, that means no more words can hurt her from now.
why am i so fucking stupid.
i'm disappointed and angry at myself for not being able to protect her. for not being good enough that she seems to find comfort in the arms of another man. and then it's the alcohol in my system that convinced me that i do deserve this.
i deserve to get hurt.
i wasn't able to say those three words, anyway. so that serves me right.
the alcohol leads to more and more bad decisions. i've gotten so low that i stooped even lower, letting myself down by resorting to old habits.
the next morning, i couldn't forgive myself. i feel miserable.
hopeless.
i couldn't bring myself to call her. and she hasn't called me, too.
i made myself busy and started to become more active in this workshop and it's the only thing that keeps me relatively sane through the day.
when i'm alone, things are different.
one pack of cigarette could only last me two days. or one if i didn't have a bottle of any alcohol in hand.
my trip is about to end and we still haven't talked. thea seemed fine based on her instagram updates. and he's still there with her.
the mirror by the bed in the morning reminded me that i look like a mess.
i am a mess.
